‘It was probably a bad idea to have two kids’

[Rhgx]

My sister doesn’t have kids, I have two fairly young kids and pregnant with third. My sister acts like she is involved with the kids if we’re in any kind of public setting but in reality has never even came round to spend any time with them really. She sees them when we’re already doing something (at mum’s house, birthdays etc) and does a big show in front of people with the kids. Will also post a picture on social media. They love her and are desperate to see her more. I was extremely close to her before having kids, but I’m just struggling with her now and feel I’m biting my tongue the whole time.

She doesn’t want kids (as she will tell you multiple times per conversation). I was telling her a story that involved chaos in my house (as it is most days) and she made a comment about how it was a bad idea to have two kids 🤦🏻‍♀️ I would literally never make the same comment about how I’d hate not to have kids, yet she seems to think it’s okay to repeatedly comment on my life in that way. She’s even said horrible things when a friend has texted her to say they’re pregnant or had a baby. She is a sort of ‘auntie’ to one of her friend’s kids who is older than my eldest and used to take him on days out, did nursery pick ups etc all the time. The lack of effort I could deal with but it’s the comments every time I see her that are pushing me to the edge 🙈 Do I just continue biting my tongue?

Yes. Nothing good will come of confronting her. Just stop talking to her about the kids.

I would definitely say something! It doesn't have to be a massive deal, but this is your sister.

Yes. Leave her alone. You sound like you just want her to be an involved auntie and you resent that she doesn’t want to be.

Do you ever see her without your kids?

I’d say something, “well what do you want me to do, send them back?” Or “well I think children are wonderful, more work but more reward”. I understand your frustration, people can be so rude sometimes. I get comments sometimes and wonder what the hell they’re thinking because I’d never be so rude to someone.

This is odd

You see a lot of her
Your kids lover her

and yet you seem to hate her!

This. The OP seems to be suggesting that the negative comments about being a parent would be less bothersome if her sister helped her out or saw her children a lot, but surely it’s all of a piece? She is happy to see them at family events, but she doesn’t fancy parenthood and certainly doesn’t want to spend extended periods around small children.

Have you read the post at all? It says the opposite. It says I wouldn’t mind her not seeing the kids if she would just stop the nasty comments about people who have kids every time I see her. No one’s asking her to be a parent or babysit

Yes, I did read it. You’re struggling with the fact that she thinks your life looks awful, and says so.

She is a sort of ‘auntie’ to one of her friend’s kids who is older than my eldest and used to take him on days out, did nursery pick ups etc all the time. T

and you want her to do the same for you

She’s perfectly entitled to the relationship she has with your kids. They love her so that’s good. Maybe try seeing her without the kids, she might feel a bit isolated.

I think the only answer here is to say 'well I wouldn't have chosen your life either'..which of course will be met with anger and accusations of judgement etc etc. I have found in my life that child free people are much more likely to make a derogatory comment towards stressed mums than the reverse. To be fair life with young kids is pretty awful compared to no kids and a mother is much more likely to express how tired they are or difficult they find it, which often provokes these responses.

People forget that having a family is a thing for life. When you have a family of 20 somethings or are surrounded with grandchildren, she may look on you with envy and it would take a rather nasty person to turn around then to her and say 'you really should have had a family too, I'd hate your life' but that is kind of the equivalent of what is happening here.

Pick your audience better I think. You know what she’s like so when you need to offload about a chaotic day with the kids talk to your mum or a mum friend, not a vocally childfree sister.

I think if you don’t want her to make comments, you need to stop talking to her about how chaotic life is with kids - she sees it as you whinging and doesn’t have much sympathy as you made that choice.

If you were close before your children came along then maybe you need to spend time with her as adults without your kids around or without them
being brought up in stories.

I'm child-free and I've thought "it was probably a bad idea to have 1/2/3/4 kids then" innumerable times when parents complain to me about chaos/tiredness/stress and then say something about how it must be nice to not have that. Never said it out loud but it's different with friends than it might be for a sister.

I still never know what to say though. Yes it is nice not to be tired and stressed. I chose that for myself. And you chose parenthood, which to me was obviously going to entail all the things you're complaining about...

What do you mean by a big show? If they love her and she does make an effort when they are together isn’t that a good thing?
She was previously in a place where she could/wanted to offer support to a friend, maybe she’s not in the position to do so anymore and can sense you resent it.
If it is the case that you keep telling her how chaotic life is, what can she say other than a “aw that sounds hard” every time? She didn’t word it the best but I can understand why she said it.
Do you still spend time together just the two of you? You used to be close and I’m sure you will be again once your children are older, but relationships have to be maintained, and your life has changed whilst hers might not have. If she’s upset you, tell her, she is your sister after all.

Are you quite sure that she doesn't secretly want kids?

I know somebody a bit like this. She is nice to the children themselves, but she makes lots of demeaning comments about having children to parents, regularly tells people that she's sure X's child has something wrong with them (and has been known to imply it to X too) and often states how glad she is that she doesn't have kids.

However, she did used to want kids, very much, and went through several rounds of IVF to try to have them. Very sadly, her IVF was unsuccessful and I do wonder if her behaviour now is an attempt to convince herself that she didn't actually want kids at all.

Could it be that it's not possible for your sister to have kids and this is how she copes?

Totally, I think my one example probably sounds like I regularly tell her about something being stressful with the kids but in reality I actually avoid mentioning anything to do with them now because she’ll get the comments in. She brings up other people with kids a lot (who are similar to me, two kids etc) just to say how awful their life looks and I just don’t reply but it doesn’t seem to stop her doing it 😬

Ok but...

Sometimes talking about the chaos of life with kids is not whinging and certainly not asking for help. It's just chatting about a fairly major part of your life. I would find it strange not to do so at all with a sister I was formally close with.

I occasionally enjoy a light-hearted retelling about parts of my life that are not perfect but I nevertheless chose. The house that I chose has windows that need fixing, the job that I worked hard for was boring and frustrating today, the friend I adore said something silly, the child I love took for flipping ever to get ready. This is normal no?

Clearly this is about the fact the sister does nursery runs and childcare for her friends child and not the Op

Wondered how long it would be before the “she probably secretly does want children” lines came out

Her comment doesn’t actually sound that nasty. I think your own feelings are influencing how you are interpreting events/comments from someone who does seem to see your children a good amount and make an effort with them.