Concern about family friend

[concernedceline]

Hey All,

Posting in here for traffic.

Looking for some advice. My husband has a friend and he comes to stay with us sometime. This friend is single, and introverted. He’s never had a partner as far as we know.

I have a 4 year old daughter and I’m trying to work out if I’m concerned about the family friends behaviour. My gut is ringing alarm bells but I was sexually assaulted as a child so I’m aware this might have impact on my heightened awareness.

So whenever my daughter is around she somehow climbs on this family friend and almost straddles him. I totally know that children do this with adults but it always seems to be that she’s on him/cuddled very close. She’s not like this with many other family friends. He also seems to follow her around the house and since I am getting a bit worried, I am following her around the house too. After 1 minute alone he’s tightly cuddled up with her sitting inside the house when we are all outside. It just seems to be an unusual level of physical contact.

It would be helpful to know if any of you think I’m being a bit silly, or if you think that there might be something in this.

I’ve tried to speak to my husband about this but I almost talked myself down like I could be paranoid because of my experience.

"Get off uncle John, Millie" "John, that's not appropriate. Stop encouraging her " when you catch her on his lap, lift her off and distract her by something. Make it clear to him that he is out of order.
If you feel uncomfortable then do something regardless of your husband minimising it.

This. “She’ll be going to school shortly so we are teaching her appropriate behaviour with adults to keep her safe”. Have a look at the ‘PANTS’ they teach in school aswell. Sorry to hear of your assault and yes, it can make you extra sensitive but that can only be a good thing.

If you have a gut feeling, follow it. Never doubt yourself in this situation. Your abuse probably makes you more likely to be correct, not to overreact.

I would tell her to get off him “dd get off uncle joe. Thats not appropriate way to sit.”
Do not ever leave them alone. If it carries on I would ban him from the house. Your husband can see him outside the house instead without dd.

Thanks everyone for this. I’m literally in tears. I’ve been doubting myself for so long now thinking it’s just me being paranoid but I really don’t trust him. Yeh I know what everyone means. I need to make strong boundaries to her and him. When he leaves this weekend I’ll sit down with my husband and talk to him about this.

This! You may or may not have reason to be worried, but when it comes to things like this, always trust your instincts.

See I was thinking that; is banning him from the house being dramatic? I don’t think it is because of what’s happened to me but I guess I just want to make sure I’m being rational. I was also thinking next year I could just go away when he’s here. But I do also want to confront him about this.

No - I’d rather ban and be wrong than the alternative

What you describe is not usual levels of contact within your family that the child is simply replicating with another adult.

Red flag for me is finding them alone cuddling close - I would NOT be ok with this.

For full disclosure I work with people who have been SA including during childhood so maybe I am aware too from a different perspective.

No your not being dramatic - why an earth is he sat alone cuddling your dd tightly when the adults are outside? Its just plain weird.
I would of asked him what he was doing there & then. 🫂 im sure nothing dodgy is going on as your obviously being really careful & supervising but he gives me the creeps from what you have said.

Thanks everyone. This is really reassuring me that I’m not going mad. Going to go out with her and keep her under my eye tonight. Might also see if she wants to sleep on our floor tonight as the guest leaves tomorrow.

That's uncomfortable at best, OP. I would be having strong words with DH that this person needs to stay in a hotel next time or they meet away from the home. Your child relies on you entirely at this age for their safety.

It may be innocent. It may not. And that's enough reason to put a stop to it.

If its innocent and he stops staying then there's no downside for you or your dd.

If its not and he stays over then the impact is huge.

I would be telling my husband to meet him elsewhere and keep him away from dd.

It doesn't really matter if there is a real problem or risk here or not, you need to start discouraging it in any case - for everyone's sake.

Don't have your kids call men who aren't related to them 'uncle' it blurs boundaries.

He's a man who is nothing to do with her family. That's what she should see him as.

You may want to consider speaking to the police about a Sarah's Law disclosure
www.sarsas.org.uk/resources/sarahs-law/

Follow your gut feeling. I did and I’m so glad I did. I put the name in Google and didnt need to do much digging. All they did was approach me and say hi at first. I avoided them instantly and refused to engage with them. She was very pushy until I outright threatened her with the police and telling her to fuck off. My whole being was saying something is wrong so avoided from the beginning. She had a long serious criminal history and had been moved to multiple areas after she has offended Harassing and stalking people she deems vulnerable. This wasn’t the only time my gut instinct was correct.