Unwanted pregnancy... what has happened to me?

[feelingsdrasticallychanged]

I have name changed for this.

I must start by apologising because I am going to be completely open, honest and raw about how I feel because I cannot voice this to anybody in my life.

I also apologise as this is going to come across as incredibly insensitive and probably very selfish.

I'm a mother of 2 wonderful children (aged 2.5 & 4.5). Both pregnancies were planned, wanted and I loved every second of pregnancy, post partum and generally now just being their mum. I absolutely adore them.

So it came to no surprise to me or anybody around me when I planned for one more 'final' baby. DH was on board and all was good. First month of trying was a success and I got my positive test.

Initially, I was happy (I think) but also a bit numb to it. DH was over the moon. I did wonder why I wasn't ecstatic about it but thought maybe it was just hormones.

Fast forward to now (11 weeks pregnant) and I am in the worst/most confused headspace. I feel like I have just made the biggest mistake of my life, but I HATE myself for feeling this way. I just want to feel differently, like how I felt with the other two.

My feelings are:

• I only just started getting back into my post pregnancy clothing, I have quite low body confidence so that was a huge deal for me. Selfishly, I cannot think of anything worse than to go back to that post partum stage of 'is she pregnant or just fat'.
• Things are getting easier. DC are in their own room, I have my bed back. No nappies, no bottles, no dummies.
• We are at a fun stage of being able to do a lot with the two of them (because their age gap is quite close). It's also easy to just spontaneously plan things (ie last Saturday evening we randomly decided to get in the car and drive to the ice cream shop). Easy - didn't have to pack anything or worry about naps/dropping dummy/stopping for feeds etc.

There are more reasons. I can't help but feel 'what would this baby bring that the other two have not already?'. Baby would probably be left in the sidelines for a good 3/4 years whilst I take the older two to pumpkin patches, swimming, panto's etc etc... because A. 3 is A LOT to handle and B. They'd need to catch up age wise.

It's like we'd be adding to the load and adding stress when we are at the point where we are just happy and it is doable.

The problem is that... most of DH's family know (he was so excited and told them almost immediately) and I think (due to how far along I am) there is a chance that by the time I get an appointment I would have to have a surgical termination which seems so... extreme/mean/selfish.... everything bad and wrong?

Plus, I never EVER thought I would end up feeling this way. EVER. So what happens if I did a sudden U-turn once it's all over and go into deep regret and never forgive myself....

Equally, do I just go along with this pregnancy feeling so down and so regretful and hope for the best once he/she is born...

What do I do? I really need some emotional support because I am breaking.

I’m so sorry your feeling like this OP.

Would it be worth a chat with your midwife to rule out any perinatal mental health issues?

It is absolutely your choice whether you continue with the pregnancy but I would recommend speaking to a professional before making any decisions x

@YesHonestly It truly feels like I've stepped into somebody else's head. I just didn't feel this way with the other two - I was the happiest I'd ever been. I embraced all of it. I even PLANNED this one. So why on earth is my mind doing this to me? Or is it just the reality of it has suddenly kicked in now that it's happened?

I'm very conscious of time - I know that getting a gp/midwife appointment takes time and time is not on my side right now.

My daughter was planned and very much wanted after 3 miscarriages.

I remember after she was born feeling that I’d made the biggest mistake, that I’d ruined my toddler son’s life and just wishing I could go back and change it. It did fade and I feel sick at how I used to feel, but it turned out I was quite unwell and had been for a large proportion of the pregnancy.

Hormones are likely playing a part, and wanting something and then it actually becoming a reality can sometimes feel really scary.

BPAS are great and would arrange for you to talk to someone, you still have time x

I should also add that bedtime was awful tonight. 2.5 yo was over tired and screamed the house down for about 45 minutes until he finally calmed down, gave in and was stroked/massaged to sleep (which took a further 30 mins).

Eldest was good as gold and took himself to bed but then I felt terrible for not reading to him or properly saying good night as i was too busy calming down the little one.

