If you were an overweight child and are now an overweight adult, do you blame your parents?

[Ilfurfante]

I was having a conversation with a friend earlier. She's very obese. She's had issues with food stemming from childhood - her mother was quite strict with food and she blames this for her obesity. She has two children, both of whom are overweight. She doesn't really see this but also doesn't want to go down the same path as her mother and set them up the same way she went. She doesn't put any "limitations" on their diet - for example if they go out for a meal they'll have an adult main course, pudding and sides etc. They help themselves to the snack cupboard and fridge.She was very cross that she received a letter for her eldest in Year 6 to say they were overweight.

There is a strong correlation between being an overweight child and an overweight adult. You are around 5 times more likely to be overweight as an adult if you were overweight as a child. It seems to me that she's setting them up for a different set of issues for their adult hood which are equal to her issues and relationships with food now.

It got me wondering if people do reflect on this at all and blame their parents if they were overweight and have stayed overweight? And if so have you ever had those conversations with your parents?

What I put in my mouth now is my own responsibility. I put far too much in than I need and have continued to do that as an adult. And my parents did what they thought was the right thing given what they knew and what was common knowledge at the time.

but I do wonder what my relationship with food would be like now if I didn’t grow up with it as a reward, with weekly chocolate bars, daily big bowls of ice cream, and simultaneous weekly conversations about diets, losing the pounds, and weekly weigh ins.

I am so determined to do differently for my kids.

As an adult i have found out i have an endocrine condition, i have always battled with my weight since i was teen, and think that the issue may have been there in some form since then.

I don't blame by mother for my weight, but i do blame her for my crippling low self esteem and body image issues as she was a bully, used food for punishment and reward and was just plain cruel to me about my weight and appearance.

I am now no contact with her.

I was listed as obese at the age of 4

I have never known what it's like to be thin

From babyhood, my eating was disordered and I binge eat now

I have food allergies and have trouble meal planning

Although, obviously, what I eat is now under my control, I left home not able to cook for myself and just got used to eating out of packets

Three completely different stories so far. I'm massively intrigued by the science of obesity and the genetics and epigenetics involved.

Gingernaut why was your eating disordered as a child if you don't mind me asking?

No. My parents - there were issues, let’s put it that way. However, they could not have done more to help me manage my weight. I thank them for good habits like walking everywhere (as much as I feel safe to do so). Unfortunately, I was one of those stocky kids who thanks to family genetics had to watch what I ate. Later on, I have that broad sort of body type, prone to getting a big tummy but not obese, just a few kg overweight at the moment. Will always be my responsibility and I do have a fondness for junk food when I feel
low. So I don’t try hard enough

I don't have an obesity issue and my children are normal weight, However my own mother had terrible issues with food herself and was permanently on a diet. We're weren't poor and she didn't obviously restrict us but we just very rarely had treats, puddings (just on holiday days like Xmas, Easter, etc) or nice foods in the hours house - probably so she wouldn't be tempted by them herself?! She left us at around 12-13 and my eating went off the rails - dad didn't restrict at all and let us buy pretty much what we wanted on the weekly shop so I then began a terrible relationship with food and my own body image (resulting in an eating disorder for over 20 years) that only really stopped when I had my own kids.

With my kids I was determined to do things differently and try to ensure eating was never emotional for them - I Never used food as reward or punishment, or as a "treat", and in actual fact my kids now have quite a balanced view of food which I'm mightily relieved about! 😅

I do however still have one child who Loves eating and can see wrestling a bit with their weight as they get older but I think it's more genetic (they take after their dad who also loves his food and has a very "stocky" body type) than behavioural, iyswim? I try not to outwardly judge and just offer mild suggestion along the lines of "are you sure you're still hungry? Maybe you just need a drink/you're a bit bored/etc instead?" but it's hard as while I don't want them to overthink food I don't want them to overeat either..!

It's an interesting debate!

I don't blame my parents at all, they did everything perfect - they provided a healthy diet but also didn't overly restrict food, they were thin themselves but didn't have any body issues, always did exercise as a family, I was breastfed until 2. And I'm overweight and always have been. I just love eating and don't have much self control.

Some people (like me) just like eating a lot more, and it's no suprise that those people are also like this as children. I disagree with the idea that all children naturally eat the right amount until parents/society screws them up. Even babies drink different amount of breast milk, some grow enormous and others remain thin.

It feels quite tricky to know the best thing to do sometimes, as for example in your post OP - you mentioned your friend being overweight because her parents were strict about food, but now her children seem overweight because of her not being strict about food.
I was quite strict about my DC having healthy food, and remember getting comments from people saying things like “oh but then your DC will rebel against it and gorge on junk food when older”.
It feels like we can’t win!

I have been overweight/obese my entire life until very recently (thanks to mounjaro!). I don't blame my parents but I know they blame themselves and have acknowledged that it is something they feel they got wrong in my childhood.

