Do you ever worry your dc have it too good?

[Upsideyourhead]

Inspired by another thread. Do you ever worry your kids have it too good? The amount of things my kids have done and seen this summer (let alone their enitre lives!) is so much more than I ever had. But I'm not at all resentful about it, the opposite in fact: I loved the unpressured time I had to play alone or with friends who lived close-by. Particularly, I also loved discovering the world for myself, and even discovering hobbies (I never skied until I was 18, but I've gone almost every year since). I guess I worry that they won't have that same revelation I had, of what an incredible world it is with so much to see and do! (That was when I was 18, I'm much more of a homebody now I'm in my 40s. 😅) Perhaps it won't seem like this exciting place to them, when they become an adult, as they've already seen so much of it. And that they won't be motivated to work hard to have incredible experiences, because... well, they've already had them for free.

I'm also curious about how parents of young adults feel (young enough that they were raised in this child-centric era): Do you think all these extra holidays and activities have paid off? Did your dc benefit in the long run, or are parents doing all of this purely because other parents are?

I hope it makes a difference, but more and more I'm less sure...

My kids also had it very good but circumstances beyond our control happened and life hit them hard one day. It's never been the same since. Let them enjoy it.

Firstly, I don't think they do have it that good. They're facing a much more uncertain future, far more educational pressure, reduced support services and a very toxic online world.

A lot of kids are genuinely struggling with poverty, bullying, caring responsibilities, aggression, abuse and health concerns.

Your job is to (subtly, not in an overwhelming way) make them aware that your family is fortunate if they have lots of experiences and leisure time. It's ok to to have a good life so long as you don't lose your understanding and compassion about the real world.

I think about this a lot OP.

However, I think there is so much to see and do that they may just discover a different version world at 18, like you did. There’s no way to have given them experience of it all by that age.

yes 100 %

eldest son has more than I ever did

No, I never think like that. My children have had very privileged life and I wish everyone could experience that. They’re teens/young adults now, are aware that they’re very fortunate and their upbringing has given them a good awareness of the world, made them want to do well and to continue to have a happy adult life. There is always something new to do. My adult child has been on a few holidays with friends now which brings a different dynamic too, even if doing things he’s done with us before.

We have never done things because other people do, we’ve chosen things that we would enjoy and benefit us in some way as a family.

I’m delighted DS didn’t grow up like DH and I did, in grinding poverty, under pressure to leave school early, and recognising that education was the only way out.

We not rich (every month is a struggle) but we live surrounded by nature so dc has a freedom that other kids don’t have. She also has two parents who love her and play with her, a fab small village school with ace friends; an innocent and wholesome childhood.

She doesn’t want for anything (apart from her own horse!! Not happening!!)

I think she’s lucky but in an old fashioned way. She also won’t realise it until she goes out into the world. It’s just normal for her.

Discovering the world for themselves is a completely different experience to going on family holidays - even to far away places - so they'll still have the joy of discovery and adventure. The world is big and exciting enough that you won't have spoiled the surprise.

I actually think that having experienced some things in childhood means that they can jump straight to having even more fun as young adults.

If they've never skied, then their first few ski holidays with friends in their 20s will be spent going down green slopes in ski school. Which is definitely fun - but perhaps less fun than a day playing off-piste with friends when you are young and strong enough not to have to worry about injuries.

They'll only be able to join an orchestra in their 20s if they have learned an orchestral instrument at school - which opens up the fun of doing concerts in different places.

If they've enjoyed 'play in a week' summer camps, they're more likely to join an amateur dramatics group.

Of course it's never too late to learn anything - but as a general rule you get more lifetime pleasure from something the earlier you've learned it.

Great points here, and I agree, particularly about starting sports and instruments early (I could never have been a pro skier!).

Also, a good point, @Creu: my kids are still quite young so the world they go into at 18 will be very different from the one I entered (hopefully just as exciting).

I also sometimes think that the holidays and experiences they have (regardless of how much of an effort they are or how expensive) probably don't matter that much, compared to the more basic things, including things like unsupervised play. I often wonder how they will think of their childhood?! They might focus on something that's not even on my (or society's) radar currently, and think they grew up disadvantaged or unsupported in some way... Thinking of a friend who has been recently diagnosed with ADHD and is very unforgiving of her parents for not supporting her more as a child. I feel like having kids has made me a lot more forgiving and understanding of my parents!

