DD no friends again - now 21

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My DD has always struggled to make and keep friends. This has been an ongoing cycle since she was in primary school. I keep hoping a change will give her a fresh start but here we are again, final year at university and she’s in tears saying she has no friends and on her own. She’s going to go to counselling and now has medication for anxiety but I’m so worried and don’t know what to do.

Has anyone any advice or been through this? She’s a nice girl but quiet and shy. She’s joined clubs etc but doesn’t seem to connect with people.

I was like that. Now I’m older I realised it’s because im more introverted and I don’t really like having loads of friends but I felt stupid and embarrassed that I didn’t because the expectation is that people have lots of friends. I would get into panics before parties ect because no one would go. I’m very happily introverted have people at my work who I chat to but don’t see outside work, and have 2 good mum friends who I see sometimes.

@Neodymiumyes, she’s also very introverted and likes her own company but is so upset at being seen as having no friends. It’s truly heartbreaking leaving her. I just want to say ‘come home’ but I know deep down that won’t help.

sorry to hear this, maybe she does just need to come home more, if she needs it she needs it. Uni life is not for everyone and maybe she will find the right level of/kind of socialising that’s right for her when she’s working and her social life is less public. I used to sometimes stay in my room at uni with the lights out on a Saturday night because I was embarrassed about not having friends to be out with. Some people do better getting on with people at work when there’s more structure to relationships . I found uni the hardest time and every decade things have got better. Hope she feels better soon.

Thank you @2025ishere- that gives some perspective

You said she's going to go to counselling OP - will you be the one funding this? If so I'd recommend CBT for social anxiety rather than counselling- she needs practical support and help to change any unhelpful thought patterns and behaviours that might be getting in her way

My DS struggled with socialising at uni. He had a small group that he knew but they all shared with other people or were no longer at uni in his final year. He came home in his final year when both his housemates moved out, one on work experience and one with visa problems. He commuted by train each day.
He found work much easier for making connections. Interestingly he is still in good contact with his small group from uni and has found his tribe.
When joining a new group I have found that talking to the quieter members is a successful starting point. They are just as lovely as the social butterflies and have a bit more opportunity to talk to a new member.

You know her well, and you say this has been a pattern since primary. What do you think the problem is? Does she actuslly want friends, genuinely, or does she just think she’s supposed to? Does she lack social skills? Does she try to befriend the wrong people, or is she just too passive in terms of making connections?

Does she have autism/bad social skills? Or just befriending the wrong people?

I was exactly like your daughter OP, my confidence boomed when I got a job in a bar/nightclub when I was 19. If you'd asked a year earlier it would have been my worst nightmare but I needed the money so when offered the job I had to take it.
I found myself in an environment where I was working with loads of people my own age and we all socialised together on nights off, and also developing assertiveness in dealing with customers. I moved into a shared flat with one of my bartender friends and she was a bridesmaid at my wedding eventually.
It was a formative experience.
I did that for a couple of years then honestly for an introvert it ended up overwhelming.
As an adult I've reverted back to socialising much less, I have a couple of groups of friends I see on a regular basis from hobbies and a couple who I catch up with individually now and then. I'm very happy with that and it's all on my own terms.

yes, maybe also a part time job if she can cope alongside her studies (if she doesn’t already have one). Can be good to be busy. Board game society might have some of the quieter people and the structure makes it easier to socialise. Or some voluntary work focused on helping other people, hearing children read at a primary school or anything, can help with socialising, feeling passionate about something, forgetting about yourself and having something to talk about.

Agree with pps it would help to work out what the root of the problem is. Did she ever have a friend, how did that happen and what was good about being friends, ie how does she see the give and take of friendship.

The only way to make friends is to join things. Can she join something low key like a reading group or crafting ?