How do you approach the topic of weight with your kids?

[Dumbledormer]

My kids are only young (4 & 2) but my eldest is starting to pick up on food that is healthy and foods that are “treats”. We do the usual message of healthy foods make you big and strong, carrots help you see in the dark etc and in general how healthy foods make you feel good but too many treats will make you feel rubbish. We haven’t ever discussed weight which is fine for now but I am unsure of how to deal with the topic as they get older.

I have been reading a few posts recently that give the impression that talking about weight can lead to a whole load of issues so most parents focus on what healthy foods do for your body and completely skirt around the fact that unhealthy foods in excess will cause weight gain which causes health problems. I understand it’s to try to prevent any disordered eating but I also think we should be able to speak to our kids about weight and why it is important to maintain a healthy weight throughout our lives.

I'm on a weight loss journey at the moment, have almost lost a stone and my boys 9 and 6 have seen me counting calories and actively choosing better food options, exercising more etc. I never mention the word fat but I do say when asked that I want my body to be stronger and fitter and losing weight will help with those things.

I don’t feel like you do really. Just keep modelling healthy behaviours and reiterating the nutrition element of things. Also, there’s a push back for experts now against labelling foods as ‘good’ ‘bad’ ‘treats’ etc as it’s believed that can lead to disordered thinking and that there should be balance from a young age. Nurseries are now required to say ‘first course, second course’ rather than pudding for example. Food for thought (excuse the pun)

It feels like there’s no right way as mentioning and not mentioning has caused damage to people. My mum both let me eat what I wanted but then talked all the time about diets and that I was fat.

I show my kids I eat healthy food and exercise because I want to be healthy and strong, not slim. One of my children is overweight but when I talk about stuff I say it about us all as a family rather than directed at her. I buy healthy food but do let them have unhealthy stuff sometimes because restricting it has also been shown to cause problems.

I think we either love food or don’t, love exercise or don’t

We talk a lot about being healthy and how being overweight can contribute to certain diseases, in a very factual way. Never linked to beauty/appearance/self worth.

For example I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and I’m very clear with late primary aged DC that it’s important I keep my weight at a healthy level to reduce the strain on my joints. Similarly I explain to them it’s important I exercise to keep strong to help me stay as healthy as I can.

You model proper eating and at their age they probably eat with you at most meals eating the same foods? Try not to fall into the nuggets and chips route. Do not ‘reward’ kids with sweet treats. Yogurt and fruits are very good desserts. But YOU need to be eating the right foods too and in correct portions, with junk foods only on occasion.
Weight is a very emotive topic so no I don’t think you do need to talk about that much. ‘Healthy’ and ‘fit’ should be the subject rather than fat or slim - and a heavier person can be as fit as a slimmer person so it doesn’t equate.
Just eat well and your children should follow. Keep active and include your kids in walks/bike rides/trips to the pool and playground.

Yes, I’ve read about labelling food as good and bad too and I don’t love using “treats” to describe certain foods but equally, there has to be some way to differentiate between fruit and icecream (for example) along with an explanation for kids otherwise mine would help themselves to icecream out the freezer after every meal.

I agree with this. If you're talking lots about how food makes you FEEL there is no need to mention how good makes you LOOK. It's how you feel and not how you look that's important anyway.

If you're stressing healthy choices and a healthy lifestyle they aren't going to be fat anyway so it's not a conversation you need to have.

I think ignoring it completely isn’t going to help and I think children need to understand some foods should be limited (no large, frequent portions of high cal foods).
I have a tricky position as I was overweight as a child and have struggled with food my whole life but one of my children is borderline underweight and struggles to eat enough calories (major sensory& interoception issues). I have to encourage calorie intake for one child whilst being mindful the other children may be prone to gain weight like me.
They know they have to have tried to eat a reasonable meal & attempted a somewhat balanced meal if they want a pudding - so they should eat some veg/fruit with some protein and carbs. That said they always have a choice of safe foods to choose from that I know they can eat without difficulty and if they say they are full or dislike something I wouldn’t tell them they have to eat more so they keep ultimate control.
Eldest seems to want to spend money on junk food in the local shop and this is how I gained a lot in my teens so I find myself trying my best to stop that and make it an occasional treat only. They do not yet have the skills to resist and buying food in a shop is far more appealing to them than eating the same food at home. I have highlighted the cost to their health and impact to their fitness/weight if they do this regularly. I don’t think being anything but blunt will help alter the behaviour tbh.

