Walking on eggshells around DS and its not fair

[BoostWar]

I'm not sure what I'm asking but I'm at my wits end with DS. He's 17 next month. I have younger DC as well DS7 and DS8, they younger 2 don't have the same dad as my eldest (this may be relevant).

I've had issues with my eldest for years with his behaviour, mostly influenced by his dad. We split before he was born and he's not a nice person, he's misogynistic himself and was/maybe is into drugs and was emotionally abusive toward me. Growing up DS was lovely but when he was about 12 he wanted to go and live with his dad. Before this his dad was unreliable and would cancel last minute etc but his dad would spin a lie and say it's my fault, I was stopping him etc.

As soon as he moved in with his dad he was completely different, his behaviour in school changed and i’d constantly get phone calls. I had to tell them he wasn't living with me. He also refused to visit. And would spout sexist, homophobic and racist rubbish.

His dad let him do whatever and he eventually refused to go to school from 14. His dad didn't force him to go either and deregged him in the end so he didn't have to deal with school, but I don't believe he did any homeschooling with him, he just let DS do what he wanted. His dad made me out to be an unfit mum to him. I have younger boys so he always said I preferred them, ironically ex has an older daughter so DS isn't his only child either but this didn't apply to him.

I didn't see him from around July 2023-May 2024, I tried so hard to see him, sent him messages but he left me on seen. Anyway, I found out he was cutting and I tried to get him help like counselling etc but he wouldn't go, he just pulled away and stopped seeing me again. He’d message me saying he was 2 weeks clean from self harm but that was it. I also found out he’d been drinking and smoking wee. He stayed overnight and kicked off at me and hit me, I called the police and they told him I was doing my best, didn't take him or anything, he was 14 at the time luckily the younger 2 were at their dads. This wasn't the first time he kicked off at me whilst staying overnight, but he quickly pulled away and stopped talking to me.

He was meant to go to a 14-16 college and do GCSEs last September. I don't know the ins and outs but he was self harming in the toilets and I think they told his dad there was a safeguarding risk. I don't think he was kicked out but he stopped attending.

Anyway, fast forward to now. We’d been seeing each other sporadically but in July he came back here and moved in. I don't know what's gone on with his dad. He hasn't really said much and I don't have contact with his dad due to the abuse and how he continued to send me abusive messages when DS went to live with him.

My younger boys have been sharing a room since DS moved back in so he can have his own room. It's been a nightmare, I tried to get him into college but he didn't know what he wanted to do and the closest college is the one he stopped attending, so they wouldn't accept him.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. He sleeps until 2/3pm, plays the Nintendo switch which is connected to the living room tv, even though he's got a ps5 in his room (and made me buy him a tv for the room, as it was DS7s he obviously didn't have a tv. I told him I couldn't afford it but I had to give in and he still complains it's foo small)Then complains about his brothers wanting to play too, he's told them its his even though I got it for the boys (younger 2) to share. He complains if they ask him a question, he tells them to shut up etc.

I’m walking on eggshells constantly. If I say anything he blows up, if I don’t say anything he takes the piss. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Act like a parent? Take some responsibility for your ds rather than blaming it all on his dad. Giving him things and letting him call the shots obviously didn't work at his Dad's so why are you repeating the pattern?
Set some rules, you're awake and out of bed in the morning just like everyone else. There must be something he can access to fill his time. Does he like animals, sports? There are often course that don't require gcses to access

Why have you posted two threads about this?

Because I need advice asap and the thread was getting buried in AIBU.

The reason he sleeps all day is because he's up most of the night, and he's out most the time until way past midnight, if I wake him I get told to fuck off and i’d rather not have that. He's been violent in the past towards me. He doesn't like sports or animals. The college wouldn't have him back either

He didn’t make you do anything for a start. Stop blaming him. He’s 16 years old and had basically no parenting. you weren’t/couldnt be around and his dad is awful. Could you not have gone to court for visitation? Or have gotten parental rights and show his dad to be unfit, since he was getting no education or help. What’s to stop him leaving again?

