Am I being lax about my 13 yo's social plans?

[Viot]

How involved are you in your 13 yr old's social plans?

Dd is arranging to see her friend on Saturday. Fine. I know this friend and her parents well. Dd is capable and I trust her to make sensible plans and run them past me.

I've now had 2 sms from friend's mum arranging the 'playdate'. Who is going to get them to where, what time etc

My feeling is that the girls should be making these plans. Am I wrong?

You are right, the other mums need to loosen the apron strings.

Definitely for the friends at this age. I’m guessing the friend is either an only child, the eldest child or the only girl? Her mum needs to cut the apron strings and let the girls sort it themselves.

It's a bit of both at that age, especially if they aren't local and won't be using public transport i.e. need lifts there and back.

Well you needto know the plans.
But you don't need to make them. That's their job.

(And did the other moum really say playdate? Poor child)

DS is a 13 year old only child, and he has organised his own social life for years! He’d be (understandably)outraged if a parent used the term ‘playdate’ about him going to the cinema and for food afterwards, or pitch and putt or bowling or whatever.

It depends if they need lifts to wherever they are going I suppose. If so, I don't see the problem in the other mum messaging you to work that part of it out.

Goodness my DD 13 has been making all these plans herself for nearly 2 years.

Nah, you're being totally normal, don't worry!

Ask your dd how they plan to get there.

If she says bus then let parent know the girls have arranged it.

If she announces she was expecting a lift discuss with dd what you are prepared to do and then let other parent know.

Yes, use of the word play date is infantilising. But I’d also wonder if the other girl has asked her mum about lifts etc and mum is trying to share that load.

My daughter makes her plans and has done since 12 when she started high school, however, she does even at 15 still confirm them with me as we are no where near local transport and she stays ina different area to school friends as it’s not her catchment school so i drop her everywhere. I’m not having her get ubers and we’re working up to i now drop her at the bus stop and she meets then at the shops or whatever. At her age i was much more independent but my parents didn’t drive so i had always been on trains & buses & we were 5mins on either to the town centre and 5 mis from bus and train stations so completely different.

my daughters friends are responsible for getting themselves there (most go on the bus some walk depending where it is and some get lifts) but other than drop off and pick up times i’m not involved but she’s always told me who is going etc.

My 13 yo DS makes his own plans but if they’re further afield than the local town, he tells me and I help with transport arrangements. Where we live the buses aren’t great so parents often give lifts. If he wanted to go to the cinema for example in a town 20 minutes away, I would probably contact the other parent and ask if their child wanted a lift or if they wanted to share lifts.

You’re right. The other mum is not.

Mine makes her own plans, but she's my 5th at that age.

Her best friend's mum still gets a bit more involved than I do as she's their eldest, but she's mostly hands off.

Another friend's mum always double checks arrangements because they've had some lies in the house

I’m in this camp

I wasn’t saying every only child is treated this way, but in my experience the ones that are have always fallen into one of those 3 categories.

It would depend on where they were going and how far away it is. Also some 13 yos will be more mature than others.

Well it totally depends on where they are going and how they can get there doesn’t it? Sometimes parents will need to be involved for lifts etc…

DD is 13 (going into Y9) and sorts herself out. I obviously know where she's going, who with and what time I expect her home. I'd help with lifts if needed but as we're in London, it's relatively easy for her to get herself about. She's got on a bus going in the wrong direction a couple of times, but working that stuff out for herself is part of growing up!

Maybe the other child is a total airhead and her mother is always having to check arrangements etc. You see lots of posts on MN from posters whose children can hardly walk out the door without forgetting something, phone not charged, no money etc..

I leave it to my 13yo as much as possible, I just ask him to tell me where he’s going and who with. There’s no public transport here so if he wants to go anywhere beyond walking distance he has to involve me for lifts. (I do try to get him to cycle, he has a bike, but he’s just not keen).

He has a couple of friends who don’t have phones, and their parents are much more involved in organising for them because they can’t do it themselves - and they often get left out of stuff unless it occurs to one of the gang to ask a parent to message their parents.

Admittedly I do like to use the term ‘play date’, just to wind up ds 😆

We live on a bus route that both girls are very familiar with and would use to meet each other and head to the mall or whatever else they fancied doing.

Obviously parents still involved in lifts etc if they're going further afield, but that's not the case here.

Thank you for the reassurance. My reason for posting was that dd is the youngest in our family and I think sometimes she gets lumped with her older siblings and is given a little more freedom and independance than some of her peers. I wanted to check that I wasn't off base here. And yes, friend is the eldest with two very much younger brothers so I suppose the other mum is navigating this for the first time.

The whole thing has now been organised by the other mum who is giving lifts and planning to do her shopping while the girls are at the mall so she's nearby and keeping an eye. Other mum is well intentioned.

I think I need to find a gentle way of saying that we really need to leave it to the girls next time. Apart from anything else, I don't want 8 SMS over the course of an evening about my 13 yr old going out for bubble tea on a Saturday.

The last time I went with my daughter to see her friends she was ten and she said very firmly that I was not allowed to any more.
I am tempted to set up days out for her to invite friends to because they all just message instead of actually meeting up, maybe they’re doing that?

DD is 11 and makes her own plan with me as taxi service as long as she asks me in plenty of time and makes sure I have the info needed to facilitate. I’m not contacting parents to make plans anymore as the kids are capable of arranging it between themselves and asking permission from their parents.