I just laid there thinking 'how would I manage if a newborn was thrown into the mix'. 90% of the time I have to do bedtime routine alone, it can be challenging with two, can't begin to imagine what it's like with 3...

@YesHonestly Thank you for sharing, I am wondering if there is something more going on than just the hormones. I will look at speaking with bpas asap.

Woah. This is so bizarre to read. I’m 12+3 with my third. I have 2DDs - 2.5 and 3.5.
Pregnancies were great, being pregnant made me feel healthy and happy and safe and excited.
Then motherhood literally gave meaning to my life, I’m obsessed with my daughters; it’s hard but I’ve loved it all.

Then I fell with number 3. It wasn’t quite planned but we weren’t careful (bit different from your situation). At first I was cautiously thrilled but within days I felt this cloud encroaching.

Now, 12 weeks in I could have written your post and I’m the lowest I’ve ever been. I’m scared of the stress, the weight, the financial strain, the marital strain, the effect on my girls - especially my youngest who will become a middle child, the effect on my career. I just can’t see why I wanted a third anymore. I think everything is about to be ruined and this is the polar opposite to how I felt in my other pregnancies.

We will keep our baby, there’s no question but I’m worried about myself and desperately hoping this will lift. I think I need antidepressants.

I agree about perinatal MH team.

Of you really mates another one and it’s being pregnant that’s set off these feelings it’s very likely to be MH/ hormone related.

But whatever you decide you do not have to have a baby you fine may and shouldn’t not terminate because of how others would feel.

OP I very much wanted a second baby, I was older (39) and knew my chances of conceiving were lessening every month. I was absolutely desperate to have another baby. I could never have envisioned that I would have felt devastated when I fell pregnant quite quickly. I was so convinced that I'd made a terrible mistake and had ruined our little family with DS (things were just starting to get a bit easier). I really wish I'd spoke to my midwife or anyone really, because I went through hell worrying and berating myself. I would urge you to speak to someone, even if over the phone, asap.

For context, I continued with the pregnancy. She's 19 now, sitting across from me and my absolute greatest joy (along with DS).

Sorry, I posted twice by mistake.

@Bellatrixxx I'm so sorry that you are in a similar position. It's just awful when you've been expecting to feel a certain way about something but then your brain suddenly hits you with the complete opposite. I was NOT prepared to feel like this.

I wish I could offer some advice but as you can probably tell, I'm probably the worst one for that at the moment! I do hope it passes for you and that you get to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy,

@TitaniasAss Thank you. You said 'she's 19 now and sitting across from me' - this is what keeps coming to my head. I go from being 90% sure I do not want to continue this pregnancy, to suddenly fast forwarding time and thinking 'the early years are short lived and one day he/she will be 15/16 and sitting next to me on the sofa'.

But then I also think, the early years might be short but the days are also incredibly hard and long. I do want some sort of a life, not one where I am JUST mum and I feel with 3 kids I will be just that.... mum and mum only.

I think if you're wanting honest opinions and responses here then I'll say what I'm thinking.
If you don't want to read this as it may be upsetting please don't read.

I have the same age children and know exactly what you mean about it feeling easier etc. I also feel they are getting to a bickering / difficult stage and I just can't stand some days!

My DH has always wanted a 3rd and I've been firmly in the no camp.

My main reason for this (alongside all the reasons you've already listed) is that I have 2 healthy and happy children. There is no guarantee that a third would be healthy. I always worry that I would end up in a situation I couldn't deal with and I would hate my life I do not think a third would add anything that you don't already have, and if you are happy with 2 then I would stick with 2. If you are feeling this way then if it was me I know I would end up resenting everything that wasn't perfect. All the difficult days / the feeding struggles / the nappy explosions etc.

So I have already had this conversation with myself - and this is the bit maybe that will not be received well by some. If I were to get pregnant now, I would terminate and tell people including my DH that I had miscarried.

He would never want me to terminate, but at the end of the day it is my body (your body) and your choice. It's never the dads whose lives change as much as the mums lives.

