DS body dysmorphia- what to do?

[TidalTime]

DS (13) brought up in a conversation with me yesterday that he just doesn’t like his body whatsoever and it makes him frustrated because all of his friends ‘look better than him’. I tried to understand the issue more specifically and he pinned it down to a few things- one was he’s not strong as some of his friends (they all do martial arts and he has always felt he’s not good enough) or that his torso isn’t as broad. Also he said he doesn’t like his privates at all and wishes he could just get rid of them which broke my heart. I’m not really sure what best way to support him with everything? He definitely lacks confidence and self esteem and always has done which is an ongoing struggle. I didn’t get my period until 14, and I don’t believe his dad started puberty properly until 15 so my son’ll most likely be a late bloomer. Does anyone have any advice?

I don’t think this is body dysmorphia, just the awkwardness that comes with adolescence, so I wouldn’t turn it in to more than it is.

I would focus on talking to him and showing him lots of different body types, and encourage him to treat his body well, whether that’s a few new clothes, exercise class etc. also also explain to him that people go into adolescence at different ages and as both you and your partner were later, he probably will be too.

Do keep an eye on it, but it will likely pass

My advice is don't label him with a mental health condition.

He's 13 and very possibly going through that awkward self-awareness stage that most kids go through during puberty.

Just keep an eye on it for now and keep reminding him how different we all are.

This is not body dysmorphia, whcih is a complex psychological condition, this is being a 13y old boy. I have 4 sons. None of them liked their bodies at 13 and all of them thought their friends looked better. One was roo short, one was too skinny one hated his jawline etc. They are all objectively attractive boys/men.

I don't think its a good idea to pathologise puberty and being a teenager.

Does he eat well? Exercise? When my DS was that age he was small and behind his peers. I had a hard talk with him about his food choices - he would pick at the healthy meals I gave him, leave his lunch sandwiches and eat crisps and biscuits and anything crap he could get his hands on. He did plenty of exercise but I sat with him and explained how the mechanics of calories and protein works and how he needed to fuel his body, and how if he didn't eat excess calories and from good sources his body wouldn't be fuelled to build the muscle he needed in puberty and to support his development. He took it on board and started making more effort. Puberty kicked in and while he's still slim he's muscled and full height. Could you approach things from that angle?

Does he eat well? Exercise? When my DS was that age he was small and behind his peers. I had a hard talk with him about his food choices - he would pick at the healthy meals I gave him, leave his lunch sandwiches and eat crisps and biscuits and anything crap he could get his hands on. He did plenty of exercise but I sat with him and explained how the mechanics of calories and protein works and how he needed to fuel his body, and how if he didn't eat excess calories and from good sources his body wouldn't be fuelled to build the muscle he needed in puberty and to support his development. He took it on board and started making more effort. Puberty kicked in and while he's still slim he's muscled and full height. Could you approach things from that angle?

Why are you immediately pathologising this?

Thanks all, I should note I haven’t said anything about dysmorphia to him- I just said it here as I don’t know what else to call it. This isn’t the first time he has gotten upset about his body, he did cry, but I think it was due to his frustration of feeling like it was an ‘only him’ situation.

I did say to him people go through body changes at all different times but I think he struggled to believe me as from his perspective it’s only him that hasn’t.

his diet isn’t too bad, he doesn’t like sweets at all naturally, so he doesn’t intake a lot of sugar, however he can be picky with certain vegetables.

what helped with mine was getting them a gym membership at 14.

I can see why this would upset you. But I actually think it’s very normal for a kid their age to have these thoughts as their bodies are changing and they are developing an awareness of the bodies of others.

and really positive that they are speaking to you about this rather than bottling these feelings up.

if you don’t already, Make sure there aren’t conversations about bodies / body types/ commenting on bodies in the home. And keep encouraging open and honest communication with your child.

if they want to try a kids gym or sport, encourage and support this. Keep the focus on health and feeling good, rather than appearance.

Remind your child all the amazing things their body does and build their confidence in other ways.

you sound lovely and your child feeling able to talk to you about this is a testament to your great communication and parenting style xx

Teach him the difference between things under his control, outside his control and things that are illogical.

• strength is under his control, get him doing a sport or a gym membership
• growing and puberty are outside his control, there will be boys behind him as well, so give him context.
• his genitals will change as well, but I'd minimise this one to his face by just asking what the alternative is, what he actually means.

However, the genitals thing would secretly make me concerned he's watching porn and I'd tighten up the internet controls.

Thank you, I like the way you broke it down into things that can be changed. I’ll definitely use it with him.

I did ask and he’s not watching porn