I would say my DD13 has had a certain amount of privilege growing up but not particularly more than some of the people around me. We had a week abroad in Europe this year but we have done bigger trips in the past. (and a few UK breaks. )I was talking to a lady today who has been on a couple of foreign holidays this summer and is planning a big trip to Japan with her family. They’ve already done Vietnam and Borneo. Her children are in private school and they’re defintely not slumming it when they go abroad. Another friend has a daughter who is in X number of clubs and activities and was quite disdainful that my DD has never skied. She’s also in private school as it happens. Both parents work in “ money making “ types of professions where myself and DH are both public sector. So I hear these conversations and I’m slightly minded to ensure that my DD gets a bit of taste of how the other half lives. I might see if we can do some volunteering at a food bank or something. If my child ever made a snotty comment about skiing I’d consider I’d failed as a parent.

I think there’s a balance. My kids have a lovely life and everything they want / need but they also see us exhausted and stressed by work sometimes to pay for it. They understand that our family is fortunate but that we work hard for everything we have and if they want to succeed in life then they also have to pass their exams and build careers etc and that should be their main focus through these years.

I've considered some volunteering too, but I'm not sure it would be very helpful. DD already has plenty of compassion, and is as horrified at the idea of people not having enough as any normal, pro-social child is. I mean, that's why most students are so left wing.

But (like most students) she doesn't understand the complexity around homelessness and poverty. But it certainly isn’t dishing out food to people which will help her to understand that. I'm not sure she's yet equipped to understand: that will take a lot more background understanding of people, society, politics and economics. Plenty of in-depth discussions will set her up to find her own - more complex - understanding as she gets older.

That's a pretty judgey post about private schools, snotty comments and failing as a parent @divebar2021 . Kids see plenty of different circumstances, regardless of school. Focus on not passing on your own judgemental biases.

It can all change in a second - literally - one of my closest friends in her 40s here one day gone the next….the children will know your values.

I think in some ways my children have a better childhood than me but in other ways a much worse. Its better because we live somewhere that's better for children (safe for them to go out alone from a young age, better schools, nature all around), they don't get physical punishment (was socially acceptable when I was a child and my parents did smack, but now its not only socially unacceptable, its illegal in my country) and there's only two of them so they get more one on one time than me and my brothers were able to get (though tbf we did get a fair bit, my parents were very good for that).

But its also worse because of the internet and social media, and the years of actual play seem to be much shorter these days. I was so happy the other day when my teenager told me what she had done after school with her friends - spent several hours swinging on a rope swing while talking and laughing. Proper childhood stuff that I did regularly growing up even as a teen but seems so rare these days past about 11 or 12.

Agreed: DD sees how much we put into work and how much it takes from us in return for the money we get. She's made comments which make clear that she perfectly understands the link between that and the fun things we can do as a family, and doesn't take much for granted.

She's seen a whole variety of different lives - across many different income levels - including different families with parents working a combination of full-time, part-time and SAH; families who have stayed close to extended families vs those far away; the childhood pain of parents being away working overseas; very different types of jobs which demand more or less from a person and are more or less satisfying, as well as the pay and lifestyle consequences.

I honestly don't know what type of path she'll choose for herself. The occasional comment has revealed that she's already put thought into the trade-offs. I don't actually have an opinion on what would be best for her. I think life is full of choices and trade-offs, and my job is just to equip her as well as I can and support her in her choices.

No.

We only have one life, there are no medals for not having a nice life. Let’s enjoy it when we can as shit will always come our way.

Plus the kids of today are facing a shittier future than us I think. I will be pleased to hopefully help my kids fancially when they are older because I gave birth to them knowing young adults cannot currently afford to move out. You can give your kids a decent life while also teaching values and hard work.

But (like most students) she doesn't understand the complexity around homelessness and poverty. But it certainly isn’t dishing out food to people which will help her to understand that. I'm not sure she's yet equipped to understand: that will take a lot more background understanding of people, society, politics and economics. Plenty of in-depth discussions will set her up to find her own - more complex - understanding as she gets older.

I don’t think that kind of volunteering is about developing an understanding of policy, or economics, it’s about seeing some of the most vulnerable as people in their own right.

So much of the rhetoric around homelessness (or immigration, or poverty) is utterly dehumanising - I want my children to see people behind that rhetoric. People who have dreams and aspirations, people for whom life has been very hard, people who need the support and protection of people with privilege.