You will likely regret not having this baby, you wanted it but are now looking at all the negatives, if you abort it, in a few years time you will be thinking, I wanted that baby and now there is this hole in my life, what did I do. Think carefully. And would you keep an abortion all to yourself that is a heavy weight to carry and not easily forgotten.

@summerlovingvibes @dogcatkitten

Thank you.

This is the thing... could I go through with that and keep it to myself? I don't know. Plus how would I feel once it's 'done'? I know you can't answer that question (sadly) but I just don't know how I will deal with it all and if I could deal with it all... equally though, I'm not coping being pregnant and envisioning a future with another child. So... whichever way I turn I'm walking into the unknown.

And that's the thing, you have to be sure in yourself what you want.

I know I'm sure and have strong feelings about this - lots of background and reasons for why I feel this way.

And basically I'm saying you have to be sure of how you feel and it is your decision at the end of the day.

Although this is a terrible thing to say, if you were to terminate based on your feelings now, and then in a few months / years time if you felt like it had been a huge mistake there is nothing to stop you trying again. You are clearly very fertile!

But if this isn't right for you right now then that is ok.

Only you can answer that xxx

Is it worth speaking to a counsellor from an abortion charity? They are amazing, I spoke to one after I had my abortion 20 years ago. And recently because even though it was the right thing to do, and it really was and I don’t regret it exactly, I still cry about it sometimes because it does still get to me. It’s not an easy thing to go through either way, you either have an abortion which is always difficult or you potentially have a child you don’t fully want. You need to talk everything through, the more you do the clearer you will be and the counsellors will be able to guide you through your feelings. X

It doesn't necessarily mean that the OP could fall pregnant again. Possibly, but it may not be the best reason to have a termination. i.e. on the basis that you can just have another one if you decide you want one. The OP really wanted a third child, there's no way of her knowing that she wouldn't feel exactly the same as she does now with another pregnancy.

I absolutely agree that the OP needs to do what's right for her but I don't think it's as simple as 'you can just have another one'.

I had an extremely difficult third pregnancy. I essentially went into denial for the first 10 weeks, like if I didn't acknowledge it then I could pretend it wasn't happening. I didn't have my first scan until 16 weeks. I ordered abortion pills and his them in the back of a cupboard and made appointments and cancelled them at the last minute. I cried through my first midwife appointment. Basically I felt anything other than happy. As someone who loves pregnancy and family life, it was all very strange; a weird kind of panicked response.

Buuut I stuck with it. I would say after around 20 weeks the fog gradually lifted. I still had the odd moment of panic and regret, but it lessened.

Once my baby was born, everything sort of fell into place. I remembered all the things I loved about babies. Sleepless nights etc are all pretty horrific when thought of from a distance, but somehow not so bad in reality. It's all so fleeting.

I love my baby so much. He's such a joy. I feel terrible for the thoughts I had during pregnancy and wish I'd allowed myself to just relax and enjoy the ride. Things are a bit harder in some ways, but I wouldn't change it, be brings us so much happiness. His siblings adore him and he's such a wonderful boy.

So, my advice is, listen to your pre pregnancy self. Be positive and hopeful. Babies being their own joy. You will be fine.

Sounds like a really difficult space to be in OP but I definitely think you’re doing the right thing by acknowledging it and wanting to discuss it. Hormones can definitely play a huge part in how you feel. I just have the one DC and I felt very similar to you. My whole pregnancy and early PP I just couldn’t bond and questioned why on earth I’d done it. She’s almost 3 and she’s my absolute everything now but I look back and think I must’ve been quite mentally unwell although I’d have sworn I wasn’t; but maybe the pregnancy hormones didn’t suit me that time. Maybe that’s what’s happening to you now? Discuss your options because you have got to be comfortable with whatever choice you make and you’ve got to do whatever is best for you and your family. Good luck with everything x

@feelingsdrasticallychanged how are you? And what did you decide to do?