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Original poster

DD is planning to move to Australia…

18 replies

Cryingoverspiltmik · 17/08/2025 00:51

I have name changed as I am embarrassed of my emotions and being a drama queen. Nobody knows about it IRL.

DD is mid twenties, applying for jobs in science as she is near completion of her PhD. Her chances are strong and we have supported her decision and helped with CV etc. We said we want her to chase her dreams and we will always be here for her. So, she is excited and hopeful and carefree as she should be.

But inside I have lost my marbles with living grief. What makes it worse somehow is that I have done this to my mother, over 20 years ago, moving to the UK and seeing her at best annually and not for six years now with COVID and war. She has missed on DD’s whole childhood.

I am worried about DD as we are close and she often comes to me for support and advice. How is she going to cope? I remember my first couple of years away from home were tough.

And selfishly, I just don’t see the point of living without time with her, able to support her if she children. I had her young, so don’t really know any different than having her in my life a lot. She has lived 3 hours away for the last 3 years and before that on and off at home while at uni, noe we see each other about once a month. I am 47 and feel like there is a long, purposeless slog to death if she goes. I have a good job and hobbies and friends, good health and loving DH, who has also cried on the quiet this week.

I know I need to suck it up but how?

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 17/08/2025 00:55

Maybe ask your mum how she coped in similar circumstance?

JulianFawcettMP · 17/08/2025 00:55

Absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. Be proud that you have raised a brave child who is going to take on the world. You are allowed to feel sad about it though.

And, if you can, see your mum asap.

Original poster
Cryingoverspiltmik · 17/08/2025 00:58

I can’t because she is frail with her mental health because of the war, though they didn’t want to even discuss moving. I do not want to stir those feelings, if she has found a way to cope. She has not once made me feel bad about leaving, so she has set a good example that way.

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TwoShades1 · 17/08/2025 06:38

I guess there is always the option to consider moving to Australia too, though there is no guarantee she will settle there and could easily move on to another country or back to home country. Which leaves you with either moving again or staying in Australia. Australia's is very nice place though.

Nessiesfoodprovider · 17/08/2025 07:27

It sounds as though you've been a great role model for your daughter in being a person who moved countries, had ambition, followed her dreams and so on.
Are you getting empty nest syndrome amplified because your daughter is planning to move across the globe and as well as thinking about what you might miss out on from seeing her adult life develop, you're realising what your mum missed out on and you've got guilty feelings from that? I think your age is also at play, do you suddenly feel 'old' now your daughter is finishing her education?
Talking all this through with a counsellor or therapist would be helpful I think. Do you have access to a welfare service through your job?
Finally, it's not too late for you to decide to go globetrotting again too! 47 is still young, you've likely got at least another 15 years working, what's stopping you from looking for a job in another country (apologies if your country of origin makes that tricky, which I guess it might as you mention the war).

TheSandgroper · 17/08/2025 09:07

There was a thread just a couple of weeks ago that had a lot of traction. A woman was saying her daughter is moving to Australia and she (the mum) was quietly distraught.

Perhaps have a look for that.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2025 09:33

At 47 you could easily do a trip every year and perhaps maybe meet your daughter in Dubai once a year too if she’s up for it. That’s what an old friend does with his mum and he says he actually gets better quality time with her on these holidays than he did when he lived a train ride away in the uk.
chances are she will want to come home after a couple of years, many do. My friend spend 7 years there and had two kids and that made her so homesick that she moved her Australian family to the uk. Not sure how happy her husband is about leaving sunny Sydney but she came back!
I think it’s scary but you have lots of fun trips ahead of you!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 17/08/2025 09:44

I did this to my lovely mum a long time ago. Except I decided to return home a decade later. So you never know what will happen.

My mum was marvelous. I know how difficult it must have been for her, but she was never anything but supportive of my aspirations.

My own dd may choose to do similar one day. She is going into medicine, and I'm not oblivious to how many doctors are leaving. If Reform gets in at the next election and dismantles the NHS, I'm certain that she won't hang around.

I will be devastated if she goes, but both DH and I have set the precedent, so I will put on a brave face and cheer her on. I have no right to hold her back and no desire to make her feel guilty. She has her own life to live and I want nothing more than for her to live it as she wishes.

