Widowed - Is there a way to make it less awkward when people ask if you're married?

[Peaktime]

I was asked. Social situatuon, there'd been a discussion about "men" and all their flaws. Someone, being perfectly nice, turned to include me in the conversation by asking if I was married.

"I was for 20 odd years, but he died", brought an abrupt end to the light hearted slagging off of all men! No, wouldn't have been correct.

What should I have said?

Not your job to make sure other people are comfortable, but if you wanted to keep things light-hearted, just say ‘I was’?

My husband died almost 6 years ago - time flies - but if it comes up I just say that my husband died in 2019. I used to feel uncomfortable about saying it, but as the pp said it’s not your job to make them feel comfortable, and it’s a fact that many people will have to face at some point!

I'm in the same situation, married just over 20 years but now a widow, I think if I wanted to be smooth, I'd give an understatement like, 'I was for a while (so I know what you mean).' Brackets bit optional but useful so that the conversation keeps flowing. I wouldn't want the record to screech to a halt in a cheerful grumble about dirty socks or similar.

If you say you were, people assume divorce, which ridiculous as it sounds feels disrespectful to DH.

You could next time just say simply ‘I’m widowed now’ but from the way you describe it, your ‘friends’ seem quite shallow.

People do find death awkward. I have got used to it now, as I regularly have to tell people that my husband and only sibling both died. There is nothing you can really say to smooth over it, so just tell the truth and carry on the conversation.

Honestly I hate it when women get together and “light heartedly” slag off men and “all their flaws”.

I’d like to think I’d have made a point that if men are so awful why would we marry them. Or made a dark joke - you know men, so fucking awful I was glad when mine died.

in reality, like you I’d probably have smoothed things over so nobody felt uncomfortable.

abrupt end though hopefully meant they realised that actually they’re fucking lucky not to be widowed.

Just say it, OP, and don't worry about the sudden drop in temperature. It's not your job to make them feel comfortable. I've been in situations like this and I tend to follow up with something about how fabulous he was (always picked his socks up and had a hilarious way of chucking them in the laundry bin) and that I was very lucky to have the time I did with him. I don't want them to feel sorry for me because quite frankly I often feel sorry for them when I listen to the crap they put up with from their husbands.

I just come out and say it 🤷‍♀️. Nah I’m widowed, have been four years.

not my problem if they feel uncomfortable. Might be an unpopular opinion but I find I feel mild amusement at the 😱 faces these days. (I did used to smooth things over but I’m way past that point now)

I don’t want pity and I can still join in with the moaning sometimes, dh used to drive me batshit sometimes even if he was a lovely husband.

before dh I was in a really horrible relationship for years so I can definitely relate to what others say about their relationships

Get in their first before being asked? 'I know exactly what you mean, X used to do that too. No longer with us, bless him but I don't miss that bit.....etc'

I have this problem when folk talk siblings. I lost my identical twin as a child. "Do you have any siblings?" I can show stop a conversation very easily if I don't answer with care. I go with "not any more" as my opener and see where that leads.

How about, I was married and had a wonderful husband who is not with us anymore, then either talk about him if you want to, or ask them a question / change the topic (as you wish).

Or you could say how he died as that stops people wondering. He died of X but I remember him as a xyz.

You don't really know people's motivations when they are asking if you are married / engaged / single etc. Some people can be judgmental or dismissive or avoid difficult subjects, so just own it in the way you want.

Why should you? My husband died 10 years ago (feels like forever and yesterday at the same time)
He was 50, I was 45. I only ever say ‘died’ I don’t use euphemisms to make anyone feel better.

I agree, people in that situation are likely to be "oh yes see, she gets it...". I think honesty is best "I was, he died a few years ago, but my god yes, he could NEVER get him mto put his socks in the washing basket / to be fair hisother had him pretty well trained before I took him on" or similar. You're giving them the fact but also permission to keep talking

Echoing others: not your job to protect them from your reality ! It's a fact.

Or you could say "I am married. But my husband died. So I'm widowed now " if they feel awkward: their problem.

Also, slagging off your husband for cheap entertainment is childish. They should have more respect for their marriages. My DH drives me absolutely mental at times , but I do try to be selective who I moan to.

I’m a widow. I just say yes I was married but widowed some years ago.
My friends have no problem slagging off their husbands in front of me! I can share a few incidents too, though. In fact I was talking to one woman about him and after I ended my story she said ‘so what happened then’? (Meaning if it was such a good relationship why aren’t you still together). I forgot she didn’t know. I said ‘oh he died years ago’ but i obviously talk about him as if he’s alive and well!

"No, I'm a widow."
Smile.
"You?"