Hi op, I can relate! Or at least I could relate when I was in my forties. I think mid-forties is a classic time to take stock of your life and your purpose, as they say, and at the same time you are very aware that your choices are your own and you are the one steering the boat and you need to make the most of your remaining active life.
You are also at the height of your powers and you are aware that death is part of life.
It used to worry me a lot and I felt rather panicky and almost suffocated by the thought of dying. But that is when I had more energy tbh!
But now, many years on, and I hope this doesn’t sound patronising because it just happens to be the case, I feel more accepting that life is finite and short, that death is as natural as the leaves on the trees. and at the same time I have more of an appreciation of every day that I am alive and of the people I love around me.
That’s not to say that I have any illusions about the physical discomfort that accompanies dying. But I think that the human body is an amazing thing. And old age brings with it a much greater appreciation of life and its inevitable patterns.
I’ve also had a few health problems that have made me aware that there can be worse things than death. And I also have more general experience of death of people close to me such as my parents and friends. And one of my parents in particular was content and ready to go. They had a good death,
And when you see a dead body you realise that whatever the thing was that made that person uniquely who they were, whether you call it a spirit or a soul, it is no longer there and the body is merely an empty shell.
I also have less conviction that I am totally in charge!
Sorry that’s just a random selection of not very erudite thoughts but in summary, my guess is, that in twenty years or more, you will probably feel more comfortable about the concept of death, and more accepting of the reality of it, than you do now.
I know you said these thoughts arose from having focused on your pension but they don’t strike me as the thoughts of someone entirely content with their life and future plans? Are you happy in yourself op? Do you feel fulfilled? Are you looking to find a different challenge? What would be your ideal life if you didn’t have the current restraints and commitments that you do now?
Are there any major aspects of your current life that you would like to alter?
Could you be depressed? Or peri-menopausal? Is it worth having a chat with the gp?
Sometimes a feeling of unease like this can be our sub-conscious warning us that all is not well with our health, our living circumstances, or our relationships, and that we need to take control and change direction. Could it be that do you think?
💐