Trying to find my power as a woman (not a girl).

[Comeinupto40]

I’ll be 40 soon.
It’s forced me to confront the fact that I am a full-grown middle-aged woman. I suppose I am a bit immature. I don’t wear pigtails or anything like that, but I have no children, I’m long term single, and I love my life, but my identity and lifestyle hasn’t changed much since I was 25 and I feel (and probably act) much as I did 15 years ago.

Although fiercely independent in some ways, I also lack the calm self-assured confidence that I so admire in who I think of as ‘older’ female role models (who I realise I will be the same age as, soon enough). Instead, I worry about how I come across, bit of a people pleaser, get stressed rather too easily, I’m messy, bit over emotional at times, you get the gist.

I also am not sure how to dress any more, I used to go for ‘frills and lace’ and look and feel pretty, but for a few years now I’ve outgrown this style and so have been defaulting to supermarket jeans and t shirts, since Covid really. Nothing wrong with them, but just functional - nothing that I wear makes me feel ‘This is me’ and ‘I look good today’ any more, which is sad. I just don’t know what else to wear, I still like the lacey stuff, but it does me no favours, so I leave it.
Same issue with my hair, I used to wear headbands and have half up in a plait, but it looks immature on me now - so it’s just loose or tied up now, being boring.

I think the problem if that if you asked me when I’m half asleep how old I am, I’d probably say 25 or thereabouts. My identity hasn’t caught up with my age.

Any thoughts or advice about how to really embrace myself and find my power and sense of self as a mature, fully adult woman?

Please be kind.

A lot of this is about the language you use about yourself. Read back your post...there's immature, lack, stressed, emotional. I would start by listening to podcasts from women in mid life and other podcasts about self developmenty type stuff. How you think, what you focus on mentally, is everything as you get older.

Fashion wise - embrace the fun! I had my colours done professionally when I turned 40 which changed everything for me. I can dress pretty simply but use colour to make myself standout as it were. There's lots of stylists that help cater for mid life women (Melissa Murrell springs to mind) so you could look at them for inspiration.

My other tip for anyone at this age is to start lifting weights - muscle mass gets lost every year as we age and being and feeling strong is where its at.

Being older doesn't mean you have to change your personality to what you think older people should behave like. I also think you should wear what you like, and not think that you are somehow too old for things. But if you actually don't like what you look like in what you used to wear, then it sounds like you could experiment a bit with different looks/styles to see what you now prefer. Vinted/eBay is great for cheap items to try out a new look.

If you don't want to be a people-pleaser, or be stressed when you don't need to be, those are separate issues and can be worked on via various methods. Self help books, counselling, therapy, CBT, all sorts of things you could try.

Thank you both, plenty for me to think about there x

Lifting weights is brilliant advice, I started at 50 & wish I’d done it sooner.

I’m childfree & long term single too, & more or less had to rebuild myself when I came out of a pretty awful 10 year relationship. If you’re not sure what you like, try different things - both clothes and activities - and see what really clicks. One of the best things about being single is the freedom to experiment & work out what your tastes really are.

As for your hair, maybe go to a new hairdresser, take some photos along of styles you like & have a consultation?

Upload a photo of yourself to ChatGPT and ask it to do your colours. You can also ask it how to dress for your body shape (e.g. What clothes look good on an hour glass shape?). Then you can ask it to put together a capsule wardrobe with your preferred aesthetic (e.g. can you put together Dark Academia/goth/rock outfits that might suit me?)