Scared about the reality of a newborn with a toddler. Help!

[YourVagesty]

Hey MN,

I'm due to give birth to DD in Dec, and this will be our second child. DS is 3.

He was such an easy baby/toddler that I barely noticed the transition to motherhood. It was all so easy.

But everybody keeps telling me that as I was so fortunate last time with my super chill baby, I'll likely birth an actual demon this time. I know people are joking, but I'm starting to get really scared.

What if the baby screams constantly and none of us get any rest? What if I can't look after DS1 properly because I'm exhausted? What if I crash the car taking DS1 to nursery because I'm so sleep deprived? What if, what if, what if. Argh!

I keep telling myself that most people have more than one child and they cope, but I just can't stop stressing.

Genuinely starting to freak out so any tips or advice appreciated!

Anybody? 😕

Both my babies were good.
And second time around you have a little helper.
Just make sure you give the toddler lots of attention too, so they don’t feel left out.., but Never leave them alone, together, not even for second.
Enjoy x

Well yea you might be exhausted for a while, but you might get lucky again. My first was a wee darling for sleeping and generally being a happy little love, my second is also a happy little thing but she’s currently absolutely shite at night. I’m exhausted but coping, you just get on with it really. It isn’t forever, nothing ever is. Worrying about the maybes is a pointless waste of your energy, try to focus on the positives, and there are so many, I promise.

I felt my first was middle of the road in terms of "easiness", my second is easier! My elder DD is now 3 (baby is 8 months) and they're almost exactly 3 years apart.

The theory that the second is ridiculously hard/ chaotic is just one of those things people say. You may have a second baby with the same temperament as your first!

Just to give some positives, I found a 3 year age gap fabulous, and I was gearing myself up for a year of hell - it's been absolutely fine ❤️

And whatever temperament second baby has, you'll find your way, everyone does x

You might get another chilled baby! Don’t worry until they are here. I found that I couldn’t sleep anyway with a newborn, even if they weren’t crying or awake I’d still wake multiple times in the night to check they were breathing. Lots of coffee helps to get you through. Enjoy having two when one is small enough to be picked up and doesn’t move from where you put him. It’s a whole other ball game when they are both moving 😅

My one piece of advice. As far as you possibly can, prioritise the older child. If anyone has to wait, unless it’s some sort of emergency, make it the baby.

I kept my eldest in nursery and tried to sleep whenever my baby napped. Drop your standards with housework.

I had a similar transition to motherhood. My baby wasn't super easy but I found the whole becoming a parent thing easy. Life was so stressful before children that being off with a newborn felt like a holiday.

I had my second and yes she was more tricky, but it was also fine. By then my eldest was a toddler and far more tricky. Having a newborn and toddler kind of felt like having a toddler and a very needy pot plant. The toddler was 90% of the work even though baby was colicky and a rubbish sleeper.

What was tricky was 2 mobile children but you've got a bigger gap then me so probably less of an issue.

I find parenting much harder now they are older. But you're also a lot more experienced in juggling by then. Newborns though, piece of cake (imo).

You'll be fine.

Ps: baby wearing is your friend. Be a kangaroo as much as possible.

I had similar worries about having ds2 when ds1 was only 2 years old, @YourVagesty - but what I found was that I had learned and perfected so many skills during ds1’s first years, and all of those stood me in good stead when I was juggling ds1 and ds2.

Even simple things like nappy changing - I had got quicker and better at it, and that meant I could manage the newborn nappy changes more efficiently - which saved me bits of time here and there, which all helped.

Plus I was so much more confident second time around, and that just made everything seem so much easier.

This is such a lovely, supportive thread - what MN is supposed to be about - thanks everybody for making me feel a lot, lot better about things.

Remember no one will care if the baby is lifted straight from bed to do the nursery run. Baby will live in a sling because then you have your hands free for the older one. Can someone do the nursery run for you a couple days a week?
eldest can always go to nursery in their pyjamas and get changed by staff. I promise you will be amazing.

Mine are almost 3 years apart, now teens, but I loved those early days when they were both small and would go back in a heartbeat if I could -not that life isn’t wonderful now, just that I wish I could do it all again.