These days, it's much easier to keep in touch than ever. We have video calls, texts etc...all things that didn't exist when I first left the continent that I grew up on. The world is a much smaller place. And you can visit.

We will adapt. It will be OK.

cestlavielife · 17/08/2025 09:49

This is very extreme
Please see a counsellor

just don’t see the point of living without time with her

Imagine how she would feel if you followed through?

You willget time with her if you plan and want
You have easy video calls which didn't exist 20 years ago
Etc

Sorrynotsorrybut · 17/08/2025 10:06

My mum guilt tripped me constantly with awful not so subtle digs about me moving to NZ. Played the martyr and told everyone how amazing she was for 'letting me go'. I don't for one minute expect you'll act like this OP but just watch any sly comments etc that may be made.

I have since moved back to the UK but we're not close anymore.

CrumpledBlouse · 17/08/2025 10:09

I spent 30 years living in various different countries to my parents. I now live about three mikes from them.

Cyclistmumgrandma · 17/08/2025 10:14

I lived in the USA for 3 years and remember how difficult it was to keep in touch as we couldn't afford to ring home more than once a month so had to rely on letters. Life is very different now with the ability to video call for free whenever you wish. She will still be able to come to you for advice and emotional support whenever she wishes.

wominzy · 17/08/2025 10:14

Deep down she probably feels a little "disloyal" for moving so far away from you. But the way I look at it, she knows you love her very much and is confident enough in your bond and the way you raised her to be independent, that she knows you will be ok.

And you will be ok. She could move to somewhere in UK or Europe and it would be more or less the same. I know Europe is closer, but sometimes because it IS closer the visits don't happen as often.

You have done a fabulous job raising this woman who is doing her own thing and knows you two will forever be loving mum and daughter. Let it happen, be happy for her and meet every so often at a halfway point to see each other. As pp said, often these catchup breaks together are far more valuable than visiting them in their adopted country. It's a holiday for everyone, and you could select a different halfway point each year.

Look forward to it - for her. You will be fine and so will she. She is alive and well, think about the alternative to that one.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 17/08/2025 10:18

It’s completely normal to find this very very difficult, and completely right to hide this from your DD.

Like all empty nesting the answer is to build your life up - whether she was moving to Oz or not, she’d be building more and more of a separate life.

How are you financially - can you afford to visit yearly? If not are you in a place to increase your earnings to do that?

Toastedpickle · 17/08/2025 10:22

TwoShades1 · 17/08/2025 06:38

I guess there is always the option to consider moving to Australia too, though there is no guarantee she will settle there and could easily move on to another country or back to home country. Which leaves you with either moving again or staying in Australia. Australia's is very nice place though.

Op can’t just decide to move to Australia! Do you have any idea of the expense and the difficulty of getting a visa, the skills needed, favoured age limits etc? Plus, her DD should be free to live wherever she wants without her parents following her around the world to try and gain their happiness through her. What a silly suggestion.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 17/08/2025 10:23

I spent my 20s all over the world but never for more than a year in one place did come back eventually and moved to uk (family in Ireland) and I see them loads as it’s a short flight

she’ll probably only go for a year or 2 op

does she have it in her head that she’s off forever ??

echt · 17/08/2025 10:26

Toastedpickle · 17/08/2025 10:22

Op can’t just decide to move to Australia! Do you have any idea of the expense and the difficulty of getting a visa, the skills needed, favoured age limits etc? Plus, her DD should be free to live wherever she wants without her parents following her around the world to try and gain their happiness through her. What a silly suggestion.

Show quote history

It's not silly at all. I know three people just in my road who've been able to get their parents over to live here. Yes, it does cost a ton of money.

I agree that following your children is not an automatic good.

PashaMinaMio · 17/08/2025 10:27

Our children are only on loan to us.

My daughter was living abroad, various countries, for a few years after University.

I too left home to work abroad but eventually came home to roost, my girl did too.

Id be looking forward to antipodean holidays, and some sunshine during our winters!

Focus on the positive. Communication and video linking is so instant these days.

Life turns on a sixpence. Who knows how it will pan out.

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