If you retired before your OH what was it like when they retired?

[Starweaver]

Similarly, if you are retired and your OH still works, how do you think your life will change when they retire?

I retired a couple of years ago due to ill health. My DH is 66 and still works and his intention is to carry on as long as he is able to.

Since I retired I have got myself in to a nice routine. I'm up early, spend a couple of hours doing tidying, cleaning round the house, nipping to the shops etc. I spend an hour practising my piano playing without any interruptions. In the afternoon I sometimes go out for a nice quiet walk or I spend an hour or so watching an episode or two of a box set on tv - things like Doctor Foster etc, and I watch without anyone making comments about bad acting or plots that don't add up etc. I just enjoy them for the entertainment that they are.

DH as been on holiday for the last fortnight and we've both been at home. It's thrown me out completely. I've still got up early but he stays in bed until about 9 am. That's two and a half hours where I don't like to do any housework (we live in small flat so noise can be very disturbing), don't like to practise my piano (though it's digital and I could use headphones), I don't like to go in the bedroom to get dressed etc while he's asleep in case I wake him up so I'm still slobbing around in pyjamas which means I don't go outside to fiddle with my garden, or make a quick trip to the supermarket. In the afternoon he sits and watches tv, which sadly means some sort of sport, which I find very boring.

I don't want my life after his retirement to be like it has been these last 2 weeks.

I’m single and nowhere near retired, but my 2p is you’d adjust and make it work. Maybe he’d start getting up earlier (he might just want
lie in now for the holiday), you could leave your clothes out the night before etc etc. surely you must manage to cope with mornings at weekends ?

You’d also surely compromise on what’s on the tv or have two tvs going in diffenet rooms? My friend and her ex used to watch to together - he would have sport in the laptop with head phones while she watched her reality shows on the main tv.
what I think your issue is is that your husband is the boss/dominant one. It seems to be the rule that it’s his way or the highway. What would happen if you made noise early? Or if you said ‘I don’t want to watch more sport let’s put east Enders on?’ If you’d get snarled at maybe you’d be happier living alone for retirement

My husband has retired and I still work. I recently had two weeks off. My husband stopped with his routine (which is usually lots of DiY) and we had various trips out and generally did things that were outside both of our normal routines.

I do find that by still working there are times when I want to reset and read and he is very chatty. I never get time to myself at home, but get out a lot and get my "me" time then.

Next time your husband is off, can you agree to treat it as a a break from both your norms and do a few things that are different. I have quite a while to go before I stop work, but I know I want to do lots of things apart and together. Like you I wouldn't be happy if he decided to watch stuff on tv that I wasn't interested in and either stopped me doing my own thing or that was the only way of spending time together. He isn't like that though, so not expecting it to be an issue. Can you talk and ask him what his retirement might look like?

I had a very specific routine which involved voluntary work, meeting friends and hiking hobby groups. Unfortunately the week before DH retired I ended up in hospital. I was totally disabled for about 3 months and quite frankly I was a crabbit old harridan for that time as I was scared and in pain. So our start to his retirement was awful. We then bought a motorhome, my health had vastly improved but our huge trip has been 2 smaller ones as MIL was diagnosed with cancer 3 days after we bought it. We have managed a month away in it since buying it in April.

If he’s been off for two weeks why haven’t you been away, funds permitting obv. I think you need to change the routine a bit.

I wfh and DH has been at home a lot more due to his business being quiet and I’ve found it very difficult. My little routine go out the window so I do sympathise. We’re late 50s, not sure when we’ll retire.

He is probably knackered from work.

I am back doing voluntary work and he is doing lots of DIY that has been on hold. We will either be travelling or there are walks, films, lunches out, seeing friends. He is going to play golf with a mate and be doing that quite often I’m seeing three lots of friends next week without him.

i feel sorry for your DH, complaining he has a different routine to you on his holiday

grow up

Put some clothes in the bathroom so you can get dressed then go garden or out!

have a Tv or iPad you can watch elsewhere

When I am on leave I like to have a lie in too - the older you get, the more knackering work is, I don't think you can begrudge him getting up at 9am, plus that's really not late in the grand scheme of things. There are things you can do if you are an early bird - dusting is silent, you mentioned being able to use headphones for your piano practice, and could do the same for the TV if needs be. Also getting dressed really isn't a noisy activity - why not take your clothes to the bathroom and get dressed there after your shower if you really think that putting on clothes is enough to wake him. Then you can garden to your hearts content - at a cooler time of day - while he rests. In terms of the TV overall - you need to share or invest in another one.

