Perfect job for starting a family, but I’m restless

[elsamayy]

I’m 37 and in a director-level role at a big corporation. The pay is great, the setup is hybrid and very flexible, and over the years I’ve built up a solid reputation, which means that I don't have to constantly prove myself and my manager loves me. My partner and I want to start trying for a baby next year.

The issue is, I’m bored at work. I’ve been here a while and feel like I’ve hit a ceiling: there’s no real growth or challenge left. At the same time, I know how rare it is to have a job that’s this stable, well-paid, and family-friendly.

Objectively, it’s the perfect setup for pregnancy and early parenthood; they'd probably let me go part-time and allow for plenty of flexibility for pickups and emergencies. However, I feel restless already, and part of me worries I’ll feel even more stuck in a few years. But then again, I guess starting a family will absorb my focus for a while, so I won't care so much that my job isn't the most exciting.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Did you stick it out for the stability during pregnancy and early years, or did you make a move first? How would you plan your next steps in my position?

At 37, why are you waiting to ttc? You know your fertility is declining, right?

We are waiting because we are not ready now. My doctor told me that a year won't make a difference, so we decided next year is the right time

I would (and did!) move in this position. You don’t know how long it will take to get pregnant and it can feel all consuming once you start trying if you don’t have something else to focus on. I started a new job and then got pregnant after three months and it’s worked out well.

I’m in a low stress, 9-5 job in a great, supportive team (professional support lawyer). I’m going back 3.5 days a week after a 15 month mat leave. I’ve never particularly enjoyed paid work, and I’ve stepped off the promotions gravy train. Works for me! I’m planning to retire as early as I possibly can 😂

Depends what you’re after in your career really - what other options are out there?

If it were me, I’d TTC now and stay in the job. I started TTC at 33 and immediately had 2 back to back miscarriages - we then took a long break from TTC while moving house and getting over that, so I ended up having baby at 35. Are you waiting for something like a house move to go through?

I think you'd be crazy to move - you'd be starting a new job and planning on going on maternity leave quickly, if things went faster than expected, you could end up with no maternity pay, or managed out on some pre-text.

Your new company could feel that it was a deliberate move, which would be true, and there would be resentment, which would hamper your career, or lead to you being managed out.

You've proved yourself in your current role, even if they wanted to let you go while pregnant, it would beva lot more difficult for them.

You have the perfect job to start trying for a baby right away - you need to ask yourself why you're postponing, which will make getting pregnant more difficult, and thinking of moving job, which would mean you could end up delaying TCC till you're established there.

Do you really want to have children, as it does read as if there's a bit of self-sabotage going on. It's perfectly OK not to want children by the way, but you need to discuss with your husband.

I definitely wouldn't move. Lots of companies don't allow access to contractual maternity leave for the first year. You'd start somewhere and then be looking to get pregnant v soon. I'd start ttc now, as it can take a while, that way you'll be on mat leave sooner, taking care of the boredom issue. Look for a new job once the baby is 1. You're in a brilliant position now to start ttc, and i wouldnt leave it!

Of course a year makes a difference. But, more to the point, you say 'family' which implies you want more than one child. So if you don't start until next year, best case scenario first child born when you are 39, 40, do you honestly think you're going to fit a second one in before it's too late? At 42, 43, 44..?

This sounds like the perfect job to do with a sleep deficit. Can you challenge yourself through some kind of training or learning in the meantime?
I would also assume that TTC could take a year or two and even if it doesn’t you have the best part of a year to be ready, whatever that means to you.

I also think you’d be crazy to move. You could move into a job you don’t like as much, feel the stress and pressure to prove yourself, need to be off work for maternity appointments and then they might not be flexible when you go back to work for child pick ups/ work from home etc. if you definitely want kids soon then I would absolutely stay put. Unless you really can’t ttc yet, then I would start now because it might not be as speedy as you would like to get pregnant

I think that staying where you are whist you have kids is the right call.

If you’re bored before you ttc I would try and find some sort of professional development or course or similar.

Ive worked in similar and always enjoyed them. But I found that once I had the kids my focus changed quite a lot, and that I devoted significantly less time and effort to work. I generally felt a bit burnt out, and as though I wanted to follow the path of least resistance.

The kids are 8 and 10 now and that has definitely swung back a bit, and I’m more work focused but I’ve never truly regained the enthusiasm which I had for it before.

Don't forget when you have baby you would have maternity which may give you the break you need to refresh work :)

There are ways to find interest and feel challenged in even the most mundane entry-level roles. I would expect someone at director level to be capable of doing that for themselves. Or do you actually mean you are craving your next adrenaline buzz rather than seeking real stimulation and challenge? Because that still comes down to your own mindset and is within your power.

You would be foolish to chuck away everything you have now, and that will set you up for all the challenges of the next several years of your life, because of a bit of temporary restlessness you could address.

There's no way you can find a new role that matches what you have now and establish yourself in it before you start TTC unless you delay the timeline. I am inclined to agree with pp that this reads like self-sabotage - either of your career/employment or of your family plans. Or potentially both.

