Family drama (again)

[LilacPomPom]

Tbh, I’m just looking for some positivity and agreement to help validate my feelings. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable and I’m aware I have quite a selfish mindset on this.

My DP & I booked our wedding, yay! There’s a whole host of family drama on his side which has stemmed from a non-amicable divorce with his Mum & Dad. Ngl, it’s an awful situation but they’re all plodding along with life (except his Mum, who - rightfully so - is heartbroken and distraught but she’s becoming nastier and nastier each minute)

anyways, my DP has 0 friends. I mean, 0. I have people I’m friends with and plan to invite them to the wedding. It means, though, that our wedding is small and I’m being cautious about not taking over as it’s going to be obvious if no one else has come specifically to celebrate with him (if that’s makes sense). I’m also quite close to my family (thankfully my family have taken in my DP and love him just as much) DPs mum has come round this afternoon and informed us that my DP’s Auntie (Let’s call her Sarah) said she’d “love to come to the wedding, as he is her favourite nephew, and is very excited for us both however Sarah cannot come because she doesn’t want to be around your dad as she’d probably punch him”

I’m honestly disgusted and disappointed that she would forego a crucial moment in my DPs life simply because she doesn’t want to be around her ex-BIL for a day - let alone that she’s a 55+ year old woman who is saying she couldn’t control her emotions. We’re not asking her to sit with him, dance or chat with him. I’m honestly gobsmacked and I made my thoughts pretty clear to my MIL when she told us. My heart is just so broken for my DP as his family is just continuously letting him down. I said to my MIL “that’s fine, she’s no longer invited and she won’t be receiving any details/pictures from our day. She definitely won’t be involved in any aspect and we’ll keep it to ourselves - I hope she realises she’s acting pathetic because funnily enough, my wedding isn’t about anyone’s divorce - it’s about my DP and Me.”

Any advice? (Don’t worry, she’s been scrapped off the wedding list).

So had dps dad cheated on dps mum recently and it's not resolved?

My advice would be let it go. Why would you want people at the wedding who are prone to 'drama'. Focus on the people who are coming and be greatful for them. Everything else is just background noise.

I feel sorry for your DP. We have a similar situation and it's a PITA.

You made the right call here.

Given the people and relationships involved - what do you want your wedding to be like?

You can’t control other people’s behaviour and honestly your aunt has done a favour by opting out of the wedding if she’s unable to keep drama out of it.

Nope, he ended the relationship and then has started seeing her cousin. It’s grim, I know. Apparently they used to date many, many years ago. Not that it makes it any better.

Oh, we definitely don’t want her there now. It’s more so how his family just keeps crumbling in front of him and I can’t help the situation.

I mean, it sounds like you’re sort of adding to the drama with your “fine, be like that then, you’re not invited anyway” attitude. You could have just shrugged it off, expressed your disappointment and moved on, kept your opinion is the aunt to yourself.

I get you’re upset for your DP, but be careful not to make this about you or to throw oil on the fire.

Also it’s kind of odd your DO has no friends at all. Is this just circumstance (eg moving around a lot)?

If MIL is getting “nastier and nastier” then I wouldn’t necessarily take her word for anything if I’m honest, have you or your DP actually spoken to his aunt directly?

A similar thing happened in my family; my aunt was going through a nasty divorce and made up a lot of shit to my cousin saying my mum (who is my cousin’s favourite aunt) wouldn’t be attending her wedding if my uncle was there which was a load of rubbish, she was just trying to pressure her into not inviting him by making it sound like other family members wouldn’t be attending if he was there.

He works from home as a freelancer, who deals mainly with international people so his colleagues aren’t around, locally. He dropped out of college and he’s quite socially awkward so has just kept to himself, really. He doesn’t drink or go out or do the usual things where you would expect friendships can happen.

I didn’t quite word it like that, I just made it clear she wasn’t going to be involved in any aspect, to which my DP vocally agreed. The communication level with this relative used to be much more until MIL and her fell out a couple of years ago. (They’ve only rekindled since the divorce).

it is hard to take her word for it, I must admit. However, we just presume that Aunt is on MILs side through the divorce and doesn’t have anything positive to do/say/feel with DPs Father. We respect that they may not get on but the aunt tends to make a lot of things about herself so it’s unsure whether it’s a ploy for us to bring it up and make her feel good etc. If that makes sense?

Yes agree this could well be MIL creating drama to rally people to “be on her side” in the hope of showing FIL a point. I think you should invite or at least ask the Auntie if she would like to come. What if MIL is putting words in her mouth?

Elope.

I’m so sorry.
My parents threw my sister a huge wedding - think something like 250 people invited, an open a bar and sit down dinner.
To say many of my BIL’s friends were uncouth- would be an understatement - they drank far too much and got into a huge brawl.
I was young, but I was old enough to see that my father breaking up a fight while dressed in his tux was embarrassing.

What matters is you and your fiancé - congratulations on your betrothal. ❤️
You’re the only two people in the world who matter in this convoluted story.

Just ask them all and request an RSVP, you don't need to know why this one or that one doesn't want to come, they just say yes or no and you plan the wedding accordingly.

The aunt and your MIL sound like the type of people who thrive on this sort of dramatic shite so I would just not react and say, “oh right, that’s nice. Awful weather we’re having” etc. Dont get involved in the drama and give them what they want. Enjoy your day with the people you love and who care about you and leave them to it

I couldn’t be bothered with the drama I would just go and have the day you and your df want without them . And not have anyone there . Take a couple of your relatives to Gretna Green and celebrate with people who actually want to be there .

Firstly, you need to know that “Sarah” really did say that.