Do I complain or let it slide?

[Waterhorse46]

I’m in a leadership role and clashing with a senior member of staff. I’ve tried to keep it professional, but the behaviour is getting to me.

Examples:

• When they do show up, it’s like they’re too important to be amongst the meeting
• they are rude and ignore me some days if I say hello so I stopped saying it
• they’re always annoyed or look like someone’s annoyed them
• the tone they take with me is inappropriate at times
• they approached me to ask about something but instead of asking all they did was almost shout at me. I’ve never been spoken to that way in all my working years and I was quite shocked so I raised it with the man at the top of the leadership chain in the building.
• I felt the staff member almost came in to shout at me over a certain decision that I didn’t make which frustrated me because when I attempted to defend myself they began to raise their voice but looked like they had a calm exterior
• I’ve never felt comfortable around or near this person and clearly this is why

I flagged it with upper leadership. They’ve suggested mediation, but I’ve refused at the moment because mediation feels like I’d be pressured to smooth things over and act “nice,” when all I really want is for the behaviour to be acknowledged and a proper apology. I know I may not gain the apology.

How do I proceed??

The point of mediation is not to determine how you play nice. It’s a forum where you will determine your objectives upfront and be guided through conversations which hopefully lead to that outcome.

What do you actually want / expect management to do? They can either agree your work doesn’t overlap with this persons, or give you some strategies that work are documented over email/in specific meetings, but they can’t make a colleague apologise - they aren’t a headteacher.
Rejecting the mediation looks poor on you IMHO and your list seems quite weak/immature. Sometimes people don’t get on but can still work together.

i can’t actually post what’s happened as it reduces anonymity. I’m not doing a mediation yet. It can wait until Monday. I’m not outright refusing. But if someone belittles you to such a severe degree it’s very tricky to be able to speak.

What do you want management to do? The first 3 bullets in your list, why are you letting this bother you so much - you're giving this person too much power to get under your skin. The other points - is this attitude/approach a one off or constant, is it just to you or to everyone? You've reported to upper leadership, what are you expectations from this? What changes do you think are feasible? Honestly, my view is that power games are a complete waste of energy and mental bandwidth. Choose your priorities and battles - this will depend on what's important to you.

To add - it's horrible to be on the receiving end of disrespect, but you do have a choice whether you let this consume you.

What's the best possible outcome for you, Op, and what steps are needed for you to be able to achieve it?

This sounds like a similar situation in my place of work between two other colleagues.

One is quite frankly, incompetent. The other has tried many, many times to work with the incompetent (and slightly more senior of the two) colleague to raise standards and work together. The incompetent colleague has blocked all discussions as cannot see or comprehend their need for any improvement and thinks they are wonderful. The competent colleague has gotten fed up of clearing up the mess, and disorganisation. They have decided to concentrate on doing own job to a great standard and leave the other colleague to it. They have stopped all unnecessary communication now, and will only communicate via email so that there is a paper trail to back up conversation.
The incompetent colleague after months of pushing the competent colleague away, is now claiming they arent working as a team like they should, that the competent colleague is rude and unavailable etc etc.

Now, I am not for one moment saying OP is incompetent. What I am saying is that the colleagues behaviour is not normal. Therefore, instead of demanding an apology, have you asked WHY they are like that with you, and be ready to hear and make changes of its answer you don't like? If you aren't brave enough to ask this directly, then mediation could help.

You don’t like this person’s manner and way of dealing with things. This could well be a ‘you’ problem. Mediation will help you to express your feelings I a safe way and come to a conclusion about the best way to work together. You are not owed an apology because you didn’t like someone’s tone. It was very immature to refuse mediation, honestly. It doesn’t look good for someone in a senior role.

You ether need to agree to mediation or put in a grievance

Think about what you need from this person for you to have a productive working relationship, check with a trusted colleague that it is reasonable and present that in mediation.

Ask in mediation what the colleague needs from you and agree to anything reasonable, even if you have to say you are already doing that but you will continue/try to do it more.

Once you have an agreement on what will change, give it a chance and record how it goes. If the behaviour continues, keep clear records and evidence and then raise it again with HR. At that point you can ask them to take action to manage the situation.

Sorry this is happening OP.

I would follow up with an email to those higher up the chain and say something like this.

‘Dear [Leadership Name],
Thank you for taking the time to speak with me recently regarding my concerns about [staff member’s name/position]. I’m grateful that the issue is being treated with the seriousness it warrants.
My foremost priority is to foster a professional and respectful working environment for all. The incident I raised — in which I was addressed in a raised tone — left me feeling both uncomfortable and undermined. I’ve taken time to reflect on the situation and continue to document interactions to maintain a clear and factual record.
At this stage, my primary aim is for the behaviour to be acknowledged and for us to establish clear expectations around professional conduct moving forward. I remain open to exploring constructive avenues, including mediation, provided the focus remains on cultivating respectful workplace interactions rather than merely resolving matters superficially.
I would welcome your guidance on the appropriate next steps to support a positive and professional working relationship..
Kind regards, [Your Name] [Your Position]

Remember, mediation is not all about smoothing things over. You can set preconditions ahead of any mediation, one of which can be not being pressurised into apologising or sharing blame, if that is not warranted. You can also insist on no forced friendliness.

in summary:

Document → Follow up in writing → Set boundaries → Reconsider mediation if framed correctly → Escalate formally if behaviour continues.

This keeps you protected, professional, and respected.

I would have mediation, even as an opportunity to ask what their problem with me is.

I think it’s that I don’t flirt with them so it’s started as micro aggressions then became full blown but I have zero grounds to prove it other than I just know the pattern

Go through the mediation. State beforehand your desired outcomes.

Give Jefferson Fisher on Facebook a glance. A lot of useful communication stuff there.

This person is intimidated by you. Let them squirm.