Christmas Blues

[Serena1977]

DD who will be 14 in January is already sad about what we will be doing as a family of 4 for Christmas. DS is 12 and he is autistic so he's happy playing his switch alone in his room.

She is very sociable but she is going through and hard time regarding growing up so she says Christmas is not magically anymore like when she was little.

We also don't see any family. PILS spend it with golden child BIL and his family every day and my elderly DM prefers to be alone at home. DF died years ago. My DB spends all of Christmas with his PILS. So she won't see PILS (which is rare anyway) nor uncles or aunts or her 6 cousins.

She gets jealous of hearing about her pals having fun and big family gatherings etc.

How can I help her and what can we do over the Christmas period?
We are in Sheffield if anyone knows of anything happening. Money is tightish.

Would it help if you got her recreating the magic for someone else? Like filling a shoebox for an appeal? Or getting a name off the trees they have in Dunelm for children who don’t have much? Something she really has to think about for a child who is still young enough to believe in Father Christmas?

Could you organise something with her cousins before Christmas? Ice skating or a cinema trip? Or having them come over to yours one afternoon for Christmas movies and hot chocolate?

What about involving her in cooking Christmas dinner? Give her something to be responsible for and do practice runs? Inventing a Christmas mocktail?

A Christmas market? A trip to church for a carol service? Maybe you and her go to get your nails done together?

That's Christmas as a teenager though.

Would you be able to go away as a family for xmas?

Somewhere snowy abroad or just somewhere atmospheric here?

(assuming you're in the uk)

Honestly i'd like to be free of the 'everyone expects to see everyone' that we have and be able to go somewhere else!

Well so would I, it sounds pretty idyllic to me personally but op and her dd are not in this situation!

There's a new Christmas lights trail at Gullivers Valley that's on sale with early bird prices now if you can get there? It's got all the marshmallow pits, hot chocolates etc., that my dc go for!

I think realising that Christmas is no longer as magical is part of growing up. I'd try and support her with her feelings and help her to work her way towards a new more adult way of "feelings" about Christmas. Part of that might be getting involved in giving as pp suggested or thinking about she can plan some things that would be fun. Could she invite a group of friends to go ice skating? Does she like baking, could she start a ritual of making Christmas biscuits and giving to friends/neighbours.
I'd help her to put some definite "nice" things on the calendar that she has to look forward to, but don't try and make it "magical" for her in the same way as it was when she was young as I don't think it's possible.

Depending on what you can afford its all about the build up to Christmas now.

Markets, cinema, shopping, as many things as you fit in and then the time Christmas Day comes rounds she'll hopefully be all Christmased out!!

I agree about focussing on the build up to Christmas. Mine are teens and the actual day is chilled- a mixture of food, games and alone time, (used to see extended family but haven’t the last couple of years). We do loads as a family the 6th weeks before Christmas.

Although I do miss them being younger and Christmas being magical.

I don't think this is really about Christmas, I think this is about your DD finding growing up hard. I mean, most people just spend Christmas with family, not everyone in her entire social circle will be having a huge Christmas with a big family gathering. So I think she's giving you 'Christmas isn't magical any more' as a reason for everything in her life feeling out of control and a little bit shit.

I'd say let her find out a bit more about the GOOD things about growing up. Maybe talk a bit about going to university or how nice it is when you work and can afford to buy your own things that you really want. Tell her how lovely Christmas is when children are small and help her find new traditions and things to do around Christmas that will make it feel special. My kids (now all in their thirties) love some of our old family traditions - The Night Before Christmas, making mince pies, Christmas day walk - that is now what they hang their love of Christmas on, not 'believing in Santa' but practical things that they can help with to build the atmosphere.

As DD is so social, could you arrange a Christmas party at yours? I don't mean DDs friends, although you could do that as well, but maybe invite neighbours and their families for drinks some time over the Christmas week, or friends of yours? Hosting can be good fun, and she might enjoy the prep.

I think there are lots of things you can do with a teen, that you wouldn't perhaps have done with little ones, to start your own 'grown up' traditions

Get her involved in cooking - the dinner itself, or part of (maybe a starter or pudding), or making a Christmas Cake or Christmas Pudding or mince pies, in advance
Christmas market
Go to a Midnight service
Pop up ice rink
Go to a ballet (or pantomime)
Go to a traditional Boxing Day event or sporting fixture

But (as others have said) what about inviting people to you.

Invite your extended family on the Sat or Sun after Christmas when they are back from their other places / traditions.
Or invite the neighbours for a 'Christmas Drinks Party (and, again, get her involved making some canapes)
Or invite friends round before or after Christmas for a gathering of some kind.

I start a Christmas treat cupboard around now which they’re getting involved with, saying what they’d like for December.
I’m also going to put together brrr baskets this year - yes I’m mad, have a look on Pinterest!
So we get our decs up early which they’re involved with.
they have people to buy presents for themselves now, so go out Christmas shopping.
we usually go to the ballet before Christmas.
we have Christmas tepees in our town which are
lovely with fire pits and marshmallows and mulled wine.
just having a walk around the neighbourhood looking at the lights is nice.
we’re going to center parcs just before which they love.
Christmas Eve we go to church and then out for supper.

I'd explain to your daughter why a big family Christmas isn't going to happen but ask her to help you build some different traditions that she would enjoy. As others have said maybe just you and her could do something she can look forward to in the run up to Christmas each year if your son finds it overwhelming.

I can absolutely see why your daughter finds this hard. She doesn’t even have her brother to hang out with if he’s mostly in his room.

You could try and invite some family and explain it would be really nice to have at least one Christmas together but I suspect plans will already have been discussed and people tend to stick to what they always do.

Could you have a family day and invite local friends round for drinks and games in the evening or on Boxing Day? You might be surprised how many people actually quite like to socialise. We definitely would.

Otherwise do as others have suggested and plan lots around the day. It doesn’t all have to be expensive but find ways to make the festive period feel special and she might not feel so sad about Xmas day.