My mum has a very disordered relationship with food, she is obese herself and we were constantly going on 'health kicks' (someone had told her not to say diet) that barely lasted the week before she cracked and bought us all donuts or mcdonalds chips on the way home from school, she would take me and my sister along to weight watchers meetings, she is an emotional eater and food was a way to show love and comfort in our house.

My dad is very different, he always worked manual jobs so needed to eat a lot but was very intuitive, he can stop half way through a chocolate bar and leave the rest for another day, we would always laugh at him for leaving a couple of mouthfuls of food on his plate, or something like 4 chips, we would just tell him to finish it but he would always say no, I've had enough, I'm not forcing it down just to clear the plate - I've never understood how someone could do that until I started mounjaro and suddenly that is exactly how I eat.

My dad also did a lot of sport but it's not something I was ever encouraged to do, I know now that my parents didn't want to force me and felt they were doing the right thing in letting me pursue my own interests but as a result I did spent a lot of years very sedentary. My brother was always encouraged to play football and my sister developed a liking for it all by herself so while they were out exercising or going to football matches me and my mum would do something together, almost always centering excessive food - we would do things like buy a bag of donuts and eat them between us while the others were out or get massive ice creams at the cinema.

I believe I have learned a lot of my bad relationships with food from my mum but I really don't blame her because it's not really her fault either.

I adopted a child last year and part of the assessment process was a massive grilling about my weight and how I was going to make sure I can model a healthy lifestyle for my son, that prompted lots of conversation with my parents and they do feel guilty about it and feel that they let me down by teaching bad habits and not forcing healthier ones but I honestly don't know if it would have worked - i know they did their best at the time and they were amazing parents so I really don't hold it against them. On the plus side they do feel so guilty that they pay 50% of my mounjaro which is a massive help to me!

Following with interest. My teenage daughter has been chubby from day 1 and has been overweight ever since. Her father is very overweight. I have a constant dilemma about whether I should try and discuss it with her and support her to eat more healthily (we don’t have a bad diet at home, but like her father she often buys junk food when out of the house and doesn’t seem to know when she’s full).

I don’t want her to feel that I let her down when she’s an adult, either for addressing her weight, or for not saying anything - I don’t know how to tackle it, if I should at all.

I think the best approach is to be relatively clear and strict about eating healthily BUT not to be fundamentalist about it. Everyone should be able to have the odd treat without feeling bad - if there is zero tolerance, food will become an obsession. Also you need to experience excess (eg at Christmas, Easter) in order to know how awful it actually feels. And teenagers will reject your healthy eating when they buy their own food but if you leave them to it they will come back to it.

Also not to give food as a reward or consolation (creating emotional eating) and never - or extremely rarely - commenting on your child’s appearance, for good or bad, except for things like “nice outfit” or “that suits you” (so they don’t attach undue importance to their physical appearance).

I wasn’t overweight as a child though (although I’ve been overweight a couple of times as an adult and have been on the whole journey, and my adult children are healthy weights), so I’m not really answering your actual question, apologies!

I wasn't fat as a child but my mother was always on a diet and putting me on a diet even though I was a child under 10. I did end up fat at one point and with disordered eating. My mum was always on a diet and now has sarcopenia and osteoporosis and is considered frail at 70. Obsession with weight and diets is a scourge on women. I don't blame my mum I blame the wider culture and misogyny.

Simple answer - My mother was insane and I was medically neglected as a child

Bone deformities in both feet and ankles not found until I was 53, asthma only diagnosed at 25 and ADHD only diagnosed at 49

Simply standing up would cause intense pain, but I was gaslit into believing it was my weight that was the problem, with snacks and very unhealthy foods just fed to us instead of actual food

Overweight as a teen and adult due to ingrained disordered eating as a child. Big portions with half a loaf of buttered bread on the table, had to clear the plate before we were allowed ice cream or puddings. Fizzy drinks, sweets and crisps were daily treats. Takeaways once a week with movie night treats.

I don't think I ever learned to eat naturally, I learned to fear hunger and embrace being overfull.

I did the opposite with my kids, DH is slim and they all eat naturally. I've been on MJ for a year and feel like I now have a slim person's brain, 5st lighter.

No, I became overweight around age 10 when puberty started and I now know that I had PCOS and I went on to develop gestational diabetes and diabetes. My parents had no idea I had hormone issue and my mum tried really hard to help me with my weight but nothing was effective. She also had no way to know what to do because she was always slim and so was my dad.

Yes, I do blame my parents because I was eating my feelings at primary school age because of issues in the home. I have been overweight/obese since age 8.

When Unicef reports that more children are obese than underweight,
https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c7v1e0jr9n8o
it's hard to blame ones own parents for what is measurably a global phenomenon.