DS irritating peers and losing friends

[Brightpanda]

My DS is 8 years old and I'm getting quite worried about how he's doing socially. He's never been a child with a lot of friends, but he did have a couple of good friends from when he started school. But lately they seem to be getting fed up with him and often don't want to play any more. And he's not making new friends either.

It doesn't surprise me because he's becoming very irritating in the way he interacts with other children. He gets in their space, picks at their clothes, makes silly faces, does silly voices, pretends to mishear them as if they've said something that doesn't make sense, will say the same thing again and again.

I think it ultimately stems from shyness, he's not confident to be himself so he tries to be really silly and funny. But it's not funny and other children don't like it. It's such a shame he's started being like this even with his friends, because I think they won't be his friends much longer if he keeps it up.

I have tried to gently give him some tips at home, mostly encouraging him to use his normal voice and try to be sincere because he's such a great boy just when he's being himself. But he doesn't seem to be able to stop himself, or he doesn't take what I say to heart.

What can I do? Should I tell him straight out that he's being annoying? I don't want to knock his confidence any more but it's like watching a train crash seeing him annoy his peers so much.

I’d raise it with school. Sometimes they will help with social skills type groups.

Have school staff not mentioned any difficulties with friendship skills? Maybe you can ask and if possible someone could observe at break time.
Is he young in his cohort?
Sounds like you’ve been trying to help him. I wouldn’t say he’s being annoying to him.
Use phrases like
“your friends don’t like you touching them”
There are materials around social skills called Space Invaders/ Don’t be a Space Invader that might help.
He might be able to tell you that he knows how to be a “ good friend” but not be able to transfer these skills to social situations.
He may need really clear, direct instructions “ no touching” “ no silly voices” for e.g.

His teacher emailed to say that he had been unhappy at playtime a few times but didn't want to talk about it. When I spoke about it with him he told me that his friends didn't want to play. Because they usually still do play with him, I'm not sure the school will necessarily have twigged. But the friends also don't want to come over to our house much anymore / aren't inviting him.

I've had enough opportunity to see him with his peers (most recently at a class birthday party yesterday) to see how he is.

I will speak to his teacher and thanks for other ideas. I have been very clear about no silly voices especially, but he still does it and of course it's not appropriate to tell him in front of other kids or 'punish' him for it because it's not exactly bad behaviour and I don't want to draw the other kids' attention to it any more. It's hard.

It’s difficult isn’t it as he’s just being himself. Children will try strategies to fit in which sadly often have the opposite effect and they don’t realise.
Does he have any you get cousins or friends? His play might be appreciated more by younger children.

He has lots of cousins but he's the youngest ( next oldest is 6 months older).

That's the thing, I don't think he is being himself. He's putting on this clown act and he's much more likeable when he is genuinely being himself.

His teacher didn't have a lot to suggest. He just said that lots of children have similar issues at this age, which I'm sure is true but doesn't especially help. I suppose the implication was just wait for him to grow out of it, but in the meantime he's getting a bad social reputation at school which may be hard to shake and more importantly he often doesn't have anyone to play with 😕

This is around the age when lots of boys typically get quite into sport. Does he do/enjoy any sports or sports clubs? And does he have any friends outside school? How is he with them? Sometimes it's as if they get embedded in an unhelpful dynamic with a particular group and find it hard to change their behaviour - but they may be totally different with other friendship groups.

You need to be straight with him.

”people don’t like it when you do silly voices when you’re talking to them”

”it’s rude to make it out like you didn’t hear someone when you did”

etc etc. children who have social communication difficulties need telling exactly what the issue is and you have to be blunt with them

As pp said, my son responds to direct instructions. People don’t like it when… the (social) rules are and you need to follow them…

I would definitely be clear and to the point with him "Bobby didn't like it when you did that, he found it annoying".

Yes, good question/advice from @willowpatternchina .
Is he involved in any sport/hobby/other group?
That can be really helpful.

You sound like a really great and considerate parent, @Brightpanda !

Yes I would tell him straight out that he's annoying and his behaviour will push other children away. Your gentle hints haven't worked and it's not helpful to sugarcoat it too much.

💐 I know it's hard to watch your child suffer. You're being a good parent by looking to help him identify what his own behaviour looks like to others and how to build friendships.

I feel your pain. I had to do the same with my daughter when she was younger. Repeating things endlessly and not speaking clearly for people to hear and then not repeating when someone asked what she said. She thought it was funny. Irritating for us and her friends. We told her quite bluntly and it stopped. Refused to engage with her if she was being annoyingly silly.

she’s now a teen and she’s articulate, has a good sense of humour and I have no worries about her communications with her friends.

Its a fine line between nice confident children and annoying twee children who are beyond irritating.

The teacher is right - it is common. Don't overblow it, just be direct in your guidance.

Also put him into managed activities, where adults set the tone (cubs or swimming or tennis etc.)

In schools they used to sometimes use a poster that said
THINK before you speak, is it:
True
Helpful
Interesting
Necessary
Kind?

You could talk about that and encourage him to try to achieve it more often. Focus on what he SHOULD do, rather than what he shouldn't.

Are there any other jokers in the family? Could the older cousins be teasing him in similar ways? Be mindful he might be repeating something that's being done to him.

Thanks everyone, I think it might indeed be time to be more blunt about what he shouldn't do.

He is in a sport which he enjoys, but it's the same boys from school (there is one school and one sports club in our town so tends to be all the same kids).

There are a few boys who he does not call hia friends, but he talks to them and there is a foundation of a friendship there I think. He actually just came home from his sports practice and told me that one of these boys had agreed to come over to play one day so I will try to set that up and fingers crossed 🤞