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My DD is having trouble navigating growing up and it's making her mean about me and others

13 replies

climbcontemporarybad · 03/09/2025 22:36

My daughter is a lovely sweet polite 10 year old, recently she has begun worrying a lot about puberty, self image and has become hyper aware of everyone around hers "faults"

She would never say anything insulting to other people but she does share all these things with me, I have spent many hours of time over the last year listening to her worries about periods, her figure, other people faults. I tried talking about it and reassuring her / explaining that no one is perfect and we just need to accept and love ourselves and others. I've bought her books, I've also gone the other way and told her to stop worrying and shut the conversation down...neither does anything to stop her worrying/in her words "thinking mean things about people" I don't know what else to do.

The other issue is she also tells me the mean things she has thought about me and my appearance, I have tried to act like I don't care what she's thinks it only matters what I think of me, I have tried to tell her that it hurts and she shouldn't say those things even if she thinks them. The comments on my weight have stopped and now she has moved to picking out of things I am insecure about, she would never know that as I try to promote a positive self image and I know she's not trying to upset me but it does. When I say I don't want to hear what she thinks is wrong with me or other people, she's gets upset and tells me that she has no one else to talk to and talking about it helps her.

What can I do to help her, she is obviously having trouble coming to terms with growing up but I don't know how to help her navigate that and at the same time I know I need to stop the mean things but how do I do that without her feeling like she can't have a open dialogue with me.

OP posts:
Beamur · 03/09/2025 22:43

Might be totally different - but my DD did something similar but bit younger - she was actually highly anxious and this was early signs of OCD.
Maybe switch attention off what she is actually saying and dog a little about how she's feeling. I suspect you're right in that puberty is a factor here.

climbcontemporarybad · 03/09/2025 22:47

To be clear I have said I don't want to hear the bad things about me in a nice way and made it clear that she can think things and not share them when they might cause upset and also in a way of being very direct that those things have hurt me and she should not say things which would cause upset and how would she feel.
At the end of every day she tells me all the days worries and "bad thoughts" and I have told her she doesn't need to hold onto them to tell me, her dwelling on these won't help her and she is allowed thoughts without them being a big deal.

OP posts:
Beamur · 03/09/2025 22:48

Look up anxiety and rumination.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

climbcontemporarybad · 03/09/2025 22:50

Beamur · 03/09/2025 22:43

Might be totally different - but my DD did something similar but bit younger - she was actually highly anxious and this was early signs of OCD.
Maybe switch attention off what she is actually saying and dog a little about how she's feeling. I suspect you're right in that puberty is a factor here.

Yes I think she is anxious but I don't know how to deal with that. I have tried talking though everything and also trying not to dwell and I also felt it would pass in time but it doesn't appear to be.

OP posts:
BloomingNerines · 03/09/2025 22:52

I would agree with a pp - it sounds as if she may be developing OCD.

Gymbunny2025 · 03/09/2025 22:56

I think saying rude things about your parents can be quite normal and part of starting to grow away from us as they become teens then young adults. I have developed a very thick skin! I’ve also talked ‘white lies’ rather than being rude in a half jokey half serious way.

Beamur · 03/09/2025 22:56

I would seriously consider requesting referral to CAHMS. OCD - which when focusing on ruminations and thoughts is very hard to deal with. Simple reasonable conversations don't really work. You're right in that thoughts are just thoughts, but OCD sufferers find this very hard to square with how they experience them.
Do you have any suspicions of her being ND? It's not uncommon for Autistic girls to be missed when young but anxiety increasingly manifests in their lives.
My DD was picked up with intrusive thoughts from a very young age, but not assessed for ASD until 10 years later.

climbcontemporarybad · 03/09/2025 23:01

Beamur · 03/09/2025 22:56

I would seriously consider requesting referral to CAHMS. OCD - which when focusing on ruminations and thoughts is very hard to deal with. Simple reasonable conversations don't really work. You're right in that thoughts are just thoughts, but OCD sufferers find this very hard to square with how they experience them.
Do you have any suspicions of her being ND? It's not uncommon for Autistic girls to be missed when young but anxiety increasingly manifests in their lives.
My DD was picked up with intrusive thoughts from a very young age, but not assessed for ASD until 10 years later.

I don't think so, there are no other signs of ND, I think the only thing which would suggest that is the anxiety, I know girls mask but I don't believe she has any other signs

OP posts:
Beamur · 03/09/2025 23:04

I think you are possibly describing your DD having a form of OCD which focuses on thoughts and ruminations/intrusive thoughts.
Read up on it and see if it resonates.

ArmchairXpert · 04/09/2025 07:44

Maybe she could start writing a diary? That way, she gets the thoughts out of her (which is what she seems to be doing with you), she allows them a proper space rather than repress them, but it doesn't have a harmful effect on you or others.
Good luck 💐

myplace · 04/09/2025 07:49

You could focus on building relaxation into her day. Do small acts of mindfulness routinely. Model good breathing, connecting with nature, creating moments of calm…

The more strategies and habits she has around stress management and relaxation, the better she’ll be able to manage.

DeepBlueScroller · 04/09/2025 07:49

At her age, it’s very common to become hyper-aware of appearance, bodies, and social comparison. She may be expressing these thoughts to you because she trusts you, not because she wants to hurt you. You can let her know that lots of people go through this stage of noticing “flaws,” but what matters is how we handle those thoughts.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/09/2025 08:27

climbcontemporarybad · 03/09/2025 23:01

I don't think so, there are no other signs of ND, I think the only thing which would suggest that is the anxiety, I know girls mask but I don't believe she has any other signs

Girls often don’t show signs.
Girl signs are:having intense interests in girly stuff like reading, fashion, pop stars. Collecting jelly cats/cuddlies is a big thing.

Does she have friendship issues, is she shy? Is she clumsy? Can she talk to people? Can she concentrate? Does she have meltdowns?

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