Confessing feelings to a friend

[Beautifulbouquet]

I told my friend of three years I had feelings for him.

I hadn't planned to but he made a joke about us online that hurt and I felt I needed to let him know.

He replied a bit ambivalently, saying he'd wondered about his feelings for me and he was probably making a stupid decision but wanted to keep it as friends.

I replied thanking him for his honesty but saying I was taking him off my socials and couldn't keep on chatting the way we had, not least because if either of us did start dating, it wasn't appropriate. I said he'd been a decent friend and I'd miss his support but I needed some space.

He accepted this saying he completely understood and apologised he'd got things wrong.

Was this reasonable of me?

Is there a way back to friendship?

It was long texting sessions of over an hour and increasingly personal topics over the last couple of months that I felt made things difficult. Couple of phonecalls of two hours plus.

We've been friends without any issues for three years, though it has often crossed my mind, as we do get on famously and we're both single.

I feel I should have just ridden my feelings out.

At the same time, I didn't want to be posting things, hoping he'd like them etc

I think you did the right thing getting the topic out of the way for better or worse.
How does one ride their feelings out?
You braced yourself and brought it into the open. Didn't go the way you hoped but at least you're not left pondering the what-ifs.

Your friendship depends on whether either of you can get past it, which is unknowable. Are you in love with him?

Thanks. I think you're right.

I wouldn't say I'm in love with him.

At the same time we both have observed so many shared views and experiences. There's a connection with him I've not felt with anyone. He understands me better than anyone.

The conversation was tense and both of us handled it ok but not brilliantly.

I don't think my feelings will pass because in three years I haven't found much I don't like about him.

My Mum is very ill at the moment, as is his, and that tipped the friendship into something closer and I think too close for me to say this was just another friend.

I can't really see a way back or how I'd initiate it, if the time ever was right, which it isn't now as I'm still very much wanting to get closer to him.

Don't think you did anything wrong. Think you were honest and vulnerable. I think maybe after a bit of time you might be able to rekindle the friendship but I would worry old feelings would be triggered.

How did you leave it with him - did you say after you had some space you might want to re-establish the friendship? Do you think he is sad to lose the friendship?

Personally I think that romantic/sexual attraction from one or both parties is totally incompatible with friendship. The person who is hoping for something more has different motivations to the person who isn't, and no matter how much they try and convince themselves and other people that the friendship comes first, they are looking at it through a different lens, and if and when the romantic feels die away, their feelings about the "friendship" change as well.

I've seen it time and time again. So-called friendships die a death when the person who wanted more starts a relationship with someone else.

He doesn't seem that sad.

I didn't say it was forever but I've left myself in a place hard to come back from and I feel embarrassed now.

Maybe if I was seeing someone else, then it would be possible.

I think him not seeming bothered by the lost friendship is probably saddening me as much as anything. As if he were only ever tolerating me.

Plus that knowledge of undeniable shared sense of humour, outlook, values...makes me feel I'm just wrong somehow.