Supporting child in bereavement

[soverysadtonight]

I posted recently about a dear friend who died suddenly, leaving a very young child behind. What can o do to help her? Her mum was quite dear to me and I’m devastated that she’ll never know her. A bereavement card seems not quite right?

There are various books which can help a child come to terms with a death. I’m sure others on here can recommend some. How old is the child? Would a cuddly toy help? We always talked of the dead person being in your heart and head. In everything you do.

Thank you, her child is 5. Her mum was pregnant and killed in an accident, it’s just horrific, the baby died as well. i’m so sad her LO will never get to know her mum, who was one of my dearest friends.

The best thing you can do is to reach out to the family to offer long term support, to be a special honorary aunt type figure, to be able to talk to them as they grow up and age appropriate about what a lovely person she was. My dd has a friend who lost her mum at 7 and she has a lovely relationship with one of her mum’s friends long term (she’s grown now) and she loved hearing the tales of scrapes they got into at university, going travelling etc before the mum met the dad. The friend was also there for more awkward moments, like it was her who took her to buy bras. Obviously it’s down to the family and for now i wouldn’t buy anything beyond perhaps a pretty card where you write inside heartfelt words and that you’ll be there for her, perhaps a plant the child can look after (cut flowers die) or if they had space, a tree in due course

Thank you, This is very helpful. They’ve moved to the other side of the country so I unfortunately can’t do much practical support but will let her husband know I’m happy to stay in touch (although despite being very close with my friend had very little contact with her DH except occasional evenings out).

I think the bereavement will hit the dd at various stages of her life and at this precise moment she will still be able to jump in and out of the grief as other things are happening and as long as her dad is around for her. As she gets older, it will be important for you to still be in touch as her mum's friend from the past, someone she can ask about things and talk to about her mum when she might well feel her dad has moved on with another partner or not showing much emotion about it.

It will be so good for her to have you stay in touch with cards and little presents in the years to come and see her when you can. She might not want that and her dad might not want that, so you will obviously need to be guided by him, but I can't imagine he will reject such a kind friend.

So sorry you lost your lovely friend.
It would mean so much to the DD for you to stay in touch long term, and I think it's important for you to take the initiative on that, don't just leave it for the Dad to follow up. He might not have the headspace to take much on board at the moment, and might not realise what a valuable contribution you could make.
I have a friend who is the stepmother of a child whose Mum died when she was young, and she was really saddened at how quickly the mum's friends and family just lost touch. If you can keep sending little postcards and pressies and and make a point of visiting if at all possible, it would really help her.