Literally never discussed weight with my kids (8 and 4) except in the context of weighing them to adjust the bindings on their skis. We talk about healthy foods, good choices, what your body needs to grow, how too much of certain foods can cause a stomach ache, listening to your body and stopping when you’re full. Nothing is off limits or heavily restricted, we do keep biscuits and crisps in the house but they are just as likely to ask for a banana as a pack of wotsits. They’re both very active, play sport and in term time at least are kept quite busy so I think we strike a good balance. May have to change our approach as we get to the teen years and they have their own money to spend and perhaps doing less sport but for now it works well.

I have a 3 year old and she’s also picked up on the concept of “treats”. I’m not sure where from - possibly grandparents but could also have been me without realising, as I am broken and do see a bit of chocolate as a “treat”. I know food shouldn’t be used as a reward or seen as a treat but at the same time, I do think the concept is hard to avoid because it’s everywhere! So what we decided to do in the end is say things like “ooh shall we buy these extra shiny strawberries as a treat” then when she says can I have a treat we say yes you can have the extra juicy shiny strawberries we bought 🤣 it’s working so far 🤷‍♀️ I don’t expect it to last though.

I don’t think there necessarily is a right way. I understand that there is a lot of anxiety about linking food, weight and appearance in the UK. My kids have grown up in France where everyone tends to be quite direct about this, and parents / grandparents / doctors and other medics will not hesitate to point out that a child is overweight and that this is a coven . There is also an open acceptance that looking good / appearance is important, it’s part of showing self-respect and that body weight is part of how you look. Big is not Beautiful here - it’s a cause for concern and something to be acknowledged and dealt with.

IDK if French kids grow up with complexes as a result 🤷‍♀️. What I do know is that none of the friends that my kids have had round our place over the years have been overweight. In their primary classes of around 30 children, there were maybe 2 that were overweight, and none were obese. Now they are teens they are into fitness and they watch what they eat. Looking good lis definitely a priority for them, and I don’t think they have any hang ups about acknowledging this openly.

I didn't talk to them about weight AT ALL until very recently. DDs are 20 and 16. I thought it was very important to not do so. To not stand in front of the mirror and say that I hate my body or that I am fat in front of them, in spite of the fact that I did spend 17 years in the overweight and occasionally in the obese range since having them and was very slim in my 20s before I had children, though was slightly overweight in my mid to late teens. DH has always been slightly overweight.

I talked about having a healthy balance of food and have never restricted food or snacks for them, or made any issues around meal times. When they were small and fussier I asked them to try a few forkfuls of the food if it was new to them and then they could have bread and butter instead. I also modelled that being active and exercising is very important and enabled them to be active. I got them involved in food preparation from a young age and choices of what we were going to eat. They are both decent cooks and can feed themselves with quick, healthy meals.

They have never been overweight or had any issues with food apart from fussy phases when they were little. They are sporty, active and good eaters, and their teeth are really good. Recently they are very health conscious. DD1 has kept up her dancing and DD2 goes to the gym and plays football.

Recently I have lost weight and have taken mounjaro to get back to a healthy weight. I've been open with them about this and talked about it in terms of being lighter means I'm less likely to have a heart attack at a younger age, get type 2 diabetes (things they have seen in my parents) or have a whole host of other obesity-related problems. I do say things like "It's really nice that this outfit fits me now and I feel confident to wear it" but I am clear with them that my weight loss and taking a drug to help me was for health reasons.

I don’t. I’m upset that school have taught my daughter (age 7) that there is “bad” food, last week I asked her to pick some olives and she chose a pot because it had “less oil and oil is bad for you”.

Im now having to drum into her that food is food, too much of any one thing isn’t great and olive oil is perfectly bloody acceptable.

That's so annoying.

Try using ‘often food’, ‘sometimes food’ and ‘rarely food’. Veg, fish, meat, eggs, milk = ‘often food”. Pizza, chips, takeaways = ‘sometimes food’. Sweets, cakes = ‘rarely food’. Adjust to suit your family’s diet.

Just to add, my weight has been constant since my early 20s and I’m mid 40s now, we eat food we like. We go to MacDonalds but we also cook home grown vegetables, we try foods and recipes and I’m hoping to encourage the kids to cook more to foster a love of ingredients.

When DD was little it wasn't really a big thing. My food rules meant she ate healthily anyway and she had a varied diet and was a healthy weight. However, she was diagnosed with PCOS around 13 so our conversation started to be different. I had PCOS and my weight has always been an issue. We do use the word 'fat' because I have been fat and for me it is not healthy, aspirational or attractive. She knows what foods are really unhelpful for her PCOS management. I'm now on MJ and losing weight and she's the only person who knows. Losing weight for me is something to celebrate and I'm not going to hide that.

