Why does my mum not like me?

[YellowBlueStar]

My mum was very controlling when I was growing up (she was a single parent since I was about ten). She told me what to wear, what career I should go into, who should be my friends etc. She used to shut me in my bedroom every evening to do my homework (even if I didn't have any to do). When I had my ears pierced at 18, she told me I was a slut. She never said anything nice to me. If I did well in an exam or any other achievement, it was never really acknowledged. My photo was in the local paper once when our school had an event and she threw the paper away.

My younger brother, on the other hand, was never made to do any homework, he could go out when he liked, have friends round. No comment was made when he dyed his hair red and started wearing eyeliner in his teens. His achievements were always celebrated and the mantelpiece was full of his sporting trophies.

Even now, he is the golden child and she says what a good son he is. She spoils him and his family with regular gifts and then tells me she can't afford to give much to me or my dh on birthdays/Christmas.

I feel that I have tried so hard to be a good daughter - worked hard at school, did well in my career etc - but she will never like me or acknowledge anything I do.

Don't really know why I am posting this but it makes me sad and I just don't know why she treats us so very differently.

Was she treated in a vastly different way to her siblings, OP? I am by no means justifying her behaviour (I had one parent who had a golden child and me, the unwanted female), but sometimes it helps to make a bit of sense, even though it's hurtful. It does, however, make you wonder: if you were treated like this, and it made you feel bad, why would you inflict it on your own children?

I came to the conclusion that I'm not good enough for some people- I never will be- but I can be good enough for myself, and that's the most important thing. It has boosted my confidence, anyway.

I think it might be worth putting a bit of distance between you and your Mum. She has treated you badly and continues to do so. I hope you can find some peace for yourself and know that you are worth more.

I suspect you are perceived as a rival and your brother is the miracle male whose total love and dependence on your mother when little was intoxicating.

I’m so sorry for you @YellowBlueStar . Please understand that this has nothing to do with you being unlovable, in fact the “better” you are the more irritating she will find it as her son is supposed to be the best.

You sound lovely despite it all. Stop trying and invest in other people instead.

Because she is an abusive, narcissistic a-hole who probably projects any trauma she faced as a daughter herself onto you. It has nothing to do with you - you can’t change somebody like that. You were a child.

She may well be jealous. Have you asked her why she is like this? It’s really sad because I went through something similar. Then in Covid I helped my Dad nurse her at home, when she was dying. She told me she was so so sorry that she had been an awful Mother and that I was an angel, who she had never appreciated. My brothers only visited and she finally realised the truth. The whole situation was very sad.

Sounds like internalised misogyny. You'll never be good enough because you're female. Your brother, OTOH, can do no wrong because he's male. Some people still hold this backwards view, unfortunately.

Can you get therapy/go low or no contact?

Try looking up narcissistic mothers on things like YouTube and see if any of it applies. I found it matched my dm's behaviour and it helped me understand why she is like that. Eg never celebrates your successes, never happy for you, over critical, cruel at times, disinterested. There's quite a bit about the golden dc too which explains it. Largely I realised it wasn't to do with me, she was like this before I was born and I think you may come to that realisation if you research it.

Because there's something very, very wrong with your mother's psyche. And it is not your fault. Never was. Never will be.

Your mother does not deserve to have you in her life. I would echo looking up daughter/child of narcissistic mother.

If you can afford psychotherapy, I would really recommend it.

Do you have any aunties or other relatives/ family friends who were around when you were a child? They might be able to give you some insights.

I agree with @feistyfrankie that it does sound like internal misogyny is at play here. Also, sometimes people can use a scapegoat child to distance themselves from parts of themselves that are broken or hated E.g. something about 'slutty' triggers her, so she puts it on you instead, even when your behaviour doesn't objectively justify it. (Not that that word is justified at any time, but you didn't have an orgy, you had your ears pierced).

None of this would excuse her behaviour - but I think it can be freeing to understand that "she is broken in x way so it makes sense she would do y" rather than "she did it because I'm not lovable".

I moved away when I started working and see her about three times a year. My brother still lives near her but doesn't see her much but she always makes excuses for him 'he's got such a busy life' 'he works so hard'. She once told me that I don't know what hard work is - I had a good job and it was very demanding but I will never compare to my brother.

I have often wondered this. I only see her about two or three times a year which is more than enough for me.

Does she like anyone except Goldenboy? My mother doesn’t like me, but aside from my brother she doesn’t really like anyone else either. She doesn’t have friends or pets or hobbies or interests. She doesn’t even have a favourite supermarket. She’s missing something in her mind/personality, not my problem to work out what.

Because she hates herself and possibly all women.
Maybe you look like your Father and she is bitter about him.

It will be nothing to do with your worth though.

Have you ever turned around and given as good as you’ve got. Either with icy fury or pure rage. She will probably start to get into line when you start giving serious push back.

Thank you for your responses. I think I do know, deep down, that I am a good person. It's just hard to accept that I have done everything she has ever asked of me but it has never been enough. I have realised too that nothing I do will be good enough for her. I used to try so hard to please her to gain her approval. I do stand up to her now and call her out when she is being negative/critical. I wish I had been brave enough to do that when I was younger. I have had counselling in the past and it did help to talk about it but I still find it hard hearing her sing my brother's praises but she never says anything good about me.

She was very bitter when my dad left. I remember her sitting and laughing while she cut my dad out of every family photo.
I have started standing up to her now and challenging her when she is negative/critical. I wish I had done it sooner.