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Has anyone left their dh and dc?

11 replies

Cornbreadmuffin · 22/08/2025 09:14

I can’t work a way out to leave without my dc being worse off if I leave with them. I have no job and my employability is probably not all that great now after long gaps. I also am so down I feel like I’m incapable of doing anything.

My dh doesn’t give me any money from his income I am ‘allowed’ to spend on a credit card though but he always spends too much so I’m careful with that. I do have access to some savings. I don’t use them because it’s supposed to be for a house deposit but dh never bothers to even look at houses so I don’t think it’s ever going to happen.

I don’t have any friends or family. I’m thinking of just leaving, renting a room with the savings and trying to get a job and start over. I’ll be 40 next year and I’ve just had enough. I also don’t think I’ll be able to start over if I take my dc as I’m not eligible for benefits due to the savings but I also wont be eligible for a rental if I don’t have any income and wouldn’t have a job that would afford a private rental anyway. . I am so down today. Just want to get out of this situation.

OP posts:
YesHonestly · 22/08/2025 09:16

How much do you have in savings? Are they yours or joint? Is it enough for a deposit? If so I would make it a priority to get a job to allow you to buy alone in the next year.

Eenameenadeeka · 22/08/2025 09:26

Can you possibly try and find a job before you leave? Any job, even if it's not highly paid would be better than nothing, would make things feel easier and it would be quite stressful to be relying on using up all of your savings to pay rent when you don't have an income.

IDreamOfElectricSheep · 22/08/2025 09:29

Find a job first, then use the money to move out. It’ll be easier for you to find accommodation if you’re working.
How old are your dc? Do you honestly believe they’ll be better off with someone who sounds abusive than with you?

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Thiscouldberotterdam · 22/08/2025 09:30

Echo looking for a job now amd start planning. You can speak with your local council housing department who will be able to give advice about housing options. If there's any abuse in the relationship (financial possibly?) Have a chat with women's aid who will also be able to talk through options. Make an appointment with GP who you can discuss your difficulties with also they maybe able to support with how you feel mood wise.

Cuttlefisher · 22/08/2025 10:13

Perhaps we can help with helping you find a job to apply for? What did you do for your last few jobs, and what sort of thing would you be interested in doing now?

PurpleChrayn · 22/08/2025 10:15

This reply has been deleted

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Thelnebriati · 22/08/2025 10:16

It sounds like you are in a financially abusive relationship, so it would be worth you getting some advice about that. If you contact Women's Aid they might be a good place to start, they should understand the law.

PinkCampervan · 22/08/2025 10:39

How old are DC?

If they're teens I can understand it more, because they can basically choose where they spend their time. You can make it clear they're welcome round your place any time and you can explain to them your situation, so hopefully they'd understand why you did what you're planning to do.

Younger DC I think you'd just ruin your relationship with them completely, because they won't really be able to understand and I'm not sure trying to explain abuse to younger children is even appropriate, your marriage difficulties aren't their problem. It'd also ruin things for them by leaving them in an abusive situation they can't choose to walk away from. They'd see you EOW most likely.

If he was difficult about access to spite you, your DC might end up not seeing you ever again, at least until they're old enough to go wherever they like independently and by then it'll be too late, they'll have no relationship with you any more and years of his lies dripping poisonously in their ears.

I don't understand your stance on benefits. You take the savings (how much is there?), use it to house yourself and pay your living expenses whilst looking for work. Then once it's below £16k you claim UC. Forget about keeping it in the bank as savings (which could affect benefits), you're not in a position to do that, so use it for whatever you need.

Are there things like a marital home with equity in it, to be sold? Does he have a good pension? Any other investments? If yes to any of these, you can take ALL the money in the savings account and offset it against these other things in the financial settlement. You'd not be taking it out of greed but because you needed to house yourself and DC.

You can also put your expenses on the CC. Who cares if there's less available for him? Tough luck! He's financially abusive. If it's a joint CC you're entitled to spend on it and are liable for half the debt anyway, so may as well rack some up, because do you think he won't?

If it's his CC he unofficially allows you access to, ensure the things you buy on it after leaving are for DC - clothes, school uniform, winter coat, food (tins and packets last ages, like years, so stock up), bedding, toys. And do it quickly before he realises you've gone and cuts it off. Buy next size up for next year if you don't need it for this year. Keep all receipts as proof it was spent on DC.

NOresponsibility · 22/08/2025 10:47

How old are the kids.
Your in your 40s soon so i imagine the kids are teens.
Maybe a sit down and a talk about it.

arcticpandas · 22/08/2025 10:51

How old are your kids? Are you being abused in other ways as well or just financially?

britneyisfreebutnotokay · 22/08/2025 11:08
Flowers try not to leave your DC. All the best
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