I agree with the pp regarding the French way,

We overanalyse what we say these days and pussyfoot around things like a healthy weight far too much.

Too much excess weight is unhealthy, in a child who has no control over their meals, its neglect.

My children (youngest is preteen), are well aware of food that is healthy...natural, unprocessed, not made in a factory with chemicals. They both understand that eating sugar and UPFs can cause a whole host of medical issues, including weight gain.

Likewise, I've taught them about the toxicity of alcohol, drugs, cigarettes and vapes.

I'm not sure why anyone who agonise over how to broach any of those subjects. Health matters.

I wouldn't talk about weight - I would focus on health. We talk to our 4yo about his body needing lots of different types of food to work well (he has a tendency to want to eat the same thing a lot) and we do ration certain foods; he's only allowed honey on his porridge on the w/e, for example, because it's an easy rule that means we don't have a debate about it every day and he doesn't get used to his porridge always tasting sweet. We are very active as a family and talk to him about food being fuel for his body.

I come from a much blunter (and thinner) culture and I don’t really agree that saying eating something in excess makes you fat and unhealthy pushes kids into a spiral of disordered eating. We don’t have daily puddings and never have, we don’t “plate up” food then insist it’s all eaten, we do eat a wide variety of food, the majority of which is healthy. We don’t say fat is bad and sugar is bad but do say fatty and sugary food shouldn’t be eaten in excess and do say no to the second slice of cake. We have an ice cream at the beach but not 500mls of Ben and jerrys while watching tv. Junk food isn’t a “treat” - it’s something you eat when you are on the motorway or don’t have time to cook. Our diet is naturally low in upf and faux healthy foods such as margarine or sugar free sweet foods. My dc are older and when they were in primary the government was handing out shitty leaflets saying they should have reduced fat cheese and sugar free squash so that was a good talking point.

Likewise, I've taught them about the toxicity of alcohol, drugs, cigarettes and vapes.

Also this. It’s easy to say if you vape you damage your health and your bank account and look like a dick, if you do cocaine you will be poor, daft, and can lose your septum/job/driving licence/life. Smoking leads to lung disease for all smokers and cancer for some - and My God, the expense! Heroin is highly addictive to the point where addicts are prostituting themselves (or being prostituted) on the streets for the next hit. Don’t do drugs. Why do people who find this sort of health messaging easy tie themselves in knots when it comes to having a shit diet?

You could use ‘everyday food’ and ‘sometimes food’??

my kids are older so now I talk about 80/20 and that making sure 80% of food is good for our body and 20 percent can be rubbish.

But I agree; I don’t know how you avoid using bad / negative language around eg sweets and chocolate whilst educating kids about healthy eating it’s always baffled me!

We talk about having fat rather than being fat - and that some people have more fat. But that generally reinforcing bodies come in all different shapes and sizes and keeping healthy is the main thing.

Generally I try to lean into science / biology language when talking about food / body shape so it’s totally factual with all the emotional stuff removed.

Definitely don’t use food as a reward or treat or ‘oh no you’ve bumped your head would you like a biscuit’. That just sets up an emotional eating response.

I also tend to focus on sugar consumption rather than nothing else as that sorts out the worst contenders. I talk about how sugar damages teeth, and puts body until strain processing it so we can have some and body is fine but too much is really bad for us.

@OhDorWheresthesaladcan I ask how you went about getting your dd diagnosed with PCOS? I also have it and was overweight as a teen and had bad acne, unfortunately seems dd 14 has likely inherited it from me. She’s now on Dianette for her acne but so far 2 months in no improvement and it’s making her very emotional and tearful a lot. Since puberty really ramped up 2 years ago she’s steadily gained weight and is now very unhappy with her body. When we spoke to the GP about it he said she was too young to be tested for PCOS?! That there was no treatment anyway and she was already on Dianette, so just eat healthily and exercise. Unfortunately that hasn’t made any difference.

I’m very reluctant to start counting calories, it’s the thing that helped me lose weight and keep it off but I feel she’s too young

My daughter who is 26 said recently that I was the only mother among her friends growing up who never badgered them about their weight. My daughter is slim/normal size and always has been. Sweets were not forbidden but not demonised either.

Model good behaviour. Cook from scratch where possible. Try and choose healthy snacks if buying stuff in but don’t routinely offer and don’t routinely buy crisps etc.

DON’T associate food with consolation for emotional upset or physical pain or a ‘treat’ for good behaviour.

Talk about the traffic light system - green goods you can eat everyday, amber foods you can eat maybe once or twice a week and red foods that are a now and again thing. Never diet. This isn't something kids need mirroring.