Please tell me your phrases to defuse arguments!

[BelindaLouisa]

I have a neighbour who is rather odd and currently looking after his daughter’s large Labrador. I can clearly see that he’s uncomfortable with the dog, the dog itself is fine albeit it young and boisterous, but he’s now shouting at me whenever we cross paths because I’ve got kids with me (the kids are also fine, the issue is that the dog pulls to go to them and the neighbour panics and today got pulled over.)

Details are tedious (we both live next to woods, I’m in the woods a lot with the kids) so, being super brief, I now want to pop in and ask how long he has the dog for and then we can ensure we avoid each other and hence avoid any issue.

The problem is clearly him rather than us but I don’t want to get into that with him, but suspect he might be an arse….. So give me your super polite, but firm, ways of defusing arguments. I have a tendency to overexplain or apologise when stressed so need to practise what to say first!

"I'm sorry you feel that way"

"There's no need to be rude, It's a perfectly reasonable request"

"We can disagree on that point but we need to find a resolution which works for both of us"

"Maybe we should discuss this when you are feeling a little more reasonable"

"Let me know once you've had a chance to think it through"

Well, it’s the neighbour’s issue to resolve, surely. I certainly wouldn’t go in to talk to someone who is regularly shouting at me, unless you feel actuslly at risk from encounters in the woods. Just keep doing what you’re doing.

Thank you! 1 and 3 may be useful!

" stop shouting at me"

He clearly can't handle the dog which is not your issue, it's his

Should all children, cats, birds, other dogs disappear because the dog is untrained?
Nope

@Battels he only shouted today when he was pulled over. The rest of the time he just kind of stands and looks. He won’t interact when I say hi or tell him we’ll walk back down to get out of his way. He’s quite elderly so I did initially wonder if he was deaf! As it’s a small area I am largely doing it to keep the peace tbh.

He is clearly out of his depth and not talkative. I think you should just carry on with your usual routines avoiding him where you can, and dealing with the situation on a case by case basis when you can't. I think jumping to ideas for diffusing arguments is a bit premature. He shouted at you because he is odd and stressed, it sounds like there wasn't a back and forth about it? You can be firm with a "don't shout at me" if it occurs again, and ask about the dog arrangements if the natural opportunity presents itself, but I can't see a door knock going well here.

Apologies for a drip feed, but my husband is coming back from his parents in two days with our dog - our dog is absolutely fine, but I can imagine the subsequent drama already!

Hence, I wanted to see if we can arrange a system where we can avoid each other with a brief chat. Also, odd as he is, I really don’t actually want to be the one there if or when he ends up being dragged over again and probably hurt!

So one instance of “shouting”
He sounds concerned and probably just knee jerk reaction

If he’s elderly and out of his depth he’s probably terrified of being pulled over and breaking something.

I’m not condoning his behaviour as being shouted at is unacceptable, but could it have come from a place of fear? Is he usually “reasonable”? (I know you say you don’t really interact with him much).

You owe him absolutely nothing but if it were my neighbour my husband (stronger than me) would be offering to walk the dog for him (if it were for a short time). If it were for the foreseeable then I’d suggest dog walkers (but that swings back to “is he usually reasonable).

No Op, don’t do this

There is lots of space for everyone

if you do see, just swerve

It really isn’t hard unless you’re only walk is along a canal path

He sounds desperate to keep his loud boisterous lab away from your kids, which I read as being very considerate

Oh yes - sorry, the op says ‘shouting.’ It’s uncomfortable, is a better description albeit one that might sound a bit too bland!

So he sees you and your kids
he has a loud and boisterous lab
he stands there keeping his dog away from your kids until you pass

Suck it up OP. He’s being considerate

I can't see that he's done anything that would lead to any sort of argument or falling out. So don't approach him with that in mind. Just ask what times he's usually taking the dog in the woods so you can go at other times. He'll be glad he can deal with the dog without worrying about your children.

I wouldn’t go to him but I would ask him about the dog next time when you were in the garden and he was. Just whose dog it is and how long he is looking after him . It will give you additional info to plan what to do next . Going specifically for a conversation and to arrange a rota sounds a bit too much . He maybe still working out how to cope with the dog so slow approach will be more beneficial imo.

Perhaps leave it to your DH when he gets back, they could have a man to man about dogs!

I agree if it's woods there should be plenty of room for all, by all means if you figure out when he usually goes for his walks avoid that time (if convenient to), but I wouldn't ask or try to arrange some sort of rota.

"I'm not comfortable with how we're communicating so let's pause here and come back to it when things are calmer"

This is tedious detail territory but we live somewhere very hilly and hence the path through the first part of the woods means you cannot go off it for a bit. It’s quite narrow too. I’ve walked back down with the kids to give him space, to a bit with a slight clearing, but the lab drags him as he gets excited. Once we are further into the woods there’s plenty of space but it’s the same area we cross paths in.

So he didn't shout

You are trying solve an issue that isn't yours to fix
Just keep walking

@PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich you’d think so wouldn’t you! But he just looks so pissed off when he sees us, and obviously today then made it worse. Hence, I wanted to be good with any potential decisions!

exactly

aside from one instance where he seems to have raised his voice

he has just stood there, keep the boisterous dog under control as children have walked by

Op if you’re honest and not exaggerating (which given your “shouting” description that turns out to be… once, I am guessing you’re prone to)… how often have you actually passed him on this one narrow part leading to the wood?

He's frightened of being pulled over. He's possibly also deaf. Why don't you offer to walk the dog for him. , you're going anyway and your children would love having a dog accompanying.

If he is angry he's pissed off with the dog, not you. I'd feel very stressed trying to wrangle an unruly dog! And I might unintentionally use a loud voice to protect passersby in a situation that I'm struggling to control. He couldn't possibly be angry with you.

“Sorry this is so awkward for us humans Mr Smith - the dog seems happy though!”