I feel a bit down 😕 and it isn’t passing - is this just ‘me’ now?

[Florentine8181]

Name changed as it’s hard to write such personal information and I don’t have anyone to talk to in real life.

Before I start, I want to say that I spend lots of time watching ‘positivity’, mindfulness, how to change your thinking, inspiring messages from gurus etc, so this is definitely not a wallowing problem.

Anyhow, I’m 45, separated (4 years ago) and the main carer of two children 10/12 both of whom are neurodiverse. This is difficult at times. One child is very oppositional and despite trying to calmly keep them with me… they really know how to push my buttons, to the point that I will have to go and sit in my room to de-escalate attempts to have arguments. EVERYTHING I ask my child to do is met with refusal, whether it’s homework, lifting a cup, practising spellings, bringing some of their own belongings upstairs…just NO. Will not do it or certainly rarely.

Despite this, they seem to want every single second of my time and if I don’t stop everything to listen to them, they mutter under their breath about what a dreadful parent I am.

So when I say I am busy, I’m not mindlessly scrolling on my phone but we’ve come in from work/school, I try to sort the kitchen out and start making dinner which I always do from scratch.

The 10 years ago old wants me to play games and read with her every evening and doesn’t accept that if I do this, it means it’s late before I can relax, because I have all the sorting out of kitchen, washing up etc, sorting dog, watering plants, prepping lunches, bills admin to do after. The other issue is that this child still sleeps with me, they will not entertain sleeping alone and unless I go to bed with them, they will shout and call repeatedly until I do. The only respite from this is if I get extremely cross and tell them off but to be quite honest the emotional energy it takes to do this and the feeling of guilt after means it’s not worth it.

My older child is severely autistic and would spend every second gaming if I allowed him to. He’s much more placid and will help with small tasks but trying to get him to do the basics such as have a shower, cleanse face, teeth is such a battle.

Their dad has them one night at the weekend but he lets them do whatever they want to so doesn’t see a problem at all.

Thats the children issue briefly 😬

I also teach part time, I’m in a school where I’ve experienced horrible isolation and marginalising treatment for reasons I’ve never really understood. I lead several subjects and came in one day and was told I wasn’t in charge of them anymore… X was and then said person got a paid allowance. I did the same job for years for free. I’ve been told to find another job y my headteacher and also that it would be better if I could get my children adopted. I definitely don’t feel very resilient at work and have been through so much in my 20 years at the school. Again it’s not just school that is the issue.

I also have an autoimmune condition (MS) and fibromyalgia and it leaves me very tired, brain fog, lacking in energy.

I don’t have my parents to lean on, even to talk to, they live far away as in a few hours drive but my father is a bully, I find his energy so draining that it takes me days to recover from being in his company. We’ve never had a good relationship and I have huge amounts of childhood issues/trauma.

I can’t support myself and my children on a part time teacher salary, so I have to tutor online to make extra money. So the ‘rest’ at the weekends when their dad has the children isn’t a really a rest.

For many reasons all my friendships have fizzled out. I don’t have anyone I could call in an emergency, not a single person.

I had a relationship for a year straight after my separation but although I thought he was the love of my life/soulmate… he essentially love bombed me, made me fall totally in love with him and then ended the relationship (on the last night of an idyllic holiday to Italy) 😢 3 years later I still don’t have closure on that.

I feel as if I’m falling apart. I’ve tried talking therapy several times but I just cry and it really is no help! There is nothing anyone else can really say, because my life is my life and I can’t change it so as to make a huge difference.

I feel as if I go around the world wearing a mask, then when I’m by myself the mask comes off and I cry and cry, can’t sleep… I also have ADHD and I overthink everything with the smallest detail playing over and over in my head on repeat.

