After advice please on how to stop my ds growing up to be a dick!

[greysinn]

My son is 16, just left school and waiting to start A levels at college. I think he has undiagnosed ADHD and/or ASD - but low level, and it hasn't been deemed necessary (by school and us) to get a diagnosis.

Outwardly he is a lovely boy - helpful and friendly. But he has character traits that increasingly concern me. I was hoping he'd grow out of them - still am - but I am beginning to be worried that maybe he won't, and he will grow up to be a dick!

Yesterday we went on a day out. On the train, he was gong to leave his empty drink container on the table. I told him to take it and put it in the bin. He said it was someone's job to clear up, so they could do it. I told him to grow up and be better. Later he put his feet on the opposite seat on tube. I again told him to take his feet off. Then he was really vocal when we were in a queue to get through the barriers after getting off the train. It's honestly exhausting and like being out with a 6 year old at these times. I asked him if he'd act like that if he was with his girlfriend or dad (he said he wouldn't, and I am not sure he would), but it's how he acts with me and maybe on his own?

Is this regular 16 year old behaviour or should I be more worried? Thanks for any advice.

It sounds like normal teenager behaviour to me. I have to pick at mine for similar silly reasons.

Thanks so much @16plusDC . I think I am a bit hyper-focussed on whether things are ASD/ADHD (and feel guilty about getting a diagnosis, but really not sure if he needs it) or just "normal" teenager behaviour. He is immature, so I am hopeful he will grow out of it.

Sounds like normal annoying 16 year old behaviour to me. I've got 5 grown up sons and have definitely told them to stop being a dick on occasions when they were teenagers! They are all lovely men now 😊

OP - in the nicest possible way: if THAT'S what you're worried about then you have nothing to fear.

Most teenagers are dicks aren't they? 😂

Honestly, sounds like normal teenage bullshit to me. Nothing to worry about but keep reigning him in when he does something 'dickish' hopefully he will eventually stop.

All you can do is tell him how not to be a dick, like taking his rubbish with him to dispose of it. If you haven’t already done so then make him responsible for one meal a week and teach him how to do laundry too.

He sounds like a very normal self centred teenager to me.

He sounds like a normal teenager to me.

I gave a 17 year old with 2 brothers with adhd and asd. I say this because he’s probably on the spectrum a bit himself but goes under the radar. After being the most benign child he pushed back a bit during his first year at college in pretty similar ways. A firm correction and it pretty much passed. If he’s not been a dick up until now, he’s just testing boundaries and will soon come good again. If he’s been a dick for the last few years but isn’t improving or getting worse, you’ve probably got bigger problems!

I think well done you for noticing these things and speaking to him about them.

So many children do much worse and parents don't say a thing and then can't understand or don't really care that they have raised rude and ignorant young people.

Hopefully he grows out of it but if not at least you tried.

Completely normal 16 year old arsehole behaviour.

Haha, thanks all. I was so worried I’d be judged!

A man smiled while I was telling him to pick up his rubbish as I hadn’t raised him that way. I definitely won’t put up with it - he knows better, it’s just I feel like I’m picking at him and maybe escalating the issue. My husband has just told me he does it to get a reaction. I will keep reacting (teaching him to be a decent human!) but hopefully he’ll grow out of it then.

Solidarity to those of you going through it (and worse!)

I’m sure he will grow out of it , my son would do some dickish things as a teenager and sometimes he would do them deliberately to provoke a reaction. Just keep reminding him what is acceptable he’s not going to want to be told off by his mum in public

@TheOliveFinch He was mortified coming out of the station as there were 3 similar aged girls at the bus stop giggling. Fingers crossed

Normal teenage boys I’m afraid.
I remember once ds throwing rubbish out of a car window I stopped the car and made him get out and go and pick it up.
he never did it again !

Does he have a job? It sounds like he needs one.

I work with young people. They are bright, well motivated, generally lovely. They are also idiots. I regularly have to tell them to do things that are blindingly obvious, it’s just how they are.

This resonates with me. I don’t think it’s the behaviour as such but more that he admits he wouldn’t do it with his girlfriend or Dad. My son did similar with me and I must say he has very little respect for me, I wish I had put my foot down earlier. I think you are doing the right thing by pulling him up on it and you shouldn’t feel guilty about any ADHD diagnosis etc, it’s not only a parents job to notice these things, if school didn’t refer then it wasn’t clear and obvious and you shouldn’t feel bad.