Why am I heterosexual*?

[Mossssy]

*insert sexuality of your choice!

I've only ever been sexually attracted to men. But why? What is it about them?

I'm not attracted to all men, so it's not that I am irresistibly attracted to a single attribute all men have. But I have never been attracted to a woman, so it's obviously some attribute(s) no women have.

It's not genitalia, because I think I'd potentially be attracted to a man who had lost his genitals to cancer or similar.

Obviously each human has a pattern of likes/dislikes. I have never liked stereotypically 'feminine' things such as painting my nails. I would always choose climbing. But if I was asked to go to a nail painting hen do I would do it without fuss. Though my dislike of nail painting is something that is unlikely to change, it doesn't bother me to do this activity I don't enjoy in order to please a friend. The same cannot be said of getting into a relationship with another woman. So you can't reduce sexual orientation to 'just' a pattern of likes/dislikes.

What on earth is it that men have, which no woman I have ever met also has (excluding genitalia)?

Well, they're male. And your body knows that.

Oooh I love this, interesting. Would you be attracted to a trans male do you think, if you didn’t realise they had transitioned? Just trying to see if the post saying “your body just knows they are male” would apply there. Intriguing question!

there are many things about a male body that women can find attractive - the shape and the smell and yes, the genitals too. that's kinda what a sexuality is - attraction to a body and the type of sex you can have with that body.

some men might then have a personality that is off putting or particular features that are off putting which is why you aren't attracted to all men. but for you, men are starting in the category of 'potentially attractive' whereas women just aren't.

@WhiteNoiseBlur you can tell 99.99% of the time that it is a woman, and you’d soon spot the ones that have had extensive surgery and hormones, so for me, that would a no. But in any case I go for tall burly men which most women wouldn’t be able to achieve with all the surgery and hormones in the world.
But then attraction also includes things like personality, attitudes and lifestyle so ‘man’ is a start, but not the be all and end all of it.

I'm bisexual and can never imagine not being attracted to either sex. Obviously there are people I'm not attracted to - I would say I generally have a 'type' but sometimes I have attractions that completely break my 'type'. It's hard to define. I can be attracted to people on different levels - sexual, aesthetic, intellectual, emotional and a strong attraction is when all of those boxes are ticked, but I might be attracted to a lesser degree if any box is ticked.

I couldn't imagine not being in a monogamous relationship, and I'm faithfully married to a man who accepts my sexuality. I definitely 'miss' women but I try to see it as just an extension of it being inevitable to fancy other people in a long-term marriage, but you make the choice not to act on it or dwell on those feelings.

I think it’s also conditioning. We’re brought up to think the right thing to do is to fall in love with (or at least marry) a man. Particularly the older generations.
These days having a sexual relationship with the same sex is much more acceptable and as a result more people are outwardly forming relationships with the same sex. It’s no longer hidden. I think this will eventually lead to even more people being outwardly gay or bisexual as there’ll be as many same sex marriages/relationships as there are heterosexual ones. It won’t matter if you set up home with a man or a woman.

I think it’s basic evolution, i.e. that enough of us have to be opposite-sex attracted for the human race to breed and survive. Then within that opposite sex group we subconsciously filter our bad genetic matches (via pheromones etc) and focus on people who would be a good genetic match to breed with. Then layered on top of that are more nuanced, individual factors. For example, someone who was kind to us as a child and made us feel safe had blue eyes, so you might then be particularly attracted to men who are a good genetic match and also have blue eyes.

I have never in the slightest been attracted to men, but the inborn instinct towards women/female shape is massive, hips are a huge turn on & a feminine smile gives me goosebumps.

I'm definitely attracted to men (no idea why really , I just am) and fancy some of them (although less so now that I'm perimenopausal and generally cba with lots of things), but I'm also repulsed by some of them - there's an intensity of emotion that I don't feel towards women. I'm struggling to articulate what I mean here with my brain fog, but hopefully it's sort of clear.

It's just biological urge I guess. Why are male spiders driven to find female spiders even thought they'll likely get killed whilst mating? Why do female cats seek out males even though sex is painful for them?

Enough of us need to have a biological drive to have sex with the other sex, for the continuance of our species.

