Teen son extremely anxious about overnight school trip. Any words of wisdom?

[maldivemoment]

Our 16yr old is most definitely a home-body. Hasn’t done a sleepover in years. We’ve not forced him into any but have been extremely supportive in encouraging him to at least giving it a go but, alas, here we are.

Fast forward to December & he has an up & coming 2 night school trip. It’s an incredible opportunity & he, & we, know it will be great. Buuuuuut, he is already pretty anxious about the ‘staying-away-from-home’ part. He’s a wonderful kid and is open to talking about it but can get a little teary, especially as the date is getting closer.

I think we’re handling it well. We are encouraging him to talk about it, not belittling him, encouraging sleepovers beforehand (so far, no luck on this one) and reminding him to not feed-the-beast. We are also not telling him that he’s being irrational.

Just wondering if anyone experienced anything similar? Any top-tips? Supportive words to help him cope with his feelings?

Thank you.

What precisely is he anxious about? I mean what specifically is it about an overnight away from home that’s bothering him? Distance from you? Collective sleeping? Potential bullying?

Mostly being away from family (us& sister)
No concerns re peer relationships/bullying. He gets on well with everyone. He’s catastrophizing the situation but by projecting his worries i.e ‘what if i get so worried i throw up. How do o explain that to others?’

My son found breathing exercises/bodyscan meditation to do in bed at night was helpful

It helps our dd when we break down the whole event into different chunks.
So for example - ‘are you worried about packing/the journey/the showers….?’ Etc etc
She can then sometimes realise that the parts causing the anxiety are a small part of the whole trip and we can talk about how to manage them.

Well, I would want to encourage him to lean into what he’s imagining, and write it all down. (I mean, does he habitually throw up when stressed?) Is he worried something will happen to you/his sister while he’s away?

Is he going with any of his really good friends? If so can he guarantee he can share a room with them? And if so, maybe practice in the lead up, first by having them stay with you, then maybe at their houses?
I was like your son - hated residential. But when I went with my best friend in year 11, it was great fun and it really brought me out of myself.
Taking familiar stuff with him will also help. Music on phone to listen to on the journey, perhaps download a tv show.
Poor lad.

Could he have a sleepover at your house as a first step? With close friends, or with friends/classmates he’ll be sharing a room on the trip with? Even if it’s at home, it’s practicing what will happen on the trip with peers, sharing a room, getting ready for bedtime together, who uses the bathroom first etc.

Echo the advice to break it into small chunks. Deal
with each part.

Then have a back up plan if he gets so worried he’s sick- must have been the dodgy packed lunch! Or something. Baby wipes in his bag and a small bottle of mouth wash. Or whatever.

Practise breathing exercises now that he can use when he starts to feel overwhelmed.

Can he have a mate to stay first? Tent in the garden?

I use breathing exercises to calm anxiety, they can really help.

We grow through doing new things, sometimes scary things.

Perhaps discuss other things he’s done that were new or scary and turned out well?

Thanks all. I feel we are doing all your suggestions so reassuring to know we’re on the right lines.

@Peclet extremely helpful re the practical advice. I may not have thought about wipes & travel size mouthwash. Thank you very much ❤️

Tell him to say to his friends that he is travel sick and to laugh it off if he starts feeling sick. Those 2 days will pass so quickly, he will hardly have time to miss anyone. Just keep reassuring him that he will make some of the best memories ever.

My son is like yours. He's not afraid of being away from family but he once was sick at a sleepover when he was about 9 and that has continued ever since. He's fine when everyone is still awake and chatting but as soon as his friends fall asleep he feels sick, and it exacerbates as he doesn't have a distraction. He actually does throw up usually. I generally get messages in the middle of the night about it - sometimes he's far from home so has to stick it out - and I try to distract him by chatting about other things. Eventually he does fall asleep and he's always fine in the morning, it's like it never happened. Are they allowed phones at night? Can he distract himself with something until he falls asleep?

Is it worth doing a trial run. You all go away for a night and leave him home alone for the night? That way he's got all the comforts of home, and can deal with any anxious feelings about being away from you without the eyes of his friends on him?

Speak to the school. They will help but only if they know help is needed. I think anxiety around being unable to sleep and feeling homesick once everyone else is asleep is common. Plan for this. I often find taking the pressure off, telling them to read, watch a film, listen to a podcast and accept that they might not fall asleep and just have to entertain themselves overnight is enough to make them relax so they do eventually drop off.

I agree with having a quiet chat with school about it to get a lot more detail on the trip, if you don't already. Then you can look up the accommodation online to show DS what it's like, look at the route they will take, the places they'll visit etc. That can at least remove/reduce the element of the unknown which might be adding to his worries.

Could you find out from school what the sleeping arrangements will be and if there's any flexibility? Then you could speak to DS about what sleeping arrangements are likely to be least stressful for him (will he be more relaxed and distracted in a dorm room, or, if it was an option would he rather just be with one other person)?

I think taking a 'and then what would happen?' approach can help with fears like this. So he says he's scared he'll throw up and you can say "if you did, what's the most likely thing that would happen?" He can then talk through the scenarios and you can help him to focus on the most likely, rather than the worst case he's imagining. Is he worried everyone will laugh at him? Is that what he'd do if a friend was ill? Does he think his friends would do that? Even if some kids that aren't friends did laugh, so what? You can even talk about which one of his friends would be best in that situation e.g. "Billy would be really kind, he's great when people are feeling ill." - and who wouldn't - sometimes that can bring an element of humour to it e.g. "Ben would be useless, he's so squeamish".

Depending on where you live and where the trip is, does he have to go with school or could you take him? My youngest DS was due to go to Wales to see some castles, we live 6 hours drive away and he really didn’t want to go with school. We went during the next available half term instead and stayed in a Premier Inn. He saw the castles and did well in his subsequent History GCSE.
I do appreciate not everyone can do that.

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words of support & encouragement. I have read and reflected on every single one.

As i said previously, we are pretty much doing everything that has been suggested. I’m hoping all these things, plus a whole lotta love, will suffice. We love this kid so much & just want him to have the best time.

To those who suggested a ‘dummy run,’ we live in Scotland & the trip is to Germany so not very practical or financially viable! (Although it had crossed my mind! 🤪)

Thanks all.

@herbalteabag are we co-parenting the same child????