DD struggling to make friends at college

[Asvan]

Hi all,

Dd started college on Monday and has been coming home upset because she hasn't made any friends. Today was particularly bad because she had a few free periods but had no one to spend them with so she spent the whole time wondering around.

Dd has always struggled with making friends. In primary school she was bullied and at secondary she changed a few friendship groups but eventually found 2 girls she became close to. They are still friends but have all gone to different colleges.

Dd is a lovely girl and is very bright, she achieved top grades in her GCSEs but she has always struggled with friendships. She does have some groups of friends through her hobbies but no one that goes to the same college.

Only a few girls from her secondary school have gone to the same college as her but they were never really close and are all studying different subjects and have different timetables etc. I've told her to be proactive and ask people she meets in her lessons to meet up with her at lunch etc but she said she still doesn't feel comfortable doing that as its very early days and the new people she has met all have their own friendship groups already.

She's been really upset today and told me she is not enjoying college because she feels so alone. I've told her to be patient and eventually she will find her people but inside I feel so upset for her. Would it be worth ringing college to let them know or shall I just wait and see what happens?

Thanks.

I would explore some extra curricular activities with her, usually there a wide variety of clubs and societies that students can join, see if she can find any to match her interests. The more time she spends with people in her course the more likely she’ll form those friendships but having something in common can help to speed up the process.

You could also speak with her tutors or pastoral lead to see if they can facilitate any peer support or recommend group work, given her age she may not want interference so it might be an idea to wait until your first parents evening discussion, but you know her best.

IME college is very much about finding your group of people but it can take some time. Hope she starts to feel a bit more settled soon, it’s a tricky time!

Thank you. She has signed up for football at college but sessions wont start until next week. She can't do much else at college because she has an evening hobby that requires a lot of her time. She has made friends doing that and she has her old school friends but the thought of her wondering around college on her own really breaks my heart.

Dd came home very upset again today. Would it be worth speaking the the college? Can they realistically do anything? I'm so worried about her.

I’m not sure there’s much they will do.

how big is the college?

normally once you get settled in free periods are spent doing homework and the like as the workload can be pretty high.
if she’s not prepared to ask others if they’ll join her for lunch and similar then it will be tricky.

some colleges are so huge they are more like universities they have so many students. How bog is it?

she should have some kind of tutor who in theory is responsible for pastoral issues but depending on how big the college is and how it is organised, well some do more than others.

if she has a tutor you could contact them.

I think she needs to ask to exchange numbers with the people in the classroom. There might be some WhatsApp groups where socialising is being organised. Asking to swap numbers is a good start and not too taxing

I think this is pretty normal for the first week. I remember (a long time ago) when I started college, the first month was pretty tough, luckily I knew one other person at college (different course) and occasionally we would have lunch together. Eventually I got to know people on my course and ended up having a great time. Making friends takes time.

In my experience, further education college tended to be worse for feelings of alienation (as well as bullying, drugs and creepy guys) than school or university. So many cliques of people who already know eachother, and it is easier to mix when you're already in a group as opposed to being on your own. I do not miss my time at college when I was a teenager. Even doing the Access course was quite unpleasant.

I would take a book and find a quiet corner. She'll find her people in the end. I think wandering around will just emphasise feeling lonely, if she finds a quiet place to read she won't feel so bad as she won't be 'looking' for anything, if that makes sense.

There’s probably quite a few other people feeling the same.

Some things she can try -
(a) at the beginning or end of the lesson, speak to the person sitting next to her, in front of her, behind of her.
(b) ask a few of the more friendly looking if they want a student WhatsApp group.
(c) go to the cafe area and sit next to someone else who is by themselves (perhaps wait a few minutes before sitting down to choose the best option).

Colleges aren’t like school and she will need to handle this sort of thing herself more. There’s not a lot staff can do for this age group but joint projects and group activities are pretty standard and will also give opportunities for mixing.

It’s early days. I’m not sure what the college could do at this stage. I second taking a book and something to snack on so she feels less alone or conspicuous whilst she finds her people.
Alternatively, is there a canteen, coffee shop or a library that she could set up in during free periods? She is more likely to end up sharing a table or making some small talk in those situations rather than walking around alone.

Thank you for all the replies.

She goes to a 6th form college and it's a pretty huge one, with about 1500 students.

Over the weekend, she asked if she could move to the college most of her friends went to but I told her to give it more time.

Like I said before, because of her past experiences with bullying etc she finds it very hard to make friends and feels awkward about approaching people. I've given her the tips from this thread so I'm hoping that will help.

Thank you all.

How is your DD getting on now, @Asvan? I really hope things are better.
I could have written your first post. Unfortunately, we're still in the same position three weeks later and have no idea what to do. She doesn't want to give up but is absolutely miserable :(

Ask the college to help what did they do to help bonding ?

I would speak to her tutor/welfare team they might suggest things/be able to support. My daughter was similar the staff were amazing at getting her involved in things.xx

Honestly the team at my dd's college and her tutor were amazing. Felt like a helicopter parent but glad I was!