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Original poster

Should I go to the wedding?

24 replies

Lavennderr · 20/08/2025 11:29

Just need some quick advice.

My partner's family is having a wedding this weekend. He has told me he really wants me there and I know his parents want me there too. However I have a family member who is dying and may not make it through the week. I don't feel in the wedding mood at all, although I'm not so close to this member my close family members are and it's obviously distressing and upsetting for everyone. I've known said family member all my life and I am upset.

On the other hand when I tried to tell mil I may not go she told me she was really disappointed. Should I suck it up and go despite not being in the party spirit? Maybe it will lift me up a bit. It just doesn't feel appropriate so soon after to go celebrate when we are going through such a hard time. I know DH wants me there, he says he understands but how he feels is a different thing....

OP posts:
sweetpickle2 · 20/08/2025 11:33

Don't go if you don't want to- and balls to his MIL for trying to make you feel guilty!

Sorry for what you're going through.

Original poster
Lavennderr · 20/08/2025 11:36

@sweetpickle2 I want to support DH since he wants me there. But I'm just not in the mood for small talk and partying. This is why I'm finding it hard to decide

OP posts:
sweetpickle2 · 20/08/2025 11:46

Unless there's a huge backstory what support does he need to attend a wedding, really? It's a party.

You're the one who needs support right now, not him surely? Either he can skip the wedding or he can do alone, he'll manage.

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Weddings
MamaElephantMama · 20/08/2025 11:48

It may be good for you to be around others but it’s your decision, don’t let other people guilt you into doing what they want.

muggart · 20/08/2025 11:52

Lavennderr · 20/08/2025 11:36

@sweetpickle2 I want to support DH since he wants me there. But I'm just not in the mood for small talk and partying. This is why I'm finding it hard to decide

YOU want to support HIM? You’re the one going through a bereavement not him, he should be supporting you instead of guilting you.

I’d be very unimpressed at MIL’s comments too.

If you want people to respect you, you need to respect yourself and not act like youre just there to do other people’s bidding.

Toseland · 20/08/2025 11:53

I think I'd probably go and make the best of it, whilst letting them know in advance that you might need to leave in a hurry.
Your partner is your future.

ExcellentDesign · 20/08/2025 11:57

I'd probably go but get DH to let his family know things are hard for you at the moment and you might prefer to be left alone a bit, he also needs to stick with you and not go off chatting to his relatives all day. Is there any possibility you can leave early e.g. not go to the evening do?

Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 20/08/2025 11:57

I wouldn't go. I'd find it hard to put on a brave face. Ignore your MIL, she's only concerned with how it looks.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 20/08/2025 11:57

Maybe suggest that you go for the ceremony and photos, but you may have to leave before the reception?

mamagogo1 · 20/08/2025 11:58

If you are not close to the relative dying then yes you should go to the planned wedding but it’s fine to be subdued

Lydia50 · 20/08/2025 11:59

You are being guilt tripped. It’s very j fair on you and I think your mil is being incredibly selfish. Be careful she doesn’t push you around. The response to you should be in sos sorry I completely understand.
if you don’t feel like you can manage the small talk when you are felling down don’t go. You may be married but you can make your own decisions. Take care

IfYoureLeavingTakeMeToo · 20/08/2025 12:09

Lavennderr · 20/08/2025 11:36

@sweetpickle2 I want to support DH since he wants me there. But I'm just not in the mood for small talk and partying. This is why I'm finding it hard to decide

Its a wedding - not an exam or a funeral!

He'll cope without your support

You do what you feel is right!!

CuriousKangaroo · 20/08/2025 12:11

Why does he need “support” to attend a family wedding? I genuinely don’t understand.

Catnapsallday · 20/08/2025 13:06

I would say that your support and responsibility is to your own family now who are very close to the family member who is dying.
A wedding is a happy occasion, it's highly unlikely that your DP needs your support at this particular type of family event., especially if it's only for the optics of it.
Let your conscience be your guide.

Dabberlocks · 20/08/2025 13:35

You need to support your relatives who are about to be bereaved, and to take care of your own mental wellbeing. That is more important than going to someone's wedding.

If anyone asks your DH why you aren't there and he tells them that your relative is dying, then they will totally understand your absence. Your MIL is being extremely insensitive and your DH needs to tell her to have some common decency.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 20/08/2025 13:47

If your MIL doesn’t have history of being difficult, i think kindly, MIL and DH are trying to say this is a family event for their family and so they’d be sad if you aren’t there to share it with them, because you are important to their family. You might not be in a party mood, but could you be in the mood to reflect how important family ties are?

If able to, and you don’t think your loved ones closer to the dying person would need you, go for the ceremony and meal. Watch the first dance then slink off early.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/08/2025 14:18

Lavennderr · 20/08/2025 11:36

@sweetpickle2 I want to support DH since he wants me there. But I'm just not in the mood for small talk and partying. This is why I'm finding it hard to decide

Why does your DH need support to attend a wedding? You (and your close family) are the one(s) needing support here!

I wouldn't go, I would give the excuse that I would not want to drag the wedding down.

JellyComb · 20/08/2025 14:22

Depends how far away it is. If its local, go to the ceremony and then leave. If its quite far away, don;t go at all. That would be my answer.

Original poster
Lavennderr · 21/08/2025 15:24

@WhereYouLeftIt I can tell DH is disappointed and mil won't stop going on about how much of a shame it is I won't be there. I know if I don't go it may negatively impact my relationship and I don't want DH to harbour resentment, even if he says he understands. I also don't want to never hear the end of it from mil after the wedding

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 21/08/2025 15:30

Oh fgs they can go alone. You are not an emotional support animal you are having a tough time I can’t believe they’re being so insensitive and selfish.

Clearly his side of the family will be there so it’s not like he won’t know anyone. It’s actually ridiculous.

go and be with your family on the day and spend some time. He should be supporting you and being kind not pressuring you and letting his mother moan at you.

beAsensible1 · 21/08/2025 15:31

If your DH will harbour resentment because you missed a wedding due grieving a dying relative then he is not a very nice person.

how unfortunate

Original poster
Lavennderr · 21/08/2025 17:57

Unfortunately mil doesnt have much empathy for people outside of herself. She will say the right things but will still not shy away from announcing her disappointment

OP posts:
ginasevern · 21/08/2025 18:06

So you aren't close per se to the dying relative. What would be expected of you whilst they are dying? At the risk of sounding cold, would you be holding their hand or sitting at their bedside? Or would you be comforting another relative who feels the loss at a deeper level? If the latter, (assuming the wedding is only one day) could you not offer lots of comfort and support in the days after the wedding? Personally I'd go to the wedding but obviously I wouldn't make it all about my imminent bereavement. If you feel you won't be able to muster some cheer on their special day then give it a miss.

Original poster
Lavennderr · 21/08/2025 18:29

@ginasevern Im not close to the relative however I do care for them and they've been in my life since I was born. My whole family at the moment are being greatly impacted. It's been distressing hearing my dparents and siblings crying to me.

I saw my relative in hospital on their death bed and to be honest it's made me feel really upset. I'm just not in the headspace at the moment.

Maybe I will feel differently the day of the wedding. Which in that case I could see how I feel. But at the moment, knowing my drelative is dying, I just can't bring myself to go.

OP posts:
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