How to date again & a general rant!

[kittykat36]

Its been 4.5 months since my toxic AF ex of 16 years left me and my children after i kicked him out and roughly 3 weeks and some spare change since he left again after coming back for a fortnight - love bombing me etc only to leave again as his rebound who punched him decided she wanted him back 😵‍💫 anyway im done playing those kind of games.

i wouldnt know where to begin with dating now? Im aware i definitely DO NOT want a relationship currently. But to go out and meet people see whats out there in the world. Even just a casual date. Enjoy life again?

i should be able to go out when he has my children 1 night a week but today proved it may be impossible. He was due to have the kids then suddenly brought them home citing ‘their homesick’ whilst running out of my gate. So he got to swan off to the rebounds home for the weekend like all their xmas’ have come at once. I did actually have plans tonight. Id arranged to go on a girls night out and had to cancel due to this. I felt guilty i was sad about missing my night out with friends but absolutely i know i will always put my kids first and this is their home. But man its infuriating! And because my head is still so muddled what with his toxicity and lying etc, this is the reason i only want some kind of casual date. See what is going on in the world. And i dont mean now just to clarify. Maybe in the not too distant future perhaps. Right now i need to deal with myself and whats going on in my head also. That should be easier as HES now blocked me i mean whatever id unfriended you and removed you from all of my social media regardless. But if that makes your story perfect you do that.

my neighbour is also a single mum and she is a gem! She offered to watch my kids one time if i want to go out with friends and basically said book it for a night when he doesnt have them so then he cant say anything to you or control you by bringing the children home etc.

Everyone brings up past times of me and him where hes controlled me, gaslit me, love bombed me, humiliated me time and time again. I just find it so hard looking back now to think why didnt i see that? Am i that naive? Why did i not leave sooner? I know im the villain in his story for kicking him out and honestly if people wanted to know what had happened id happily tell them everything that had happened i have no shame anymore but i gather people believe stories from those with whom their are friends/families and no good story ever starts/ends with the truth.

im just in such a messed up headspace lately. Sorry for the rant guys.

I hope things work out for you. Maybe you are looking for a social life rather than a date? Maybe you could find things you can do with your children rather than needing child care? How old are they?

He sounds toxic and like a mess. Like your kids shouldn't even be staying with him right now. I mean they said they were homesick part-way through one evening. Isn't that a signal.

But of course stopping things like that can lead to more tension from father, so maybe find a time to ask 'if he would like a break' from looking after the kids for a few weeks because 'he seems busy right now.' Gauge his response.

I would like to know what he says!

I think i am yes. My kids are 14 & 12 😊 xx

I cant stop him seeing the kids no but i will definitely ask if hes just rather have a couple of weeks without them. My kids are 14 & 12 so i tend to go with if they want to go they can if they dont then they dont. Its all such a minefield and an absolute headf-luck.

My number one advice is, and I have been in a similar situation to you, is to really try to calm the waters in your mind. You are feeling hectic, frenetic and reeling and the main key is to really slow things down. This will allow the water to calm in your mind, because you can't see, hear or understand anything when the water is choppy.

My number one tip for this is to type 'metronome' into Google. One will come up pre-loaded. Press play, on medium volume, a beat will come up at 100bpm.
LIsten to it for a few moments, maybe 20 seconds, and the beeping will start to feel 'too fast'. Then, press the minus button a little bit, to a tempo that feels a little slower, I'd say around 87, then let yourself adjust to that. You will find yourself breathing inn and out quite nicely. This is getting your brain to slow down and is a technique I came up with that is fantastic for slowing thoughts and getting to a good state.

I find myself going around the house, with that sound ticking, and I keep noticing I could get it slower. So I do until is a slow, steady beat. I notice I am thinking clearer, and it's been a great session to just focus and center.

Do it any time you need!

Is three weeks long enough for you to recover and build your confidence back up from what you say was a toxic relationship.