Silent breakdown what do I do? TW

[UniqueGoldNewt]

hi, I need advice/ replies i dont know what to do. I have been through lots of childhood and adult abuse (all types) & have been depressed for years and left with anxiety and BPD. So as you can see I have some bad issues. I always remained hopeful in the face of despair but for over a month or so I’ve been stuck in a massive hole. When I used to have breakdowns before they would be explosive and very obvious, but now it’s like im stuck and having a silent breakdown if that makes sense. All I do now is sleep all the time even if I oversleep which I do, I just go back to bed because there’s no point of life itself- after all the abuse and cruelty i dont want to be here anymore i cant be asked. Im not actively suicidal but I see the world as bad and im fed up. The ironic thing is I am having panic attacks all the time as well & it’s hell. I don’t bother with my hobbies anymore, I am lucky enough to have friends but I do withdraw sometimes quite a bit and I know im doing it, I just survive day to day I know what I have to do but I feel frozen and stuck. I have to hand in a form to start volunteering but the thought of going back in there with people fills me with dread I feel overwhelmed and dont want to be round people. What is wrong with me? I also feel very snappy and irritable desiring to be alone all the time.
someone please help me :( dont know what to do anymore , im just a worthless ugly pig

I have been in your situation and want to say that it sounds like you have completely burnt out I think you need to ask your GP for some support, but also understand that your body needs to rest

You are not worthless OP - and whilst I don’t know what you look like, I’m fairly content you are not an “ugly pig” either! This sounds like someone with extremely low confidence talking.

I would go to see your GP as there may be something they can do to help with how you’re feeling. Do you have a friend you can talk to about this? I have a friend who feels the way you do, she can be quite up and down with her mood. I try to be there for her to talk to and remind her she has things to live for. It seems to help.

I've been in your situation too OP (BPD, OCD, anxiety/depression, cPTSD). I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. It is awful feeling frozen and stuck, when you know what you need to do... but you just can't do it.

Give yourself some grace. I used to count sleeping on the sofa, rather than in my room, a win when I felt this way - at least I had moved surroundings, plus the living room isn't as dark so it felt a bit less shameful to have spent all day sleeping there. I also tried to brush my teeth each day and drink enough water. If that was all I did, at least I survived and then at some point, it became slightly less bad.

When slightly more functioning, I then started the BACE method and wrote it down just to hold myself accountable.

BACE is where you do 1 thing a day in the following categories:
BODY - wash hair, do nails, do exercise etc
ACHIEVE - solve sudoku, cook new recipe, read 30 pages of a book (basically just complete a measureable goal)
CONNECT - speak to a friend, spend time with a pet, chat with a neighbour briefly outside in garden, etc
ENJOY - watch TV show or movie you like, play a game etc

Lastly I'm sure you are receiving therapy of some sort because of your diagnosis. But if not- go to the GP and sort out therapy- not CBT, proper psychotherapy. This is the only thing that made me able to accept living might be better than dying.

Good luck OP - this too shall pass.

You are not an ugly worthless pig

I know some of what youre feeling. I'm really struggling recently after having had a few weeks of feeling alright.

Are you able to ask the doc to review your meds?

Whats your favourite time of year? Mine is the run up to Christmas so ive got myself a few boxes of grapes and a winter candle. Watching two doors down and pretending it isnt boiling outside

What would you say is a healthy distraction for you?

I find that when Im feeling shit is to wake up in the morning and follow the daytime tv schedule, to feel like part of the world.

When i'm up all night I feel much more alone - could you try this tomorrow? Wake up at like 7 and put on GMB or if you hate politics, channel 4? Then watch Lorraine and this morning? It'll make you feel less alone, ime

You will get through this patch. It just takes time, but progress isnt linear, and its hard to see but I bet its there

Sorry if I come across as patronising, i'm not trying to ❤️❤️

Thanks everyone for the lovely support and very good ideas. @youreactinglikeafunmum not patronising at all, hope you’re ok and Thankyou for the advice ❤️❤️