But it's the holidays - aren't you making any plans together? They don't have to cost the earth - going for a walk, popping to a local cafe, seeing friends and/or family? I don't think that a week or two off work is the same as adjusting to a whole new retirement regime for the both of you - and maybe this has been useful in highlighting that it is a conversation that you will need to have nearer the time. Plus the person who retired first doesn't just get to hang on to their preferred routine - it will have to be a point of compromise for both parties.

I'm older than dh, and ready to think about winding down to retirement, maybe reduce my hours in a year or two. But I WOH shorter hours than dh and dh WFH longer hours than me. I totally get you, OP, with the tiptoeing around him when he's 'at work'. I love dh and I love that him being in the house frees me up a lot, but I cannot get on with things when he's working and I'm not. So the idea of retiring before him... is a problem.

He needs to adjust to you so you get a balanced compromise.

Have you told him what you’ve said here? Does he realise how much you have compromised for him this past fortnight?

He'll need a hobby such as U3A, Mens Shed, Train Spotting, Model Boat sailing, Bowls, Volunteering.

Exactly this

I am not retired but work part time. My DH still works FT. DC have all left.
I am not looking forward to DH retiring. I like my own space.
I totally understand where you are coming from...

We have lots of days out and fortunately DH has loads of outdoorsy hobbies that fill his time😀

You can’t really make him join anything when he retires if he’s not a joiner. Maybe you need to join things? Does he have hobbies or is work his hobby? I’ve seen many men who retire and become total homebodies so what happened in those 2 weeks might become the new norm OR he’s just been knackered!

When mine retired, he did take over the house which I’d been used to occupying in the way you describe and it was a shock to the system and a big adjustment. Men take up a lot of physical space and somehow take over it.

I was still WOH part time and also needed an office and we built a garden office long before wfh became the norm. This gave me space for all my things as well as a sort of she shed. Separate spaces are essential unless you’re the joined at the hip type which you don’t sound as if you are, though you will probably enjoy time together once you’ve adjusted.

I think you’re right to think ahead - so many couples don’t

So you don’t know if doing any housework (2 hours a day in a small flat with two adults how is there so much?) or if you got dressed you are just assuming in your head.

Did you not want to throw your, quite regimented regime out the window and you know just enjoy your husband being around?

When H retires, morning sex, actually that’s all that will change, because our marriage functions already, as in he apparently hates SATC, fair enough, so after film with the teens last night (Shawshank they hadn’t seen) they went to bed, last episode of And Just Like That, I had watched the previous one last weekend when he fell asleep, and as he thinks SATC is a pile of exaggerated female exaggeration you would think that he would be fine just with last episode on, he could read phone. But oh no no no “it’s a two parter” says he who shall not be interested. I said I don’t mind watching the previous episode again if you want to catch up but I can summarise in a couple of sentences, it’s not complicated. We watched both episodes, because he’s not interested, hates it, shallow nonsense!

So you see you don’t know what retired H will be like you are assuming.

Plus, he watches football, and likes me to join which I do, and I am quite fun, it’s really not about what’s on tv, unless it’s the last two episodes of SATC then it matters because he really doesn’t like that, apparently. (I do not and have never owned a pair of healed shoes)

Have a morning sex session you can basically do what you like then, you won’t go to your grave thinking I wished I’d had less sex.

What are his retirement plans when he does eventually retire? If they are to lie in every day and watch TV you have a problem. Strange way to spend a holiday but each to their own. A two week holiday is very different to retirement. You need to find out how he plans to spend time in his retirement. Does he have hobbies/interests/friends or is his life all work and TV?

What does he say when you discuss it between you like the adults you are?

I think the way you are / things you do when you have a week off from work, is quite different from the way you are when you are retired.

In time off from work I was a) always knackered, and just trying to 'catch up' with sleep and with just 'doing nothing', but also thinking I probably oght to catch up with jobs.

Since retiring, I can almost always get enough sleep - night after night after night, and week after week, so no longer need longer lie-ins or afternoon naps. I also am MUCH more relaxed about doing jobs - I know I can always do them the next day, if I get a better offer, or fancy going to read a book in the garden because it is sunny one day.

Don't get me wrong - it will take some readjusting again when dh retires, just as it took me months in the first place to get into any sort of routine after I retired. But we'll work it out as we have with all changes in our lives at different stages.

He sounds boring noted, needsca hobby.