Think a lot of people are in the same boat- I’m dealing with two elderly parents who I very much love, but often struggle with. No dementia etc, but very limited mobility (both use roller-walkers) so neither can now drive. They’re lovely and I know they can’t help it but the drama they can build around the tiniest of things really grates on me.
As an example (this has actually happened and instances like this are typical and happen multiple times a day!)
The whole world could be falling down around your ears in the middle of July and they’ll suddenly get into a discussion about who’ll drive them to Tesco for their Christmas crackers because they previously tried Sainsbury’s crackers and they weren’t as good and so they have to have the ones from Tesco. If I do it, it’ll have to be after 5pm because I work full time and if they go after 5, they won’t be home until closer to 7pm and does that mean they should have dinner in the early afternoon because 7pm is too late to eat? But if they eat their main meal at 1pm, will they be hungry enough to have sandwiches at 7pm or should mum defrost some soup before they leave? Should they make the sandwiches at 4pm so they’re in the fridge when they get home? But it’ll be December and what if the weather is very cold- will they want a hot meal? Would sandwiches with soup be too much after having a hot lunch earlier in the day? Maybe a toasted sandwich but not here bot keen on the idea because she once read an article in Woman magazine about a family who left their sandwich toaster switched on when they went out, and their house burned down. No, they won’t risk it.
If my sister drives them, they’ll have to go in the morning because she has school pick-up and they’ll fret because traffic will be heavier on the ring-road and where will she get parking at that time of the day if the supermarket is busy? And didn’t mum once go to Tesco at 2pm in 1984 and they had no Christmas crackers so they’ve both decreed that Tesco only put Christmas crackers out later in the afternoon and so suggest that I finish work early so we can be there for 3pm and home in time for their normal dinner time?
I explain that I cannot take a half day off work to do a Tesco shop.
When I point out that I can just do an online shop for all of the Christmas items they could ever want, there’s a sub-discussion about what will happen if the delivery driver rings the doorbell and the dog starts barking and upsets the neighbours because they remember when some people move in next door in 2008 and had a dog and they could hear it barking. They decide that, on the afternoon that the shopping is due, they’ll stay out in the garden (in December…) with the dog so he won’t hear the doorbell, and I can spend the afternoon at their house waiting for the delivery. Again, I point out that I can’t take an afternoon off work to sit in their house waiting for groceries.
How about we go on a Saturday instead?, I suggest.
A Saturday?! Near Christmas?? Are you mad?
Anyway, this cycle continues. At least three times a day there’s some similar drama. I’ve taken today off work to take dad to a medical appointment. It was at 10am, they both insisted that we set-off at 9am, despite the clinic being less than a ten minute drive away. I relented because it wasn’t worth the argument (and gave me an excuse to grab a coffee). As we’re sitting outside in the car waiting for the clinic to open (at 10am), my phone rings. It’s mum telling me to be sure to check in with the blonde receptionist and not the brunette because the blonde one “always gets them seen faster”.
As I was making their lunch today, mum was very concerned that the food wouldn’t be ready for 1pm. I said it should be ready for 1, maybe 5 past. This triggered a discussion around what happened- did I forget to defrost the salmon? Have I the oven on too low a temperate? Am I sure I didn’t turn the knob in the wrong direction and accidentally switch on the grill? Remember the time when I was 16 and I made myself some food that wasn’t heated through?
(Lunch was ready at 1.01pm, they sat at the table at 12.55 eyeballing me as I cooked).
I’ll reiterate that I love them but they’re difficult people (always have been), very set in their ways and very much used to others doing everything for them. Their world is now quite small and they’ve grown increasingly self-centered. They’re also very competitive when it comes to ill-health. If dad has a pain, mum will start complaining about some ailment. If mum has a cold, dad will insist on visiting the doctor and coming home with a diagnosis of “mild flu” for himself. I’ve come to realise that they don’t really like each other all that much.
Telling them, gently, to back off doesn’t work. Telling them a bit more forcefully absolutely doesn’t work.
My sister is excellent at dealing with them. She’s able to tune them out more. I’ve tried but I can’t. I’ve tried the “grey rock” method, but I just end up biting my tongue and seething, then feeling bad because I shouldn’t be getting so annoyed at two elderly disabled people over a piece of salmon.
Given their advancing years, I don’t want my memories of my final years with them being filled with stress and frustration. I feel like a bad person when my frustration becomes visible, or when my voice sounds clipped.
Does anyone have any tips for becoming more patient?