Marriage struggling after baby. What would you do?

[sharabababa]

Our baby is approaching their first birthday and our marriage has really suffered over the past 6 months in particular. We prepared for newborn stage to be difficult, when in reality that was objectively easy. Nowadays we just have no time for each other. We are bickering often and feel like roommates. I sense that my husband doesn’t like me anymore - I don’t think that’s just insecurity either, he’s definitely stepped back from me emotionally. We’ve talked and he says he is struggling to feel the same way as he used to towards me because he feels very resented and criticised, and like nothing he is doing is good enough. Practically he does a lot around the house and for the baby when he’s not working. I think he perceives my general overwhelm and stress as a personal attack. Sometimes I am snappy admittedly but I wouldn’t say massively more than any other mum trying to do it all. I have suffered with anxiety post birth and possibly some PND in there too.

I think the solution is to spend more time together maybe as we haven’t had a date night since baby and have actually only been out together once, for lunch, in nearly a year. We have offers of babysitting from family but baby is EBF and very difficult to settle to sleep on an evening.

I feel worried we won’t get back on track because it feels like there is no space to invest in our relationship as we barely have individual free time. I also wish DH put more effort in but he claims his cup is empty and he has no motivation to at the moment, which is upsetting to hear.

Does anyone have any ideas? I’m feeling low about it all because I’m returning to work really soon and that’s just going to be an extra demand on my time.

Could you do more date nights at home?

My DD (nearly two) has always been EBF and therefore not been able to leave her at bedtime.

I try to make a continuous effort to make time for DH. We share candle lit baths after she goes to bed, share ice cream on the sofa, watch series together etc. During her nap time I’ll poke my head around his office door and suggest a quickie as she still sleeps in our room.

We’ve not taken up family offers to babysit too much as I find it more effort/she’s not particularly trouble. But sometimes we’ve stayed over at family’s houses and then they’ve babysat in the mornings to give us time to go out for breakfast.

We probably overdo it but we’re overly appreciative to each other. Always thanking each other for doing jobs around the house/chores/picking up childcare. Because life can feel like we’re in the trenches at time its nice that we’re overly nice to each other. If one of us goes to the corner shop we always get the other one a treat. If DH has had a stressful day at work I’ll offer to wash his back in the shower or make him his favourite dinner.

Sometimes it’s easy to forget that you’re both on the same team and life is about the little moments.

If you are planning to go back to work soon who is looking after baby and does that change the EBF plan? I can sympathise as my youngest son was EBF and wouldn’t even take breast milk from a bottle. However for a year old I think you need to bite the bullet and take the offers of the babysitting even if just for a few hours and do something nice together. The way you both feel now will be more likely the trappings of a baby routine and a loss of freedom and spontaneity. You need to try and get out of the mindset of your baby being difficult to settle. As they get older I think kids are always more difficult for their parents than they are for others. Your child will be fine with a loving friend or family member that you trust and it sounds like you both just need that occasional break. I know we did!

I agree with the above, do date nights at home. Me & DH have been together for 16years now and we still do date nights at home, although our youngest is 9 now we've never had family to babysit so we've just got creative at home, we have little garden picnics, candle lit dinners, kitchen parties, movie nights, marshmallows over the fire etc. Saying that you both have to want to make effort, if its just one sided itll never work
Hope it gets easier for you!

Surely your baby is eating food now, so not EBF. To have not had any time away together from the baby, even for lunch is insane, of course your marriage is struggling. You need to take up an offer of babysitting and go and spend some time as a couple.

Do you criticise things he does with the baby?

We’ve talked and he says he is struggling to feel the same way as he used to towards me because he feels very resented and criticised, and like nothing he is doing is good enough.

This seems to be the nub of it for me.

Do you criticise him and/or resent him?

If not, why does he feel that you do? Can you talk to him to help him see this differently?

If you do, why do you? Do you feel he is not particularly helpful or that he's having a better life than you? Is it possible to discuss why you feel resentful or why you don't like the way he does things.

I don’t criticise him with baby but maybe I sometimes ask why he’s taking so long in the shower or seem resentful if he wakes up and just lies in bed scrolling for a while while I’ve got the baby, that kind of thing

aaah, okay, so the issue is that you DO resent him. MOst likely for good reason. And now he's sulking becuase he's not only not doing his bit with the baby, but he's annoyed that you're not prioritising him.

I do believe that you should be able to sit down and talk about this stuff. But sadly, often, nothing changes.

In what world is it insane?

I think this is completely normal. The only time I ever wondered if Dh and I wouldn’t make it in the 17 years we’ve been together was when our first was around 8-9 months. It’s a really hard time. There isn’t anything wrong with how either of you are feeling, it’s just hard.

You do probably need time together as a couple, not just parents. We did it so Friday and Saturday nights we had dinner together at the table just the two of us after bedtime. And once you go back to work or have daytime childcare in place, do some daytime lunch dates. We had no family help so an actual night out just wasn’t possible, but we tried to make time in other ways.

Beyond that, it’s simply acknowledging between you that this phase is tough, but you will get to the other side. You just have to stick in it together. I would say unfortunately things did not get easier until about 2. But we accepted that and just sort of kept going. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

1 whole year of never doing anything as a couple is insane in my opinion. Yes babies take over the majority of your life, but you can't ignore your relationship for a year and expect it to survive. It doesn't have to be full nights out or holidays away without the baby, but lunch dates, and afternoon day trip out, literally anything where someone else is looking after the child.

I find it very sad when I see adults completely give up who they were before children. Just because I'm a mum doesn't mean that's all I am, I'm still a person in my own right

Not going out without your child does not mean you're ignoring your relationship. Most adults can wrap their heads around now having a baby accompany them whilst still enjoying life together.

It’s tough in those early days but you’ll get through. Make a plan to go out together. Maybe it’s time to stop bf? I stopped at a year with my first and was amazed at the freedom that came into my life. Talk to him about how you will move through this. Remember, you’re zoomed in close at the moment but zoom out and you will see this is a small part of your lives and it will be over in a flash! Take care.

Hi OP I could have written your post a few years ago. Unfortunately my relationship didn’t make it. We just limped along without doing anything. I assumed we would get our act together but before that happened he ended up with another woman and leaving for her.

Obviously he has shown himself to be a massive prick but that aside I wish we had got our act together before it was too late. So basically I’m saying it’s good that you are identifying this now and don’t do what I did!

What I would have done differently - I wish we would have got counselling to work on our communication strategies. Specifically I needed to just let things go and he needed to realise that not everything was about him and definitely not a personal attack. Sounds like there are direct parallels with what is going on with you - it might seem extreme to be suggesting counselling now but advice I received too late was counselling works best when you get in there early and nip things in the bud.

I am also on sertraline now and feeling 1000pc better and happier - I wish I had done that earlier on in our relationship. Counselling may also help him to understand what is going on with you with the PND and hopefully that will make him a bit more sympathetic.

Definitely try to have baby free time together. Good luck I hope you don’t end up where I am :)