I think these are really good points re filtering down the men. But the original question remains, which is which part of the men a heterosexual woman is attracted to in the first place. Is it deep voice/facial hair/superior strength? But some men don't have all these things and yet heterosexual women are attracted to them. And speaking for myself only I would not fancy a woman who had taken hormones to have facial hair and increased physical strength, so it can't be these things.

I hadn't thought about this but it's definitely true for me too. If I imagine a man and a woman who have both done the same vile crimes, I would not particularly care if the woman touched me on the arm, but I would feel disgusted if the man did. Why on earth is that?

Great question.

I’m sure there is something in the biology, pheromones and all that. If people say they know they have been gay since birth, it follows that others are not.

But I would also say conditioning would play a part too. Have you ever looked for that thing you don’t know what it is in another woman? I haven’t. Maybe if I did I’d find it. 🤷‍♀️

I think we're overthinking this, assuming that because we have a level of awareness that animals don't, that we are somehow different.

Most of us are attracted to the opposite sex because that's how reproduction works and how our species survives.

Ready availability of men (ie it's not the 1 male in 20 miles that it is with some animals) means we can be picky, and that's where our individual preferences come in.

Some of these preferences are because in our society it's expected that you actually spend time, perhaps spend your life with the person who you have children with, and because humans have enough intelligence, we can make judgements about which ones we're more suited to.

On a more raw biological basis, things like pheromones will have an impact, with our bodies, subconsciously evaluating the chemical signals from another to ascertain whether you're likely to have healthy offspring. Equally, many of the things we see desirable are because of the subconscious biases that nature gives us to pick someone that will be good to reproduce with.

I expect about 90% of it we're completely oblivious to, which is why we can't specifically say which part of someone we're attracted to. Then there are those times where you feel a physical attraction for somebody whose personality repulses you 😂

I'm not sure where same-sex attraction comes into this, but in many species of animal, not everyone reproduces, so perhaps it's linked to that. Who knows. Also homosexuality exists in many animals so we are in no means unique.

What's awesome is it because we're humans we can have pick and choose more - ie raise children or not whatever our sexual orientation.

Also, let's face it - if it were mostly based on logic rather than unconscious biological urges, most women would be lesbian 😂

Well I agree partially - logically it makes sense to be bisexual, so your partner pool is twice as big!

I think your previous post on pheromones (also mentioned up thread by a pp) might well hold a good bit of weight. Perhaps that's mainly responsible for the biological/animalistic element of sexual attraction.

In theory you'd have a wider pool, but in practice many heterosexual and gay people don't want a bi partner - they assume you will be unfaithful, or they're just turned off by the idea.

I agree with those saying it's a mix of nature and nurture; I'm sure pheremones play a huge part, but also I think we pick out subtle things about bodily proportions/face shape that 'speak' to us - whether that's evolutionary conditioning or nurtured response, or both.

I am fascinated by the evolutionary aspect of it. I think even with same-sex couples, there is something going on. I don't mean your body thinks you can have a baby with another woman (or a man's body thinks he can reproduce with another man), but I do think part of what makes someone attractive, has to do with their biology, and we are hardwired to select for certain characteristics.

It’s such an interesting subject, OP!

I read somewhere that there’s an increased likelihood of a man being gay if he has several older brothers. Not a definite, but something to do with the mother’s physiology developing an ‘immunity’ to male foetus development the more boys she has, which results in a higher chance of her younger sons being gay.

or something like that.. I need to look it up again 🙈

All animals have an urge to reproduce.

YY, I know that study.

I've sometimes wondered this. Definitely the smell, I also appreciate bone structure and men's bits 😂 Feeling of safety, contrast.

I think a lot of attraction is unconscious/biological. I think we must pick up on things like male bone structure, etc, without realising. I also think there is an evolutionary drive to be attracted to men who look strong, for instance.

I'm a man repulsed lesbian 😂 I can't explain why I'm gay. I just am. It would be like trying to explain having freckles or something. It's just part of me. 'Masculine features' are off-putting to me, even on women. I like femme women 🤷

I don't think choice comes into sexuality tbh. Many people know from a young age. If we could choose, who the fuck would choose to be straight as a woman anyway? 😂 I'm forever grateful I don't have to sift through shit men to find a decent one to date!!

My man's broad shoulders, cute little bum and hairy chest/shoulders/arms are very attractive to me. I can't see any woman having those attributes.