Parenting advice please - incredibly shy DS.

[Cantcopewiththesickness]

I have a lovely 4.5yo son who truly is my whole world. I adore him.

Problem is he is shy and almost lacks confidence? He goes to nursery (starts Reception next month) and has been going since he was almost 2. He goes 2/3 days per week depending on my work, so despite not going full time he has interaction with other adults and children. He also has a little brother (small age gap so they are very close).

At nursery he tends to stick to one or two boys in particular, he has always done this. He gets to know one or two and then does not really get to know anybody else. He likes it there though, which is the main thing.

The problem isn’t with the nursery side of things any way, i’ll give a couple of examples of where my worry is coming from:

1. If we attend a bday party where he only knows one or two of the children there, he doesn’t really get involved at all - just sticks to me.
2. I put him into a summer camp for one day (with his friend) earlier this month. Friend went in just fine, my ds ran the other direction and had to be picked up and taken in whilst crying. Apparently it took a while to calm him down. Upon pick up he said he hated it!
3. He gets mega shy around adults - we walked into my in laws house the other week who had unexpected guests, DS refused to go in because of all the people and when he was eventually in, his response to those saying hello to him was to shout ‘NO’ at them and hide behind me. He can appear to be very unfriendly and antisocial!
4. He hates being the centre of attention and even gets shy when I look in his direction whilst watching nursery performances etc.
5. If I say something like ‘we are going to softplay today’ his first question will always be ‘are you coming and are you staying with me’. Constantly looking for reassurance.

I just want him to have more confidence and be more pleasant to people!

With me he is the complete opposite but in public/around others he goes into a shell and it tends to come out in an angry way.

I was thinking of just throwing him into the deep end with something like stagecoach? Or perhaps starting slowly with a weekend hour long football class (which I did try in the past but he refused to participate). He would HATE stagecoach but is this what he needs in order for me to turn this around?

my little ones was like this - socially awkward, lacked in confidence. Wouldn’t go into a room at family get together a etc
as he got older other things appeared more obvious
he has been diagnosed as autistic.
it actually makes complete sense now looking back.
90% of people would never know he was autistic, but he is able to mask things very well, but certain situations, parties, soft plays, busier family get togethers it definitely shows and he either doesn’t attend or he sits out of the room.

I was that kid, as was my DS.
My advice would be, let him be who he is. If he is naturally shy, there will come a time when you can help him develop his confidence, but chucking him in at the deep end into activities you know he won’t enjoy will just lead to a very stressed child!
I’m sure they will work on this with him in Reception, and he will become more accustomed to others. If there is an activity or sport he particularly enjoys, and there is a way you can take part with him, that would be something to introduce him to and then gradually step away as he builds his confidence.
My DS struggled with this until he was about 7 or 8 - he then found his groove and his passions, and has actually become very confident and good at interacting with others.

I should probably add - DS is AuDHD (diagnosed aged 10), as am I…

My brother was this way. Wanted to be with my mum always. He would never play on the park unless she played with him, wouldn't go anywhere without holding her hand. If another adult spoke to him he would make animal noises.

He eventually found another kid just as shy and they just started to be shy in each others company and would play in silence for ages. Until one day they just made up some game and the rest was history.

He's now a very competent and successful musician at uni with loads of friends.

I would say don't think to hard about it, he sounds like a sensitive and sweet boy. And especially if he has some friends already then he's not socially lacking. I personally wouldn't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do or would be comfortable with, it could be traumatic and have the opposite effect you're hoping for. I would just encourage him where he's naturally sociable, let him get stuck in where he's comfortable. Perhaps inviting his safe nursery friends to soft play?

Thank you! See this is making me think back about myself when I was his age and in fairness, I was also quite shy.

Then again my parents did encourage me to do things (horse riding, stagecoach, ballet etc). Plus I was always in different camps during holidays. I always hated the idea of these things and got anxious about attending but once I was there I remember enjoying myself. That is why I’m thinking should I just encourage him to do more instead of keeping him back well within his comfort zone?

Let him be.
DS2 was this child (although he'd never have shouted at the strangers - he just wouldn't have spoken!). He is now a teen, is still very quiet. Has a small group of close friends. Still very "look around and figure it out before committing" in new environments. Every parents evening involves being told he needs to communicate more.
But, he's fabulous. He's way less introverted than he used to be (although covid lock downs suited him perfectly!), but is never going to want the spotlights on him. Stagecoach would have been a nightmare - I strongly suggest you rethink that. Finding something he wanted to do, and then facilitating that has worked for us. Took about 3 years of occasionally suggesting football to get an ok. He snaped our hands off when we found a weekly climbing group - and that really has been the most social he gets.
So what might spark his interest?

At 4.5 there are a lot of changes going on and with him being your first you may be telegraphing your anxiety without realising. You can over explain and reassure. Telling him there’s nothing to worry about can have the opposite effect suggesting that there is something to be worried about. Focus on positive reaffirmation, rather than trying to allay his concerns.
Make sure that he knows you are coming back. Don’t force him to interact but don’t give him too much attention. Sit quietly with him so it becomes more interesting to go and play rather than sit quietly with you. If there are toys around don’t go and collect a few so he can play with them, if he wants something encourage him to fetch them himself.
It’s really scary, as a parent, but some just take a little more time to warm up.

