Do you 'take sides' in disagreements between friends/family?

[SurfinAndTurfin]

Feeling quite glum about a situation between two mutual friends of mine who have fallen out.

The initial falling out was over something quite small but Friend A really offended Friend B. It descended into quite a nasty argument where harsh words were spoken and now they aren't speaking to each other. I've tried to stay out of it and be a listening ear to each of them but I've not taken sides.

Anyway today I've had a massive text message from B to say how disappointed she is that I'm still friends with A after how she's treated her, and basically saying she doesn't think our relationship (and the relationship our kids have) can be the same unless I end the friendship with A.

I've handled this the same as I've handled other similar conflicts between friends and family members and nobody has ever confronted me before.

For the record I do think A was in the wrong and I've told her so, but she just thinks B is overreacting considering she had her reasons and has apologised etc.

Just curious to know if its the standard to end friendships over things like this?

For some disagreements, it is right to stay neutral. However, sometimes the way other people's friendships play out also gives observers important information about what people are really like.

So I would never 'take sides', but also I wouldn't just pretend bad behaviour hadn't happened if I knew it had.

When you say For the record I do think A was in the wrong and I've told her so, but she just thinks B is overreacting considering she had her reasons and has apologised etc. What do YOU think?

I've had a massive text message from B to say how disappointed she is that I'm still friends with A after how she's treated her, and basically saying she doesn't think our relationship (and the relationship our kids have) can be the same unless I end the friendship with A. This could be red flag behaviour, depending on what happened.

It's hard to say without knowing the disagreement issue. A row over a fiver is different to a row over a genuinely offensive comment.

Nobody should be dictating who you can be friends with. If she’s not happy that’s for her to deal with.

I learned my lesson years ago when a friend broke up with her truly awful boyfriend and I made the mistake of saying I thought she was much better off without him. Cue them being all loved up a few weeks later and I’m the worst person in the world for agreeing with her when she was pointing out all his flaws.

These days I do a lot of nodding and smiling but keep schtum what I actually believe.

It’s a very difficult situation.

Ultimately, it’s for all parties involved to weigh up what they want to prioritise.

B is unreasonable to give you the ultimatum, but you may also be unreasonable to remain friends with A, depending on exactly what she said/did.

If you think A's behaviour would be friendship-ending if she did it to you, but are prepared to turn a blind eye because she only did it to B, imo B is right to put some serious distance in with you, but wrong to tell you about it or think it could be fixed by your ending your friendship with A on her say-so - she should just act on what she's learnt about the limitations of your friendship to her, painful though that's bound to be.

If, in B's position, you would remain friends with A, then YANBU & it might be worth explaining your reasoning to B (if you haven't already), in the knowledge that it may not affect her feelings about whether she can stay close to you.

I think it’s really difficult and I can see both sides - on the one hand if you have two friends fall out that is “their business” and if you like both and don’t have a problem with either of them then why should you lose a relationship with either of them? On the other hand… if someone has truly behaved badly and is perhaps excluding another friend on purpose/ghosting them/not making an effort to resolve the conflict, it feels like you are condoning that behaviour by remaining friends and for e.g., attending dinners that the other friend hasn’t been invited to. In an instance like that I can see how the “innocent” friend would question your loyalty and feel quite hard done by. Additionally, I have found that when a person is happy to treat a friend badly or lose a friend without trying to resolve conflict, it’s only a matter of time before you are on the receiving end of this as well. So perhaps the “innocent” friend is actually a much better investment of your time anyway.

I think regardless of anything it’s quite good to have open communication. Explain to innocent friend that you are on her side because of XYZ, make sure you’ve said this plainly to badly behaved friend as well and that innocent friend knows you have stood up for her. Perhaps even go so far as to suggest you all meet up and try to get things resolved in person.

I think it innocent friend knew you were on her side and knew that badly behaved friend knew this too, this could go some way to mollifying her. It might just be the idea that secretly you think badly behaved friend is in the right that’s upsetting her as it feels unfair, rather than that you are maintaining a relationship with her.

I have recently distanced myself from friends who kept up a relationship with a friend who treated me badly. It was actually just too painful to constantly be reminded of her and I wanted a clean break so have chosen to focus my energies on friends who are more loyal to me.

I can see both sides to this. B has no right to give you any kind of ultimatum or essentially dictate who you can/cannot be friends with. However, she is within her rights to feel upset that you’ve essentially condoned the way she was treated by A, and she is within her rights to adjust her friendship with you accordingly.

I’ve been in B’s position and my friend tried staying neutral, and continued to hang around with the person who made my life a misery. Her justification was that “she hasn’t done anything to ME. We just have different values.” She was not wrong, we clearly have very different values and I stepped back from that friendship. Don’t come crying to me if/when she does it to you I guess.

Having said that, if you’ve actually told A she was in the wrong and A has apologised, I’m not sure what the actual issue is?!