Your 3 year old will be old enough to understand and ‘help’ a bit. Make it all positive and exciting for him - my DS helped to choose her name, get the nursery ready etc. He continued to go to nursery part-time while I was on maternity - he loved it, it gave him a good routine and it gave me time and space with DD. On the days that he was home, she just tagged along to the things I did with him - music class, library etc.

I had ‘easy’ babies too and, in my experience, there are so many (probably jealous) people waiting to tell us at every turn that things can only get worse. ‘Just you wait…’ etc. My children are and have always been my absolute joy and I’m sure your daughter will just be another blessing for you.

Congratulations and enjoy every minute.

I think the 'if your first was easy, second will be a nightmare and vice versa' is very much wishful thinking from people who have difficult first babies not any sort of accurate fact! In fact, the opposite - a lot of things that make babies harder or easier (sleep, feeding, whether they have digestive issues, even temperament) have genetic components, so it's more likely siblings will be similar than not. I say this as someone who had two absolutely dreadful sleepers - there isn't some sort of cosmic karma that makes sure you get one but only one if you have two children! Also, if they are a non-sleeper - I get that this must be a scary thought if you haven't experienced before and it is hard, but you do still absolutely adore and enjoy them, and you get through! You will do brilliantly and you will all be absolutely fine, whatever the new little person is like - please don't stress yourself out over 'what ifs', it's the last thing you need when pregnant!

@Babyboomtasticreally chuckling at the idea of no 2 being like a very needy pot plant

OP, whatever your second baby is like, you will be so much better a mother because you’ve had the experience of DC1. We all ruin our PFB because we are so desperate to “get it right” - I think you will find motherhood is a much more relaxing experience second time around, irrespective of whether you have an “easy” baby or not. Truly, it will be fine, so stop worrying, and enjoy your last trimester.

I had child 1, a literal maniac who had temper tantrums that lasted upwards of 2 hours (he’s now diagnosed autistic) who was three when child 2 arrived - (much more placid but equally strong personality in other ways). Child 1 did not sleep and child 2 was your normal newborn. Was it an absolutely wild few months, yes 100%, did we all survive - yes absolutely. Honestly, I promise, you’ll be fine. You’ll figure out a way and you will be fine. My only tip - don’t overthink it. One day, you will look back with fondness at the chaos!

😁

It's true though. I mean what do they do - you feed them. You keep them clean. You keep them warm, comfort them when they cry. They can't follow you around the house. They can't make a mess. They stay where you put them. When they cry, it's for simple reasons like they're hungry, uncomfortable, too tired. They are entertained by looking at their own feet 😂.

I remember a few months in my husband taking our 2-year-old out for the day, leaving me with a baby. It was like a bloody spa day. I did my makeup and my hair, chilled out.

Another time, when baby two was about a month old, we went aboard on holiday. Everyone was like ' ooh, aren't you brave taking a newborn abroad', I must have looked at them like they had two heads. The baby who slept in the sling for the entire flight whilst I read a magazine and ate pizza? No she was a (non sleeping) doddle
Our lovely toddler however was causing havoc for my husband on the same flight, then took her clothes off on disembarking, with my husband sprinting after her down the airport with her in a nappy!

It is so true - but also your expectations/standards slip so much! Both of mine only napped in motion. DS1, I remember walking the streets in tears because I felt so trapped by having to walk this baby around for hours a day because otherwise I would be doing the routine WRONG (and everyone told me that if I could just get him to nap at the exact right intervals he would sleep at night, which was a lie). It felt like some sort of punishment from a Greek myth. DS2 - on DS1's nursery days I absolutely loved pushing him in the pram for hours for his naps. Headphones on, podcast on - what could be better 'me time'?! DS1's home days I shoved DS2 in the sling when I vaguely thought he should be asleep and if I moved around enough that he slept, wonderful, if he kept waking up then oh well.

Honestly you will be fine, you might have a super chilled second baby too.

I had a baby, a 1 year old and a 3 year old and returned to Childminding when baby was 6 months old. So I had several older kids before and after school every day too. You just get on with it and find routines/solutions that work for you. Try not to over think it.