DS was very shy, maybe better described as reserved, he liked to observe before he joined in. If you met him now ( 21 next month) you wouldn’t believe he was shy as a youngster. He has a big network of friends and has no problems joining in with unfamiliar people. He as also the steady pair of hands at school and frequently was asked to look after new pupils until they found their tribe. I would describe him as an “Inbetweener” but blossomed into a a good looking young man so is popular with the girls. Although he admits that he doesn’t always understand them. At the moment he’s enjoying the single life but does have a girlfriend of sorts. He had a “serious” relationship early on so has done the “end of the world” thing post first love. I’m glad he got it over with to be honest, it’s made him far more resilient emotionally. His friends are now catching up so he’s on hand to offer beer and sympathy.

Thank you @DongDingBell . Pleased I posted on here because I now see that I’m perhaps barking up the wrong tree by forcing him into things he wouldn’t want to do. You asked what it is he is into… this is the thing! He just isn’t into anything (other than his brio trains but of course that isn’t an actual activity!). Probably because he just hasn’t tried.

I’ve tried football - that was a big fat fail. He likes swimming but I can’t swim so he can only go with his dad (who works typically 6 days a week so we find it hard to squeeze that in very often).

I’ll have a think and suggest a few things to him, although school starts for him in September so no doubt he will be tired and will need a whole new routine for that. Hopefully school might just change things and as he gets older I might be able to encourage an after school club or weekend activity.

Can you look for a pool with a significant amount of shallow end? That would allow you to take him swimming - ie you are always waist deep, so on your feet?
Or, he could shortly be old enough to go to swimming lessons with you sat on the side?

Is there anything at the library that might appeal?

Honestly, at 4 DS2 just pretty much stayed with us. He was more like 6 before organised activities became possible.

I would not have put a shy 4 yo into a one day summer camp, that was silly to expect him to enjoy it without any settling in etc like they have when starting a school or nursery. Only the most confident kids would enjoy that at that age. He sounds normal. He’s shy, and no the way is NOT to force him into bloody Stagecoach! A much gentler approach is needed. Help him find something he enjoys and is confident in at a later point but for now focus on the transition to school and stop trying to create a personality in a child that doesn’t exist. Some kids are shy and need a gentler approach. Parent the kid you actually have, not the one you want.

If you force him into Stagecoach and the like and it’s not his thing (and it won’t be. It’s full of loud theatre loving kids) then you’ll damage, not increase, his confidence. Kids need to succeed at stuff to get more confident and they - even more importantly - need to feel their parent always has their back.

My DS is a bit younger (3yo) but similar. We've had some success with using friendships to introduce him to new things.

For example, he does a weekly rugby class, which we started going to because his friend goes. It's one where parents stay and join in, so he goes every weekend with DH. At first he would only participate minimally and spent most of the session sitting with DH and having a snack. But was happy to go along because his friend would be there.

After 2 terms (and his friend moving up to the next class), he joins in everything and is incredibly enthusiastic. I went along a few weeks ago and it was so lovely to see him joining in with everything.

DS also has his preferred friends at nursery and I don't think it's a bad thing - he's just getting a bit more discerning about who he gets on with.

I wouldn't introduce a new club when he is just starting school. Allow him to settle in for a while first. Make sticking with you in new environments (eg parties, friends house) boring so he might be more likely to go play near others if not necessarily with them - talk to others around you or read a book / do a crossword and say hello to him if he comes up but keep interaction to a minimum. When he does agree to go to an activity, withdraw gradually (IE sit within sight, then look away so you're not giving him focussed attention, then go 'answer a phone call' or whatever but come back quickly etc. Do it unobtrusively so without telling him cos that will make it a bigger issue.

How is he with other known adults? Can a grandparent / other parent / friend take him to the park (maybe cos mum is 'going to the hairdresser's or has an appointment)? Just so he gets used to you not being there but he isn't alone.

My eldest was very similar and even now at secondary school he is still shy . I really don’t think you should force your child and ;“ throw him in at the deep end “. I think some children are just more shy than others and not all children will be super confident and like being the centre of attention .
I think it is better as you say - trying to build his confidence and give him the opportunity to try things out e. g activities / after school clubs . There may very well be some that he won’t like , unless he really hates it , at least try it out for a few weeks / several times .

My son always felt more confident if there was one of his friends / someone else he knew at the activity / camp etc .He did come to enjoy summer camps etc and I remember on one holiday he went from not wanting to go to the kids club - to not wanting to leave it .
We do what we can to continue to build his confidence and his teachers always encourage him to speak out in class , when he knows the answers .
He has always had a tight group of friends , even if he isn’t in with the popular crowd .

Your son is still very young and he may become less shy , as he grows . It will be a big transition for him to go to school and I would also say for my son that even though he knew lots of other kids from nursery, he still found it tough . He was actually quite naughty but this settled down after the first term .

He did try drama as he was encouraged by one of his teachers to do so , but he didn’t really enjoy it - so didn’t continue .