In terms of opportunities and attention, my kids have a vastly better childhood than I did. My parents were fine, but their role didn’t extend much beyond making sure we were fed, clothed and educated. Pastorally, or emotionally, they fell short.

They also had the benefit of growing up really close to grandparents and having very strong relationships there. Mine were either already dead or living abroad.

But in my circle of friends, I’d say at least 80% of these now young adult children have some sort of mental health concern - ADHD, anxiety, eating disorders, depression. Where have parents gone wrong? These young people seem to have little to no resilience, and many of them are completely self obsessed.

Yes. The happiest teenagers / kids / younger people I know are all those who had less. The ones who are constantly given great experiences don’t seem to handle the normality as well.

Obviously just my own observations rather than real data but something I do believe in.

I’ve been a bit uncomfortable with the amount of days out I’ve done over the holidays so the past few days have been all about baking, crafts, visits to the library etc. Still lovely things to do, but lower key.

Yes and no - my DC have a different childhood than I had but one I hope that is as equally rich in experiences as I had, but very different, and the world (and country I now reside in) is different.

(The comments about private school and parenting are a bit 🤔)

We do discuss with our DC how privileged they are with the experiences they have - and that includes their summer hols of camping in a field in the UK! And yes, they are at private school so we discuss the trade offs which include having holidays that are camping in a field but then 2 nights out watching 'off West End' shows (couldn't afford 1 night of a 'on West End'!)

I think my children have good lives, certainly a lot better than I did as a child and many, many more experiences. They have holidays, hobbies, toys specific to their interests and a choice in many aspects of their lives - food, clothing, shoes, bedroom decor etc. I don't feel resentful and I hope it encourages them to work hard for what things they want and need from life as they get older. In many ways I feel the things I have provided for my children have healed the parts of me who went without. I love seeing my children happy - they are not spoiled, just happy children.

I'm pretty uncomfortable with using other people as a 'lesson'. And I don't think it's necessary. Like I said, I think children are wired for compassion, and wired to relate to people as individuals. Seeing that behaviour modelled around them - and particularly experiencing compassion and acceptance from their adults towards themselves - is what develops and sustains those traits into adulthood. Not sight-seeing poverty.

My comment about the complexity of people, society, politics and economics is that this is the bit that doesn’t happen automatically through normal parenting and needs active development. I mean, discussing these things with your kids is also normal parenting, but perhaps less automatic than behaving like a decent human around and to them.

Sometimes I do worry that my children will lack resilience and not understanding the value of anything having grown up quite privileged. They go on lots of days out, holidays etc and want for nothing. They are still very young but I am trying to slowly prepare them for the real world by getting them to do small chores. I think they might get a shock about the fact that they may never afford to own their own home in our very expensive city without getting high paying jobs and/ or inheritance. I am teaching them that they are very fortunate and there are people who aren’t as privileged.

When they are old enough I hope to be able to make them understand just how expensive life is now and help them to make choices that will enable them to have the quality of life they want.

I know a girl who was given everything from her parents. They bought her a car, paid her insurance, paid for holidays for her while she worked part time in a minimum wage job. She realised at 30 that she would never be able to buy a house unless she got a better job. She told me “I just thought eventually grown up life with a house etc just happens to everyone.” She was never taught to support herself by her parents. It stuck with me and I think it’s important to teach your children how to look after themselves long term, financially etc

I am a bit concerned that they won't enjoy things like I do - as I have stayed in random hostels and shithole hotels, I really enjoy the luxury options I can now afford. But my DC are used to that standard.
I have a friend who is very well off, but only takes holidays in 3-star modest hotels, saying she doesn't want to spoil the kids. I can understand the thinking, but I would not do the same. First, it's my holiday too! But second, that's why I work, so I can give my DC the best life I can.

My kids ( 20 and 17) value good heath over everything. I have cancer and their dad has Parkinson’s. When they were young, they had a happy and fulfilling childhood. We went abroad most years and manage long weekends away inbetween. They had friends to play and much fun. Now DS is working hard at a job and DDi is at uni and also working. They know it is important to work hard to achieve in life. They are not having it so good, with two ill parents. I feel sad for them being so young. The good thing is, both DC are still living their lives regardless, which make me so happy.