Would you find it strange to date someone who’s not been in a relationship for a long time?

[borrowedwardrobe]

I’m F/50 and haven’t been married (no kids) and had one long term relationship about 15 years ago. At the time I thought he was ‘the one’ but turned out he was a just a cheat. I’d say it took me a good couple of years to get over it and over the next few years, I got quite ‘comfortable’, gained a fair bit of weight (around 4 stone) and then lost my nerve for dating.

I’ve got a lovely life though, good friends, house I love, successful career and I guess the time has just whizzed by without me noticing. Once I hit 49 and 50 was looming, while I’ve never particularly wanted kids, I started to think about relationships again. I started getting healthy and have lost a good chunk of weight and my confidence has come roaring back. I am tempted (as soul destroying as it might be) to do OLD again. However I feel like the ‘gap’ in my relationship history (bit like a gap in an employment history) might be a problem for some men. Would they think it weird or a bit sad?

Wonder if anyone else has been in this situation? I sort of dread the ‘why are you single’ question which can come up! My honest answer would be that I got fat and comfortable and lost my confidence! Wouldn’t actually say that on a first date of course. Otherwise, life is full and up until this point I haven’t really felt like I ‘needed’ a relationship. It is possible to live a good life without a relationship - up to this point, it’s defo been my experience.

I’ve NC for this but hopefully I don’t get too many narky responses. I’m definitely only just finding my confidence again.

I never understand why some people have to list out their entire dating history. Me and DH have been together 12 years and I know nothing about his exes. I’ve never asked as I don’t care!! Someone that wants to know your entire history is a red flag for me anyway.

I’m 45 and have been single since 30 except for a few relationships that didn’t last more than 6 months.
Right now it’s been 2 years since anything with anyone.

Im proud of it - it shows I don’t need someone and I’m not desperate to settle!

Yip I've not been dating/in a relationship/had sex since 2014 when my last relationship ended.

I thought I was taking a break for a year or so (which I needed cos I had broke up, moved house, started a new job so lots to cope with)

Then one year turned into two as I bought and renovated a house.

Two turned into 3 as I dabbled with buying and renting flats in a sought after city.

Year 4 my dad got ill and I moved to help with him.

Year 5 dad died and mum was sick by then. Got told she didn't have long but it turned into 4 years of being a carer.

Like you I put on some weight, didn't have any time or interest in dating whatsoever.

However here I am 11 years later with folks dead, estates sorted and getting myself back in shape/making best of myself.

Like you I'm terrified at the prospect of getting back out there. Plus I'm in my fifties now so that brings it's own host of problems.

My goals for the next 12 months is finish losing weight, look after hair and skin better ie try to make most of myself physically. I'm also doing therapy for my mental health.

In 12 months I'm planning on moving house and I reckon I'll give the dating sites another whirl.

I've decided to do both alongside each other so that I will be focused on packing/viewing/moving and so won't put do much importance on the dating side.

i don't work anymore so I should have time to do both.

My priority will be to sell my house and buy another (within same area) but the dating thing still terrifies me.

If nothing comes of it then I guess I have not lost anything and I'll feel better in my new house regardless (not terribly keen on the one I live in at moment).

Another scenario that has crossed my mind is that I must be in peri at moment but no sign of periods stopping. If my sex drive dies a death then I might just not bother at all and perhaps just join some meet up groups to socialise a bit more and/or get more pets.

It's a tricky one. I can 'explain' my long gap if anyone asks so I suppose there is that. If you have other things you have done I would just use that to explain the gap rather than mentioning your weight.

Dating at any age is scary but this feels terrifying even though mentally I should be in a much better place than before.

I wish you luck whatever you decide.

No.

I think it’s fine and ultimately you don’t have to share any of this with someone new. There’s nothing wrong with taking time out to yourself and if you are really worried about that conversation just say you’ve been too busy for a relationship.

Go for it, if you meet the right person they won’t care about that anyway.

I dated one guy who at the age of 38 hadn't had a relationship for the past 5 years and his longest ever being 6 months. I wondered why because he seemed great but it quickly became apparent he had various issues. He was all talk, but not forthcoming on a lot of things. Not saying that's the same for everyone but certainly something I would consider if I ever found myself single and dating again.

I reckon it's a lot more common than people admit.

Many many women who find themselves single parents can be out of the dating game for years while they wait for the children to grow up before they date again. I don't think they find themselves particularly disadvantaged when they do decide to start dating again.

Mind you, increasingly many of them are deciding not to bother and remaining single (I'm one of them). So I'd say you aren't going to be out there alone as a 'returner after a gap', OP, although I've heard such horror stories about dating that I wouldn't be surprised if you stay on the side of us singles!

I'd rather date someone who had a long term relationship many years back and then just didn't prioritise dating, than someone who seems to leap from one very short liaison to another.

But frankly I don't really need to know who someone dated before. I certainly wouldn't want to start telling my new partner about all my exes.

I'm a human being and interesting in my own right. Nothing to do with how many people I've shagged or dated or married or whatever.

Though obviously if I had kids I'd be open about that and probably mention their other parent.

After posting this, I was thinking how I’d feel if I met a man in the same position as me. It genuinely wouldn’t bother me as long as he’d been doing something with his life. If he’d got ‘stuck’ after a relationship and hadn’t really progressed in any way, I’d wonder if he had some bigger issues but if he’d moved forward in his life, it wouldn’t be a problem.

And yes, I am thinking it’s more common that people might realise. For me it’s been relatively easy to put relationships into a mental box and carry on with my life ok. Even now I’d say that I’d like to have a relationship but I’ll still be ok if it doesn’t happen. Hopefully that means I’ll no longer be willing to put up with the nonsense that I did with the cheater ex!

Ive been single for years.
As i said on a different thread i do bed not dates.
I dont want to know anyone's life story or their past.
It works for me.

I wouldn't really mention it tbh, I think anyone asking at the early/dating stages is a bit of a red flag and they should mind their own business. You're right, life can be full without a relationship, and yours has been, but now you actually quite fancy dating, so you're doing that. I'd go more down the "I feel like I'm now in a place where I can prioritise dating and want to share my life with someone" rather than the line of "I felt I wasn't attractive/didn't have the confidence before now" but either way, it's not any of their business really (until you're in a longer term/settled relationship and then it shouldn't matter because they should care about you)