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Offering condolences - advice

10 replies

RandomTyping · 16/08/2025 15:41

I've just heard that one of our neighbours has died. He wasn't old, has a wife and teenage children. I feel awful for them, but not sure how to go about offering condolences. I didn't know them very well, but it's a friendly street - we would always stop and pass the time of day when passing. I feel like I should definitely go round and offer condolences, but at the same time I don't want to intrude - they're obviously going to be very raw right now.

I'm quite introverted and socially awkward - if it was me I'd probably hate people coming and knocking on my door, but obviously its the done thing, which is why I'm posting for advice. It happened yesterday. What do people think: go round and knock this afternoon, give it day or two and go round in person, put a card through so they know I'm thinking of them but don't have to deal with speaking to me? I'd rather put a card through, but that feels a bit cowardly and more about me than them - and I definitely don't want to be that person when they're going through this. Thoughts?

OP posts:
IMissSparkling · 16/08/2025 15:43

Absolutely do not knock on the door, that's very intrusive. Especially as you don't know the family well. Just write a card and put it through the door, that's fine.

x2boys · 16/08/2025 15:44

Post a card ,?
My mum died about six months ago different circumstances as she was 82
My Dad got a lot of comfort from reading the condolences cards.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 16/08/2025 15:46

Yes send a nice card. I think they will appreciate it.

Danikm151 · 16/08/2025 15:47

A card shows you care and means they don’t have to deal with being social if you knock the door

Yachtingaroundtheworldiwish · 16/08/2025 15:48

My DH died recently. I much preferred cards to people knocking on my door. Several neighbours gave me their phone numbers and said to call if they could do anything. I also had flowers sent, which was lovely.

24Dogcuddler · 16/08/2025 15:48

As PP has said not appropriate at all to knock or expect to speak to someone. A card is the thing to do. Just say you are thinking of them in the card.

medievalpenny · 16/08/2025 15:48

I would have preferred a card if I didn't know you well. I wouldn't think a card was cowardly (unless you were a close friend using it to avoid me) - I'd think it was caring.

stichguru · 16/08/2025 15:50

I think popping a card through sounds right. If you want to you could always write your number in the card and say they can ring you if you need anything,

BreezyPeachGoose · 16/08/2025 15:50

Random idea:
You could deliver a nice homeade meal for them to freeze or pop in the oven to save them having to prep a decent meal.
They'll be having a tough time and preparing dinner may be at the bottom of their list / motivation to do's.
(with a card too)

RandomTyping · 16/08/2025 15:59

Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate the advice. I heard about it via a neighbours' WhatsApp group. A few people said they were going around and taking food and flowers, but I think they've known them longer. The guy who messaged knows them better, I think, and said something along the lines of "I know you will want to extend your condolences to them", and I think it sort of put it in my head that you're supposed to go round. I'm second guessing my instincts because I really don't want to go round and just feel awkward, but don't want to be a dick if that would be the better thing!

I will put a card through and put my number in, and say to let me know if there's anything we can do.

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