I understand how this is stressful for you, but really you should be posting about how worried you are for him and asking how to help him and not how frustrating it is for you to walk on eggshells. the poor kids spent years learning awful views from his role model, having poor mental health and no support and feeling so bad about himself he self harms as well as getting no education or socialisation. This is a huge problem without an easy fix. He probably feels awful. Can you speak to the gp about a waiting list for therapy if you’ve not already. Can he read and write? I imagine he’s scared to get back into education. Is there anything you can do to help his self esteem? Will he do any sports?

There are other places other than one college surely You're being very passive about this OP.

OP, how does your son “make you” buy a TV for his room? Why are you allowing him to spend all day in bed? He’s clearly very unhappy if he’s been self-harming and probably has a feeling of complete lack of self-worth - he’s not at college, he’s not doing anything - at the moment, he has no future. If the nearest college won’t take him, are there others? Even if he “didn’t know what he wants to do”, surely he needs GCSEs in English and maths? There must be somewhere that would take him. You have a situation where he is not doing anything good for himself, and is also upsetting your family dynamic and his younger half brothers - but unless you find something for him to do, nothing will change. You have to lay down some ground rules, OP - it’s your house, and I’d worry about the sort of example he’s setting for your younger ones. You need to set a curfew - it’s not okay for him to be out half the night and in bed all day. You are letting him behave like this, if you steer clear of him for fear of being told to “fuck off”. As for violence, I’d make it abundantly clear that it is utterly unacceptable, and that if there’s the merest sniff, not only will you call the police, but he’ll find himself with nowhere to live. If you don’t lay down a few ground rules and abide by them, how is anything going to improve? You’ll end up with a layabout of a son who has no qualifications and is utterly unemployable. It’s not easy being a parent, especially when your ex has behaved so utterly irresponsibly towards your DS, but someone needs to step up. Maybe getting in touch with a charity like Mind, and asking how you can help your DS would be a start.

He did make me buy the TV, he's been abusive towards me in the past but because I'm his mum it didn't matter.

He was 12 when he left and courts would've listened to him, when I called the police on him I didn't see him for 10 months.

I offered him therapy and family therapy, he wouldn't engage then and he won't now and I don't want to push too much and rock the boat. He still happily spouts the sexist comments whenever he gets the chance.

There are other colleges much further away which he won't go to, I can't afford the bus fare so i’d have to apply for the bursery for a bus pass and I know after all that he wouldn't turn up.

Maybe it'd be best if be did leave again

Are you saying he did make you buy a tv by being abusive to you?

and I don't want to push too much and rock the boat.
why? He’s sexist homophobic and racist, he’s horrible to his siblings, he’s been physical with you and you’re walking on eggshells shells and perhaps feel abused, he’s not at school or college or in work, he’s depressed and self harming and he stays out all night. Is this really the status quo you want to work hard to maintain.

it feels like you’re defeated by it and don’t really want to try, like you didn’t want to waste time trying to go to court for your son. Yes courts listen to children over 12, but they also look at children not being educated and self harming and not being in good environments. Yes he might not go to college but isn’t it better to enrol him in one and give him a chance?
he’s been failed by his dad for years. It’s going to take years to unpick it unfortunately.

OP it's late and I'm afraid I can't reply properly but I just wanted to say I'm very sorry that you've got such unpleasant and unhelpful replies.

Unfortunately it is very difficult to counteract the actions of useless, abusive parent who has no interest in doing the right thing for their child. You read on here every day of women stuck in dreadful relationships because this is exactly the situation they fear if they leave - that their preteen or teen child will choose to live their deadbeat ex, and they will be powerless to do anything about it.

It sounds like you're in a very difficult situation. I'm afraid I am not knowledgeable enough to advise, but all I would say is that you need to prioritise the safety and wellbeing of your younger DC. Hopefully someone with more experience be along with some more practical advice about your possible courses of action.

Try to get the help of social services OP. Do you have a male family member or friend you can get to talk to him? At some point he will push too far, in fact he has already, and you will have to call the police. You may as well start trying to pushback now. As others have said,you need to safeguard your younger DSs. Turn the Internet off at night for a start...

@Rorys

You clearly have no understanding of family court. They would not have intervened with a 12 year old.