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Original poster

Child’s father died and no one told us

14 replies

Stressedout1980 · 17/08/2025 18:58

My relationship with my child’s father was difficult. He was violent and didn’t support us, financially or emotionally. My child last saw him at 4 and last had phone/video contact about 7 years. She is now a young adult with SEN. I found out this weekend (by chance) that he has passed away 3 weeks ago and already had the funeral No one reached out to us although family members previously had via Facebook for other things. My child is devastated. They have no closure and is struggling to process this. How can I help them? They want to travel and see the grave

OP posts:
PInkyStarfish · 17/08/2025 19:02

Don’t contact his family and be accusatory. But do contact them to say that his daughter is upset and would like to visit his grave and perhaps chat with relatives about his life.

Original poster
Stressedout1980 · 17/08/2025 19:19

Thank you. That was my plan. It’s very hard to know what to say after so long. He wasn’t a nice man but I understand they are still grieving and will be upset. I just want to protect my daughter as for them it is easier if she doesn’t exist.

OP posts:
Driftingawaynow · 17/08/2025 19:28

So sorry you guys are going through this. You might also find it helpful to have your own private service just the two of you, or with your extended family/friends. My long estranged dad died a few years back and I did something a bit like this just on my own, it gave me that sense of a formal goodbye.
another nice thing- the good in him lives on through her. Factually correct and comforting

Arlanymor · 17/08/2025 19:32

Ritual can be really important to help deal with grief. I wouldn’t recommend going to the gravesite before the headstone is up - which can take a few months because the ground has to settle - as just seeing a patch of earth is quite stark.

I agree with a PP that you might want to mark his passing in your own way with your daughter and anyone else close to you - would she be open to thinking of ways to do that? I have a difficult person in my life, when they go they won’t be having any kind of a ceremony so it will be down to us all to do what makes sense to us on a personal level. I’m going to donate to a charity in their name and I have a few other ideas brewing that I am not decided on yet.

myplace · 17/08/2025 19:36

Was he likely to have left an estate? Sometimes people think they can keep it quiet for those kind of reasons.

The gravestone takes about 18 months- though if he was cremated the stone will be quicker.

Cerialkiller · 17/08/2025 19:37

She's missed the ceremony but she/you can create your own ceremony. Visit the grave, write a letter to burn, maybe even something more formal at a venue if there are a few people who would want space to mourn.

You have probably already considered this, but was he married? If not (or even if he was) and the family are avoiding contacting you, is there any inheritance to consider? If he has belongings it could also help to be able to claim some photos or other sentimental items in remembrance.

Original poster
Stressedout1980 · 17/08/2025 19:48

Arlanymor · 17/08/2025 19:32

Ritual can be really important to help deal with grief. I wouldn’t recommend going to the gravesite before the headstone is up - which can take a few months because the ground has to settle - as just seeing a patch of earth is quite stark.

I agree with a PP that you might want to mark his passing in your own way with your daughter and anyone else close to you - would she be open to thinking of ways to do that? I have a difficult person in my life, when they go they won’t be having any kind of a ceremony so it will be down to us all to do what makes sense to us on a personal level. I’m going to donate to a charity in their name and I have a few other ideas brewing that I am not decided on yet.

We don’t even know if he was burried or cremated! Hadn’t even thought about the stone,
just that she said she wanted to visit him to say goodbye even if he never bothered for her 😞

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 17/08/2025 19:51

Stressedout1980 · 17/08/2025 19:48

We don’t even know if he was burried or cremated! Hadn’t even thought about the stone,
just that she said she wanted to visit him to say goodbye even if he never bothered for her 😞

Show quote history

Thats so sad, I am so sorry. Hopefully family members can enlighten you.

Original poster
Stressedout1980 · 17/08/2025 19:52

Cerialkiller · 17/08/2025 19:37

She's missed the ceremony but she/you can create your own ceremony. Visit the grave, write a letter to burn, maybe even something more formal at a venue if there are a few people who would want space to mourn.

You have probably already considered this, but was he married? If not (or even if he was) and the family are avoiding contacting you, is there any inheritance to consider? If he has belongings it could also help to be able to claim some photos or other sentimental items in remembrance.

I definitely want to make sure she has a way and place to say goodbye that is safe for her to manage. It’s in another UK country so there travel and time off to think about. There’s unlikely to be an estate (couldn’t contribute to her, unemployed, etc) but who knows from all the things that are common out. I don’t want anything from him, maybe she would feel differently…

OP posts:
Newstove · 17/08/2025 20:35

If there is an estate she has a right to at the least a share of it, so I think you need to follow this up on her behalf.

I understand you wanting nothing from him, but it's not for you, it's for her. Even if he had an old car you could sell for £1000, that's the very least she deserves.

As PPs have said, it may be why his family haven't contacted you.

Original poster
Stressedout1980 · 17/08/2025 23:02

Newstove · 17/08/2025 20:35

If there is an estate she has a right to at the least a share of it, so I think you need to follow this up on her behalf.

I understand you wanting nothing from him, but it's not for you, it's for her. Even if he had an old car you could sell for £1000, that's the very least she deserves.

As PPs have said, it may be why his family haven't contacted you.

True. So my daughter reached out on FB, it turns out there are multiple other children (allegedly) and debt! (Allegedly) they’ve apologised for not reaching out but won’t explain why not.

I can’t get my head around it. My daughter is moving fast with wanting to know information and I’m worried she’s not emotionally processing this

OP posts:
MounjaroMounjaro · 17/08/2025 23:10

Could you take her to a church or a cathedral and have her light candles for him as her own private ceremony?

myplace · 18/08/2025 06:26

Let her gather the information as she can, show her ways of settling herself- lighting a candle, writing a message to him and burning it, or turning it into a boat and floating it away on a stream, sending messages via butterflies and robins etc.

Reassure her that this isn’t a one and done process- she may have lots of moments where she’s sad or angry, and it’s ok to repeat the messages/candles etc as often as she wants.

In time, she may appreciate having other siblings and want to get to know them. That could be a silver lining to it all.

Original poster
Stressedout1980 · 18/08/2025 17:56

Thank you, some lovely ideas. I think she is desperately wanting to meet some siblings as she doesn’t have her father and that might not be reciprocal at this time. Everyone probably is in a little shock x

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