DS shoplifted today

[Chatec]

Hi everyone I don't post much here but I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Sorry this is long and prob all over the place I'm typing in my post and stressed

My ds is 16, I've always been a single mum and he's generally been a good kid. I thought I'd escaped the teenage years without drama but I was so wrong. He's gone from being polite, helpful and awkward socially to me feeling like I don't know my own son anymore.

He came out as gay last year, all fine no issues there. Then earlier this year he started dating a boy, 18 ill call him k. I tried to be supportive even though I was worried about the age gap but since being with k his behaviour has changed so much.

K’s family is complicated, mum not around, living with dad but I'm now sure how involved he is or what he's like. His older brothers seem to be involved in crime. One in prison. I try not to be judgmental but they live in a “rough” part of town. He doesn't work, or go to college or do anything really. DS used to save his pocket money that he got from myself and my mum but I've found out he's been giving it to K for weed, he says he does it because k’s family doesn't help him

K is “dl”(down low and from what I've googled it means closeted?) so doesn't want to be seem romantically with DS and they never go to his so they're always here. It honestly feels like he's moved in even though we've not spoken about it and the answer would be no! He's got clothes here, showers here, raids the fridge uses DS’s Xbox.

Today was the last straw really. Got a call from the local shopping centre, DS has tried shoplifting some clothes. I got there furious with DS to find out he was with k but he managed to run and get away but DS however didn't. They let DS go with no action as it's his first time but warned him if it happens again he'll be banned and reported to the police. However, he didn't give them k’s name. DS then let slip that he was arrested a few weeks ago so if they found out that'd impact whatever he was arrested for (DS hasn't said, he says he doesn't know I'm not sure if I believe him). I know he's worried about his gcse results but this is another level and inexcusable.

I've told him K isn't welcome here anymore and he started crying and shouted at me that I'm homophobic, K gets him and makes him feel less alone and said I'm trying to break them up. I'm worried this will make DS feel like he isn't welcome here himself if his bf isn't but I don't know what else to do, if DS was a girl i’d feel the same if not more worried because then there'd be pregnancy risk, this is one thing I'm grateful for

I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Haven't used MN in years

Gosh I am so sorry OP. This sounds a really difficult situation and very delicate. I am wondering if this meets the coercion /financial abuse criteria.
I think you did the only thing you could and explain that you love him and didn’t see shop lifting and giving money away for weed as part of his future : and how does he see himself in the future with this relationship.
he was very close to damaging his future prospects and he needs to be scared about that. The age gap is one of those grey areas- I am wondering if he needs some social services input for potential coercion

K gets him because your ds keeps him in money that buys the weed.
K family are the homophobic ones not you.

Thank you, DS was 16 in Jan, K’s birthday is may so their age gap is just under 2 years k it still makes me uncomfortable. I've tried telling him bf clearly isn't a good boyfriend if he happily left him to get into trouble but it hasn't gone it. It's like it hasn't gone in. I smell the weed on them both when they come here, I've found it in DS’s room and grinders etc. I don't believe DS is also smoking weed although I may be naive. I think he's just keeping it for K

I think all you can do is just keep being as patient and open as you can . Can you get him out and do some one on one time with him to reconnect. You are no doubt deeply upset about your loss of connection

You sound like a really caring good mum to your DS.
And your DS sounds as though he's a good lad as well.
It's unfortunate that he has fallen in with k who is likely very skilled at manipulation in getting what he wants, and has a family that is teaching him all of the things that you have never showed to, or taught your DS.
You've given your DS the gift of loving acceptance , and unconditional love,which looks like k has never received.
I'm sure you've already done this but if it were me I would sit down with my DS, tell him that I love him and will stand by him and support him as I've always done.
I'm sure your son values the relationship he has with you.
You would want him to stand back and look at himself from the eyes of the law, and from your eyes and even from his own.
Really I think that's all you can do.
It's really heartbreaking for you to see this happening after all the years of having such a close relationship.
I believe you will have that again but your son is young, and unfortunately it often does take a major scare to jolt one so that one is able to see, in this instance k, for what he really is and how he's using your DS to satisfy his own needs above all.
That's not love, and your DS will likely see that for himself, hopefully soon enough.
But you may have to be very patient and always make sure you keep the lines of communication open with your DS, with patience, love, and kindness.
Your DS is still there ,still the young man you love and care about, but it may take awhile for him to realise this , that it's you who is always there for him, not k.
Wishing you all the best x

You've done the right thing, but for him it's a big deal losing K and that's okay but it doesn't mean you are wrong. Have a conversation with him about the drugs and crime and how you don't want his life to go down the wrong path - hope he sorts of gets that and that you love him. I'd also take him to do things with you, whether that be sports or theatre or youth clubs for gay children, where he can meet other people and not feel so alone.

I'd also take him to do things with you, whether that be sports or theatre or youth clubs for gay children, where he can meet other people and not feel so alone.

I agree with this @TheLivelyViper .
I thought afterwards that @Chatec's DS sounds as if he is wanting to be helpful towards k, he wants to help him he wants to look after him.
If he went with you somewhere where he could spend time, and perhaps even eventually volunteer, he might feel useful and helpful, maybe less alone and it might satisfy his urge to nurture and/ or take care of someone else who is in genuine need of care.
Right now he's misguided in helping someone who clearly appears to be taking full advantage of him.

Does he realise he will eventually get into some real trouble if he continues to shoplift.
He will be a lot more upset if he ends up being convicted.
I wouldn't let him stay anymore.
You could compromise and say he can come round for few hours but no more using the shower or being fed. And no staying overnight.
I also wouldn't give your son any money .