No plans for a second! The idea is to be one and done. We don't want to try until next year because we can't move in together until then for logistical reasons.

We will move in together in Summer and ideally start trying then.

Also, I may be delusional, but I come from a family where women get pregnant really quickly at 40+ (mum, sisters, aunts), and my partner's family is the same. For example, my sister just had her second child at 42, her first at 40, and was pregnant in both cases on her first try.

I appreciate that we might end up being the exception to the rule, though.

Im surprised that a doctor advised that to be honest. At 37 and presumably having not been pregnant or ttc before, you have no idea how long it might take. My first DC took over a year to conceive at 34; no issues just one of those things. Then of course there’s the increased risk of being problems with pregnancy or baby the older that you get.

I was in a similar position with my first DC and decided to stay in the job I knew, it was definitely the right decision. I found pregnancy very hard with extreme fatigue and brand fog and was so grateful I wasn’t trying to find my feet in a new job and could relax a bit! Was nice not to worry about flexibility etc with my employer. I found going back to work after DC1 more challenging than I expected and I’m only just feeling back into it after 8 months, again I’m glad it’s a job I am comfortable in and I have needed flexibility from my employer around nursery etc.

You may find your priorities change after you have a baby, at least for a while, I was always very headstrong in my career but I’ve not been so interested with a young child. I’m also pregnant again and didn’t know if I wanted another!

It’s always possible to pick your career up in the future as you’re pretty young?

Can you move internally for new challenges, but maintain your formal and informal working conditions?

I’m in a senior technical grade in a large public organisation. From the birth of my eldest dc, to my youngest starting secondary school (12 years) I “cruised” in a more junior role. I am a big advocate for having periods where your job isn’t the most important, time consuming, energy sapping thing in your life. In the summer before my youngest’s final year at primary school I started looking for a new job (sucessfully). Although i was bored at times, I have no regrets about “pausing” my career to be more available for my family.

None of the women in my family had problems either, me on the other hand took 5 years and several rounds of IVF to have my child. However with regard to your original question I would stay put with the job, the flexibility you have will be invaluable.

As someone who is about to go back into a similar ‘safe’ role after maternity leave I think you’d be mad to move. All of the things you mention are hugely valuable - I have a team who know me, supportive managers, the ability to run my own diary and work flexibly and will be dropping a day. My plan is to spend a year getting my head back in the game and then start looking for something new.

Hi there, I am in a similar position, really really similar.
It took us longer to conceive (all other women in my family seem to be first month too!) as my husband had fairly extreme male factor infertility so we needed IVF. We had a miscarriage but the likelihood of us conceiving again was so low, once we discovered the MFI we got a free funded NHS cycle pretty much immediately.
My job is very similar (extremely well paid, low stress but limited professional) and I have a one year old. I have been allowed to go down to a 4 day week which is unheard of in my industry at my level...
I looked at maybe moving but I think it would most likely be a total package cut even if it was a promotion (in name) as my company are very generous. So basically, your situation is pretty normal. One thing I would say is that I was incredibly ambitious before having my son and now I care a LOT less.
I will be staying in this role (unless I win the Euromillions!) and hoping to have a second baby.
I have supplemented my main role with industry research and upskilling in AI. So maybe these are some ideas?
I just want to make sure my CV stays in tip top shape in case a new shiny job comes along in 5 years time.
Hope this helps!

Thank you for your advice! I think upskilling and taking some additional training might be a good idea to keep myself engaged.

Also surprised at doctor telling you a year won't make much of a difference.

I became quickly pregnant with my first when I was 34 (first month trying) & assumed the second would be the same (even tried to plan it around holidays!). However, the reality was totally different, we started trying when I was 36 & couldn't fall pregnant naturally.

Testing showed that my FSH levels were very low & my husbands sperm were immobile (I think the first pregnancy was either luck or perfect timing). Ended up doing ivf successfully first time round.

Definitely stay. My brain doesn't work as well as it did before dc. Its taken up with a shit tonne of other stuff and I've lost the ability to sleep.

Honestly you’d be mad to move.

Im in a boring job like you describe and it’s been a blessing with a small child.

Am I ready to move on? Absolutely

Could I have been in a new job in those first few months after mat leave? No.

if you start a new job, you won’t have that built up trust to work to your advantage and you might not qualify for enhanced mat leave.

Id stay in your current job, start ttc and move once you’re settled again post baby.

To test the waters set an alarm to go off every few hours during the night, spend around an hour an week on hold trying to get NHS doctors appointments sorted during work hours, and around once a month take a day off with zero notice, or find someone that has to be available with no notice willing to look after a package containing a human virus.

Now imagine doing all of the above in a new job where you’re trying to create a good impression.

Oh and this! Your brain is just a bit fried, so much that watching married at first sight becomes a bit of a challenge

I agree with this! Going back after mat leave was the first time in my career of 15+ years that I’ve found my job very difficult and questioned my abilities. I used to be able to easily retain information from reading it once, or know what to do without too much thought, but now I really struggle with remembering information, making decisions and this has led to a real lack of confidence. I think it will return but I’m so glad I had a safety net of my steady job.