I’d love to find some joy in life. I think at the crux of it all, I’m just so desperately lonely 😞

Have you been assessed for autism
It presents differently in adult women to children
I have a diagnosis of autism and waiting for ADHD one
I've 4 DC two have diagnosis of autism and one has learning disabilities,two don't have diagnosis,but most probably would get diagnosed ( adults now )
We ended up having to remove all demands from DC ,even education at one point , because things got so bad with his mental health.
Definitely lower your expectations of your childrens behaviour and of yourself as a parent.. running yourself in to the ground won't help anyone
If your DC are in a school ,they are going to be heavily masking every second they are there ,so need the downtime to do as they please at home ..in a lot of ways your ex husband has the right idea ..mine have PDA profile,as do I ..so me telling them to do anything at all caused conflict..I would give choices in stead .
Instead of can you put your jumper on ,I would say ,do you want the red jumper or the blue jumper .
Instead of can you come to the table for dinner ,I say would you like nuggets or pizza ,
instead of can you do your homework,I'd say shall we read first or do spelling,.
.that sort of thing .. sometimes it works sometimes not .
Homework ...they didn't have after a while anyway,as it caused to much stress at home ,school decided not to set it for them.
You need to find ways to make life easier for all of you
If your autistic,you will be finding your job very stressful,and very overwhelming and you will be masking furiously to fit in with the other teachers and hoping they don't notice you struggling...you then come home to struggling children,who likely explode at the slightest request from you , because...coke bottle effect...
They hold it in all day ,and erupt in the safe environment of home .
It's not easy xx

How are you op
I looked to see if you had come back to this thread
Was yesterday the first day back at school for you and your children
I hope it went ok for you all xx

Hi there, just wanted to say hello and that I empathise. Loneliness is such a terrible thing. I read this definition of loneliness by George Orwell and it really chimed with me

https://www.facebook.com/share/16gC3fNoBE/?mibextid=WC7FNe

let me know if you can’t follow the link and I can share it another way.

I feel like the loneliness is what makes everything else so difficult, if you have someone in your corner, someone who gets you and is rooting for you then you can get through a lot of stuff. Doing it alone is hard.

I’m sorry that I don’t have any easy answers but I hope you feel like you have been heard and understood and that helps a little bit.

Thank you for your reply and understanding words. I have wondered myself if I might be autistic. You’re right, I do find my job hugely stressful and it’s not the work, it’s the fitting in and parent pleasing. I’ve always said teaching was like acting, so maybe I’m the one who is also masking. I don’t know. I thought having autism meant you didn’t really feel bothered about fitting in and having friends? I find it very isolating but I have no trouble making friends, it’s just keeping them and I tend to take things very personally. I’ve never felt enough and my mum would refer to me as ‘touchy’ ‘so sensitive’ ‘cross’ 😕

Not having anyone to advocate for and support me is hard. I think this is why the relationship I was in post separation really has floored me as I truly believed he was my person.

I could very easily list many behaviours of mine that link to ASD, but I’m not sure it would make a difference.

In another part of the UK, so kids have been back for a while. My eldest goes to a specialist school for children with autism so that’s been a big adjustment for them and they are still settling.

I do worry that this is my future now and it feels dark and a little saddening. Then I speak to my mother who tells me about how many people are unwell and sick so I’ve nothing to be sad about. All unvented feelings really.

Thank you for asking

Getting a diagnosis of my autism has given me huge comfort,and understanding of myself
For example I used to skip teeth brushing,but I never knew why ..now I know its a sensory issue and
I say to myself,get on with it ,it's just the autism trying to get in the way .
I can give myself understanding and not put extra pressure on myself
In a job you could get accommodations
I'm able to make friends as an adult,but I struggle to keep them , friendship just fizzles out ,the ones left are the ones happy to meet at the same time or place ..anyone wanting to meet me at a different place or time ,the friendship just didn't last ,I guess I'm not flexible enough
Never fitted in at school at all
I did briefly have a job in a school as a TA
But I struggled so much with the smell s , especially the smells of the food cooking ,then the lingering smell of food after lunch and the actual smell of the school it's self ..I had to leave in the end ,I made up some bizarre story of having kidney stones, because I couldn't be honest and say ,I can't cope with the smells