Unprotected sex last night to TTC 3rd child, now worrying if it's what we want

[ChitterChatter1987]

For over 2yrs myself and DH have been deliberating about whether to have a 3rd child......the decision consumes me sometimes and one day I feel more cons the next more pros about it, but the thoughts never go away.I think about it every single day.

DH has always been somewhat on the fence too, but more like 'I'm willing if you are but it's OK if you arent' and left the ball in my court (happy to go for it if I am)
Last night we were up late chatting about it all then things progressed and we had sex.I said maybe we should just let the decision be taken out of our hands as it were, and let nature take or not take its course, and he went with it.

However, afterwards, he came out the shower and said he had been panicking and feeling worried about what happened, and expressed his concerns about TTC another child incase something happens to me during birth (Didn't have the easiest exprrience with DD1, blood loss etc).He said he was suprised he felt so strongly that way and apologised, but I said he didn't need to apologise as he feels how he feels and it's good he was honest.He asked how I felt...I said I'm not sure....still kind of on the fence really- I didn't feel a big sense if panic after like it was a huge mistake but I guess I also still feel somewhat uncertain and worry about if it would be the right decision.

Woke up this morning, obviously know I need to go and get the morning after pill if he isn't on board as it has to be a joint decision of course.

But it's just emotionally hard as now I feel like we got so close to going down a certain path (which I'm still not 100% sure is right, and probably never would be tbh as i always overthink everything!) Yet now it feels like we will probably be shutting the door for good all of a sudden.

It's messing with my head abit.....I know we probably made a stupid decision last night without being 100% sure and now we are paying the price.....I'm just not sure how I navigate all this emotionally as I think there will be some disappointment there after I take the MAP rather than relief.

Life is so good, we are lucky with the 2 kids we have and I'd never try to force DH into something he definitely doesn't want.

It's just I didn't expect things to turn out this way so it's thrown me, as up until now he has been more 'for' and me more 'against' tbh.

I wasn’t exactly in your position - conceiving the first two took years of effort - but we agreed ”what will be will be” and “it doesn’t happen that easily for us, it’ll probably be fine”. and besides it was the middle of the night and who makes rational decisions then…

I swore a lot three weeks later but, many years on, without doubt the best “decision” of my life.

How old are your children? It's strange to have debated for so long. You just need to decide so you can move on either way.
Fwiw we have 3 - it's lovely but hard work!

It's a weird feeling as 2 is pretty much expected and nobody bats an eyelid, but a 3rd is a luxury and it can feel strange and a bit greedy/guilty... perhaps that's where your husband's panic is coming from?

Totally your choice but as you said, you let the decision be taken out of our hands and the worry and anxiety is the natural reaction of taking a step forward. Was it part of your conversations and planning - worst case scenario we wake up and regret it, how do we manage that?

Does it just comes down to how much you want to be a family of five than four? You may have a child with difficulties and the question is would you be okay with and able to manage and accept that? In any case having a third, as you know, would probably be harder than, and more rewarding than, you imagined.

Older ones are 3&8- same sex, but neither of us want a 3rd for gender reasons.
I'm 37 heading for 38, and still breastfeeding youngest abit at bedtime....so not sure how much hormones are coming into play with my emotions.Feel quite like it's abit of a now or never kind of thing....I worry the older I get the more likely twins, disabilities, health issues for me or miscarriage would be (have had a couple before other kids already)
DH generally seemed quite keen to go ahead, it was me who hesitated, so I'm guessing it's just spun me out abit that he has suddenly done a U turn, although maybe that means it's not the right thing.
He only really has me....he has a big family but is either not close or doesn't speak to many of them including siblings and parents (toxic people) and doesn't have any really close friends either,so has said he is petrified of losing me understandably as I'm the only adult relative he is close to.
I know death in childbirth or pregnancy is rare, but it does worry me too as one of my friends had abit of a close call with one of her births after hemorrhaging, and although my PPH was supposedly only a minor one, I had to have blood transfusions after.
Plus the thought of our existing kids losing me does feel unbearable to think about as they only really have proper close relationships with me and DH.

But it's tricky to know whether that should be a dealbreaker when many people are fine after

I think he is mostly just worried how we will cope with three.
I am somewhat annoyed he hasn't thought this through more til the 11th hour, as the past couple of years he has fairly consistently seemed quite up for it and I've been the hesitant one, yet all of a sudden it's flipped!
However I get he is entitled to how he feels and he wants some time to think things through properly rather than rushing into a decision he doesn't know for sure is right.
Iknow he would love any child unconditionally, we both would, however there's no denying it would make life harder and our current children aren't particularly easy so I do get his reservations there.
I did suggest last night just letting nature take its course then using condoms in future for the time being (leaving it upto fate) and initially he seemed OK with that but then later it became clear he wasn't too up for that either as it still means a risk, although said he didn't want to force a choice on me if I was really unhappy about it, it's my body etc.

I know i need to go to the pharmacy today, as the 72 hours ends this evening, its just feeling really hard to make that final call although I know I have to and its not like there's probably already a pregnancy there and if there is it wouldn't change anything.

No we didn't talk about what would happen if we regretted it after, as we hadn't really made a considered decision about trying.It was probably unfair of me to suddenly drop it on him so suddenly, but he never gave any signs of not being fine with it if i was beforehand, and has admitted that he didn't realise he was going to have reservations until after we 'did the deed'.
He has been abit on the fence the past couple of days too, hence why we haven't got the MAP yet, but I think some of that may have been not wanting to upset me or having to be the one making a final decision.

(Most decisions get put onto me usually as he struggles to take ownership of them, and he is also a people pleaser)

My gut feeling here is don't make the decision on his behalf then, even if that's what you end up doing usually because of his not expressing an opinion until late in the day. If nothing else, not making the decision today will focus your conversation on what you want going forward, what you can both bring to it if you have a third etc.

Are you tracking ovulation? The MAP doesn't work if you've already ovulated but I'm assuming you know that

It’s not weird you’re spinning out, you’ve been stuck on the fence for two years and then suddenly it all got very real. Honestly sounds like you both need more time talking this through without the pressure of a 72-hour clock.

Thankyou for your support.
I think I'm still not 100% sure how it would all work out.On paper there's a long list of pros, but it's hard to ignore the heart reasons and biological urge!
I kind of had it in my head that this summer/autumn would be the 'go for it or not' point (as DH had seemed open to whatever, whenever) so it's hard having that plan pulled from underneath me as i get DH wants to wait and see for abit but to me its just longer stuck in limbo and unable to move forward in a certain direction.Although I'm glad it's not a permemant definite no from him at least.

I know the fair and right thing to do is to take the pill atm, now he is unsure he wants anymore children.

I do now, but only since I was looking up about it the other night though! 🤦‍♀️ Never remember being told so before. I am somewhere around the Ovulation point so there is a chance it won't actually work.

If it doesn't, we will live with the decision and make it work.Any child we have would always be very loved by both of us and never go without the essentials.

I did take the morning after pill several times when I was younger and it worked fine every time (and I seem to be quite easily fertile) so I would have thought now I'm alot older it's unlikely there will be an issue, but obviously no guarantee.