Phasing out a friendship

[Sarover]

I have had a friend for nearly 30 years who has never really been a good friend as it’s not a reciprocal relationship. I used to be a huge people pleaser and thought I had to put up with it. Now I’m much more confident. She’s been unreasonable and I want to withdraw myself.

I think ghosting is unkind and besides that there are a couple of group activities we share which I don’t want to give up. It’s also very much not my style to confront her. I also don’t want to argue. There’s no difference of opinion that I want to resolve. I just don’t want her in my life anymore. I have started taking a lot longer to reply to messages. What other strategies are there to gradually move away from someone?

I’d just stop making contact but be polite as and when your paths cross. If she asks why , I’d be honest

So you say ghosting is unkind but how else can you describe phasing out a thirty year friendship and not being honest with this friend?

I’m a big fan of letting people know where they stand, although I appreciate it’s not for everyone.

My main reason being, I’ve been on the receiving end of being ghosted, or slowly phased out of someone’s life when I wasn’t aware I’d done anything to warrant it, and it upset me and messed with my head a bit not knowing what I’d done.

So If you don’t want a confrontation/argument and you share activities could you contact the friend and just say something like ‘I feel this friendship no longer adds to my life, so am stepping away. I wish you nothing but the best and I’m sure we’ll see each other from time to time. Then either add ‘I’d prefer we didn’t speak at said events /. I’m happy to still say hi (whichever works for you).

That way, they know you’re going so it doesn’t leave them wondering where or why
But you don’t end up having to explain or argue.

@LetsGoMango but if you tell someone you have been friends with for 30 years that you would prefer not to speak to them at eg. a book group and also that you won’t be explain ing why then they are going to be extremely upset, surely. That’s quite a horrible and puzzling thing to do.

I’ve been phased out by a 20 year friendship friend this year and it’s brutal as it takes a while to realise it’s happening.

I think I would have preferred an honest text.

I really agree about it messing with your head. I remember thinking I wonder if my text has sent, I wonder if it’s something I’ve said, and then as time went on thinking am I just a really horrible person and so on.

@Sarover What other strategies are there to gradually move away from someone?

Be very busy when she suggests getting together and don't suggest an alternate date.

Less ‘puzzling’ than simply no longer getting in contact.

I always think if someone wants to know why I have reduced contact they are free to ask.
But I’ve found that 9 times out of ten when I’ve stopped contacting someone they don’t contact me either. So I guess the feeling was maybe mutual.

I just think you let it drift, it often happens quite naturally. They may feel the same. You don't feel you need to actually stop speaking at mutual activities do you? That's a different situation IMO.