Very worried about co-parenting when we have different parenting styles

[stuckandlonely]

posting here for traffic.

How do you cope/not worry?

This is part of the reason why I haven’t yet left the relationship. I’m really worried about co-parenting with DH as we are just so different. One DD aged 4. I do 90% of the childcare.

I am much more chilled and relaxed. DH is loving, but much harder than me. He is very regimented and lacks flexibility. He has exacting standards. These are all part of the issues that I’m finding increasingly hard to live with.

At the moment I feel my presence waters this down to a degree for DD although it does cause some conflict. I’m basically worried about how she’ll
cope with his personality without me there. I feel I protect her from some of this.

I’m writing this quickly but will come back to the thread and I’m happy to expand.

Just looking for some advice and experiences.

Thank you

Hopeful bump?

Can you give an example? School mum friend sees herself as 'relaxed and free range' but what she means is dc does whatever they want, no consequences as that's damaging emotionally..

Following, as I am in a similar situation.

Kids can cope with differing parenting styles, in fact it's really good for their social learning.

As long as neither parent is abusive of course.

Ive been criticised by a visiting relative recently for being controlling and rigid. Specifically, having a bedtime for my 5 year old, feeding him at roughly the same time each day for breakfast, lunch and dinner, which is eaten together at the table.

If I took a free range approach, I'd have an overtired, hangry gremlin on my hands

I think this really depends on how different the styles are and what his style is exactly. Can you give examples? But I’m in a similar boat, I don’t want to leave my baby with DH because he has no concept of safety.

If you are currently doing 90% of care, is your ex likely to put himself out to care for dcs?

Will he reorganise his work schedule to do nursery & school pickups? If he lacks flexibility, how will he cope with dcs being poorly and needing him to miss work at no notice.

My ex insisted he wanted 50:50 but finally settled on 6hrs a week. I ended up doing all the care and was able to raise my ds as I saw fit.

I agree that we need more details.

I am chilled but at age 4, bedtime and meal times were at fixed times. It keeps the child happy and makes the transition between term time and holidays easier.

Is he likely to want 50/50 if you split?

Well would say that depends on reason for 90%. If op is sahm /part time that's why.
If like see on here a lot, it's because won't let dh parent because of differing parenting...
Or is he a lazy sod?

Many men do next to nothing pre divorce then want 50/50 either to avoid paying CMS or to hurt their ex wives. Mine did for the second reason.
to answer the OP’s question, I find the concept of “parallel parenting” useful ie different rules at different homes. But I am also massively struggling as my ex is giving our DS (8) lots more screen time, feeding him bad food, not organising much social contact with friends & family (my ex is very grumpy & a bit of a loner; DS is an extrovert), not helping at all with schoolwork or reading or anything like that, drinking too much around him & worst of all I suspect he is being quite rough with him physically & there’s very little I can do.
Not to derail the thread or freak anyone out but I wish I’d had more info on coparenting before beginnng it so maybe this is useful although I hope others won’t have the issues I am having (& I am aware others have much worse).

More details;

I am definitely more relaxed but I do have routines for DD. Ironically, for all he’s much more rigid about other things, DH won’t stick to them. For example, I work a later evening on a Tuesday so DH does the nursery run. I get home between 7.30 and 8pm so DD should be teeth cleaned, stories read, in bed etc. I usually come home to find her still up and playing. DH “hands over” to me the minute I walk through the door so I then have to start the bedtime routine then.

Other examples of conflict, DD can be fussy about what she wears. I generally pick my battles and take the view it’s more important we actually get out the house. But last weekend we took a trip to the zoo. DH didn’t like what DD was wearing and wanted her to wear a “nice dress”. She got upset at him putting pressure on her to change, I got pissed off because it had taken quite a long time to get her up and ready anyway, and it just caused so much stress.

DH is also fixed on “having plans” and sticking to it. He often asks what I’m doing for the day - library, food shop, play park whatever. If I don’t leave at the exact time I say I might head out, he gets pissed off. There’s no flexibility, and usually it doesn’t bloody matter. If DD is playing nicely I might decide to go a bit later. Honestly, the amount of grief it can cause.

I’m worried about DD being harangued about what she’s wearing and being dragged out the door, just because everything has to be done to his schedule.

I work 4 days a week. DH generally does most nursery runs but that’s because it’s closer to his work. I do virtually all the care around that. All meals, bedtime, shopping for her, nursery and now school paperwork, childcare finances, appointments, medicines etc. He only looks after her at weekends if I’m not there, and that’s vanishingly rare.

He’s not lazy in so far as he does a lot around the house, but it’s what he wants to do and I rarely get my jobs done.

I’d be surprised if he wanted 50/50 but I think I’d worry about her being there for a whole weekend even. But I know alt weekends would probably be the minimum.

I’d be surprised if he wanted 50/50 but I think I’d worry about her being there for a whole weekend even. But I know alt weekends would probably be the minimum

Children do adapt, my son had rules that phones should be on charge in the lounge at night, no phones in bedroom, regular bed time on a school night but later at the weekends and holidays. Also he’d let my grandson stay up slightly later if his football team were on tv providing pjs on and completely ready for bed except toilet and teeth. Dinner was eaten at the table. His mum was a lot more relaxed, phone in bedroom, bed when tired etc. my grandson just accepted both ways with no issue. He’d automatically put his phone on charge when at his dads.

Thank you, but I think I’m worrying because DD is only (just) 4. She’s too young to fully understand. If she was 7, 8, 9, 10 etc maybe I’d feel differently.