How to help my anxious child who hates transitions, change, etc

[cadburyegg]

My ds1 is 10.5 and getting him to school is difficult. It is particularly hard at the moment because of the new school year - just gone into y6. It does get a bit better as the year goes on but almost every morning it is “I don’t want to go to school” etc etc etc. when I take him to school I often have to find an adult to leave him with, ds2 will go to his classroom by himself from the gates.

This morning I had to leave home early to get to the office so my mum took him and ds2 to school. Ds1 stood in front of the door to try and prevent me from leaving and was really sobbing when I eventually did leave.

I just wish I knew how to help him- he can’t put into words what he doesn’t like, just that he doesn’t like going. I obviously haven’t had a parents evening yet but they are always along the same lines - ok / average (maybe slightly below) academically, lovely and well behaved, good circle of friends/popular, but anxious and upset most mornings. He has always been like this and it is similar at holiday clubs.

I know secondary is still a year away but the logistics of having kids in 2 different schools really worry me because realistically he’s not suddenly going to go from this to going by himself happily.

Just looking for some advice really and what other parents did with their kids who are similar.

Bump

It's very difficult when you have one like this.

Do you have the budget for some therapy/counselling? I wonder if he (and you) needs some professional/expert help to deal with this.

I'm sure you probably do this already, but I would make sure he has notice of any change (but not too much, a day or two). Explain what will happen in minute detail. Ask if he has any questions or concerns or would like to change anything. Answer/change things where possible and reasonable. When he feels anxious and upset remind him that he did it yesterday and was fine. Remind him that there is an end point in sight.

Is he ND? School should be helping the child and making adjustments. Any bullying with any other children.

Any issues on a w/e separating from you? Or is it just school? Is the holiday club in school?

Sometimes it’s just too much to put into words - do believe him though he will be hating it.

look at the environment and the people - those 2 things are the most important. I’d be chatting to his form teacher / senco to help him

I was going to ask, is he being bullied, do you think?

Thanks for this. I do give him notice of changes and explain things like you say but reminding him that he did X yesterday and was fine is helpful. He always comes out of school happily chatting with his friends so I know it is not all awful.

He did have some counselling about 2 years ago. He didn’t even want to go to that. I wasn’t particularly impressed with it, it didn’t seem to help him very much. I have wondered if I should try something else, but it is tricky when he doesn’t want to go to things and wants to be at home.

We have found this book massively helpful for our anxious DS. It works on the principle of gradual exposure but the child doesn't have to agree to do "therapy" or anything really - it's just parents changing what they do.

https://www.spacetreatment.net/manual-and-books

He is not ND that I am aware of. I have wondered tbh and did ask the Senco but she was not concerned at all (she did also teach him for a year).

I have heard on the grapevine that out of the 60 y6 children about a third of them are ND and/or exhibit disruptive behaviours. There was one year which was particularly disruptive. this is problematic potentially because a) I don’t think disruption helps ds1 and b) ds1 isn’t disruptive so doesn’t create an issue that they need to solve as such. I have a lot of faith in the school. Last year his teacher said that they have regular chats to try to help. I am not sure they can do anything more. I know sometimes ds1 isn’t in the classroom straight away and plays Lego for a bit.

My mum took them this morning and she said ds1 was fine when they actually got there and I saw on the ring doorbell footage that he was fine actually leaving the house, about 45 mins after I’d left.

There was an issue with bullying with one child last term but the school acted on it and stamped it out quickly.

I don’t think so. He was very good last term with telling me about one child who was picking on him. The school acted on it right away and it hasn’t happened again but maybe I need to keep checking in with ds1 about it. I think he would tell me though as he has in the past.

Is it only you he behaves like this for?

Thank you that looks really useful.

I definitely get the worst of it, he still grumbles about going to school etc when he’s with his dad or my mum, but it’s not on the same level from what I can work out.

Id just would be weary of sencos and teachers as they do not have the experience to fully understand ND. My child went under the radar for years and some very experienced teachers of 20 years couldn’t believe it.

Also, disruptive behaviour is unsettling to some children so it might be stressing him out.

Hopefully the new school in yr 7 will help and also mix up of children in different classes will help.

By the time teachers are looking after the more complex children not much time to help each child ….. which is sad.

Hopefully he will have a few close buddies and that will help him

Good luck hopefully he has a nice kind teacher this year

My dd was always like this and is ND. Although we only found out relatively recently.

The Senco (who actually taught her for 2 years) didn’t think she was autistic. The Senco was amazing, but my daughter masks heavily. I wouldn’t rule it out. My dd has never been disruptive.

She does now struggle with severe EBSA. So worth getting some help now.

As pp said about reminding him it was fine yesterday; I take this further and when DD finishes school / anxiety inducing activity and is happy, I reinforce the message immediately then; when she’s feeling all positive so as
soon as I read her mood “wow looks like it worked out really well in the end - see, you can do this! Remember this feeling next time you’re feeling nervous and remind yourself the nerves will pass and you’ll smash it”

We’ve found really going for it with the positive reinforcement helpful, also reassuring that being nervous etc is normal and that some people just hide it better than others. We also try to articulate when we, as adults are nervous/sad/grumpy to normalise these feelings further.
Yr 5 was a struggle, a bullying issue (which was sorted quickly) but a more general issue of the classroom being a loud, somewhat disrupted environment due to class size (32!) and, frankly a lot of noisy, bolshy boys (20 boys and only 12 girls in the class). Nothing the school could do about that as it was the same across all classes so we’ve moved DD for Yr6 and so far she is thriving and loves going to school

My DS3 is also a little reluctant going into school. Y7 so a new school, but it's still hard to watch. One thing I have tried, which he likes, is putting a little brooch of mine in a tiny pouch in the bottom of his school bag. That way he knows I am there with him. He doesn't get it out or tell anybody it's there, but it is a little reassurance for him.