Difficult conversations - without getting upset!

[Bemyclementine]

I need to talk to my partner and its something I really dont find easy. Previous abusive/controlling relationship and a bit of a history as a people pleaser. I got engaged because I felt guilty about saying no. Got married (to someone else) when I knew I shouldn't.

So. I need to stop just going along with things and hoping for the best.

Current partner of 18 months, known each other 2 years. We have kept things low key and slow moving, for a variety of reasons. I have younger dc. Their dad is an arse. Weve enjoyed keeping "our time" to ourselves.

However, no one in his life knows we're in a relationship. Which was ok to start but im not happy with now the first 6 months or so, fine, while seeing how things were going/where they're heading. But its not working for me now. I need to explain this, and here's the catch, without getting upset. I get very very emotional, and honestly, I dont know what the outcome of this conversation will be.

Is there anything I can do to try and remain calm, rational and able to get my point across?

For background, I do love him and want to be with him. I do not want to feel like a secret, or like he's somehow ashamed of me.i want to feel like he's proud to be with me. I am riddled with anxiety that he cant/won't give me what I want in this respect, snd I won't "settle".

Write it all out in a letter. That way you can get it all down on paper exactly as you mean to say it and get all the individual points across. If necessary write a number of versions until you’re happy. Give him the letter, let him have 24 hours to absorb the contents and then have a calm conversation.

Could you write him a letter? You can then at least get your thoughts in order even if you don't give it to him. Or if it's still a struggle, let him read it and discuss after if you both need time to stay calm.

Perhaps you could write it down so you have a clear idea of what you want to say first.

Set the scene, say that something is bothering you and you want to share what's on your mind. Be sure to say it isn't a criticism and that you want him to take some time to think about what you have said before he responds, he doesn't need to make any big promises or explain or defend his point of view immediately.

Let him know you might find it hard to say what is on your mind without getting upset, that way if you start to get a bit emotional you can take a breather or even let him read what you have written.

The main thing is not to get distracted.

Generally, when they feel they’re being criticised or chastised, people get defensive. And when they get defensive they drag up all sorts of stuff that isn’t addressing the issue you want to address.

What you need to be able to do is not respond to the side-tracks and stick to your point.

You: I want you to start introducing me to your family and friends
Him: You haven’t told your granny about me

Instinctive reaction: That’s because she’s ill
Better reaction: It’s time for you to start introducing me to your family and friends

You’ll have to accept that you are going to get upset. You can’t change your nature overnight.

But you can still assert yourself with a few tears along the way.

Thank you all. I must add , he gives me no reason at all to worry about talking about things or getting upset. Hes very level headed , and won't deflect/be defensive/attack.

Its entirely my issue

Writing it down is a good idea.

Could you just preface the conversation with “I might get upset, but that’s due to my history and I find some conversations difficult. It doesn’t mean I’m upset with you. If I get upset, just let me continue and don’t take it personally.”
Also, maybe if you’re getting upset take a short break and do a small mathematical equation in your head. Apparently it engages a different part of your brain or something.

I agree write down to practice.
But maybe put it in the context of “at the start we both felt we needed to be super discreet” but now you don’t feel that need so much. How does he feel about starting to meet each other’s friends ?

I am similar and have really pushed myself in my current relationship to state and be explicit about my needs. It has been scary to do that, and it’s amazing when they are positively responded to.

I think i just have to accept that I will probably get upset/tearful. I just hate how it makes me look.

Rather than a big conversation, could you wait until he next mentions his parents / siblings / seeing his mates and you ask him if you can go with him and meet them? He hopefully just says yes and everything is ok. If he says no, then have the follow up bigger conversation?

Is it his parents and/or children he’s not told or does he have a wife??

No wife. There's an ex wife, and grown up children. They know about me, and that we do stuff together, but not the relationship aspect. Which again, I was fine with, but not at this stage.

In that case, I feel u have a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship as there seems to be no reason, from what you’ve said, for u not to be included in his life. Leaves me thinking…is the ‘ex-wife’ actually an ‘ex’??

They've been divorced 20 years , definitely an ex!

You're right though, I don't feel that there is a reason now. If anything, I have a reason (younger children)

Busy afternoon! Been thinking about ur situation, how involved are u in his actual life? Have u been to his home, etc, or is it always meeting up somewhere or him going to yours?😊

Just say “ Can we not be a secret anymore ,I don’t want to be a person who has to be hidden “.

I spend the weekend at his house, regularly. We do things together, go out together. Hes not cagey about being affectionate in public, far from it actually!