It's taken me a while but I think I've been judging DP for DH's behaviour

[Stripeshoe]

DH died several years ago. He was a "good" man, or at least what I was raised to think of as a good man. Kind, reliable, faithful, a good provider, a willing "helper" at home, but for everything home, garden, children, admin, the mental load definitely fell to me and even when he was "helping" he'd often need reminding.

I've been seeing a new man for a while. He's quite different to DH, but I'd say has the same basic principles. We don't live together, so his responsibility for helping me at home is completely different, but I've found myself ridiculously happy when, e.g. he gets up and does the washing up without being asked, and if I've asked him to pick up something on the way home, I'm assuming he'll forget, when he doesn't.

He's taken on a joint admin task for us today, to do with travel. Something I'd have always done in the past. I realised I fully expected to remind him in a few days, then eventually do it myself or fix what he'd got wrong 😆 but it's all done and looks correct.

Previously he did mess up on something similar, which could actually have been the company's fault, but rather than write it off or leave it to me to sort out, he kept plugging away with the company until it was fixed.

I'm not sure I like the realisation that DH might not have been that good afterall, or the damage living with him did to my psyche!

What makes a "good" man to you?

Your post is in very poor taste. You could have praised your new man without mentioning your deceased husband who isn’t here to defend himself.

Huh? The whole point is that my expectations are coloured by what I experienced before.

People have different talents and abilities. Comparison is the thief of joy. Just be grateful for a happy married and a kind local man. See how this new relationship goes but definitely don’t compare. It’s helpful to no one

Ignore the bitch plopper. It’s always hard not to compare partners. But look at like they are different. Different strengths and weaknesses. Different things you loved/love them for for

Sounds like your DH was a great man and fortunately you’ve met another good one. Just be happy with that and carry on as you are.

Don’t forget it’s early days with the new one. 20 years on you may not be quite so impressed.

Don’t compare them. It’s not fair to either.

OP it sounds like they're just two different people and you're getting used to someone different who has different strengths and weaknesses. No one is all good or all bad.

No, I'm not comparing them, but interested in my responses/expectations.

Frigging hell. I hope DH doesn't spin me into a trope of failed womaning if I go first.

Honestly as a widow myself I find this kind of weird. My late husband wasn't perfect but we fitted together as a good team. We each had our strengths and weaknesses; neither of us was perfect.....
With your new man, if it lasts, you will be a different kind of team.....but deciding your late DH wasn't so good because your new man has different strengths from him? weird and icky IMO

and again need the laugh emoji

Some people are being really unfair here.

OP, you’re experiencing a relationship with someone who is different from your late DH. Nobody is perfect, including your first husband. It is OK to acknowledge that someone you love has faults - it doesn’t mean he was a bad man, or that you didn’t love him, or that you’re disloyal for noticing the good things about your new partner. You don’t need to feel bad.

What a misery

I remembered not long after meeting my lovely husband getting very upset because I realised what a good relationship was actually like and that someone saw me as worth a lot of effort.

I never really realised how shit my ex was before that or saw me as someone special.

I'm very glad your with someone who thinks your worth doing things well for.

Looking at the husbands of friends and family I think a lot of women think their husbands are ‘good men’ when they’re anything but. I do hope people are raising their daughters (and sons) these days to raise the bar on what equal relationships look like.

I think you’re getting a hard time op. It’s natural that you’re going to find yourself struck by comparisons and differences. And it’s disconcerting when you find your sense of a person shifting.

I’ve found that people I’ve lost become sort of saintly in my memories for a while, and I can only remember good things about them. And the process of grieving continues long after the terrible sadness and loss, as you sort out all these issues and thoughts, often subconsciously, for years.

It can be a new kind of grieving to find that you’ve outgrown your lost person- that you’re older, with different experiences, and if they were suddenly, miraculously to walk through the door, you wouldn’t just ease back into each other’s lives.

It might be helpful to talk to a grief counsellor about this. Someone who won’t pounce on you, or judge you.

I get what you mean op. I divorced a very decent chap and have got together with a new, also very decent chap. But they are decent in different ways and it is odd sometimes to realise how out of sorts somethings may have been in the past. For me, it’s handling finances.

I get what you mean op. I divorced a very decent chap and have got together with a new, also very decent chap. But they are decent in different ways and it is odd sometimes to realise how out of sorts somethings may have been in the past. For me, it’s handling finances.

The way he conducted himself is a key part of the post though 🙄