Please help! Best friend back with abusive ex.

[Catsandcannedbeans]

So my best friend is back with her ex. He has hit her before (I documented evidence of this, dates, times, screenshots of texts). They share three boys. I am the only one who knows he has hit her - I can’t tell my DH because she’s asked me not to. I am really really worried. Also I have to see this man and he thinks I don’t know. I want to batter him myself for doing that to her, but obviously I can’t.

She is back with him because he has said he won’t do it again ect. She was afraid to tell me because she thought I’d be mad, but I’m not mad I’m just really scared. He’s a slimey bastard and I never liked him, but I’ve always acted like I did for her sake. When they got married I actually asked her if she was 100% sure and said we can ditch now if you want, I’ve got a full tank of gas. She thought I was joking but I was deadly serious.

I don’t want him to know I know because I worry what he will do. I don’t think she will leave him because he makes good money. I am also really concerned that a man like that does the job he does.

So basically what I’m looking for is practical harm reduction tips. Tips on how I can help her come to her senses and leave (if you’ve been in her position what would have helped you). Also, please don’t say I’m over involved or anything like that - she has been my best mate since we were little and she lived with my parents and me for 5 years, so she’s basically family.

Any takers??

She knows that it will happen again.

You can’t talk her out if it.

She git away from him and chose to go back. She wasn’t forced to do so.

If it were me I would be angry with her because of her children who don’t deserve to be caught up in this mess that their parents have created

I would tell her straight that you were there for her before and found it very distressing but now she has completely disregarded your help and support by going back to him.

I would tell her that you will see her on her own or with the children but never with him and you do not want to hear a single word about him, good or bad.

If you accept the relationship it makes it easier for her to do so.

If you make it clear you don’t accept it then she may realise what a selfish idiot she is being.

I say selfish because that’s what she is doing, selfishly putting a man and his cock before her children’s welfare.

Please try and stay friends with her.

you allude to the fact that he does a job that would be impacted by this revelation. If he is a policeman, he may be controlling her by telling her no one will believe her, but they will.

This is very tough on you, and you are such a supportive friend.
I had to take a step back in a similar situation as it was really telling on my own health.
My first piece of advice would be to stop trying to shoulder this alone - tell your husband. It is too much for you to carry this solo. I know you’ve made a promise to her but at some point you also need support.
I assume he’s in a position of responsibility and if he’s earning good money must be in a senior role - police/solicitor/doctor/headteacher?
He has a lot to lose, but has convinced your friend it’s her that is losing?
I lost contact with my friend for a few weeks because it got too much for me. She’d already left, was in a new home, she had told people who’d moved heaven and earth to help her and on a night we were supposed to have dinner she was seen out with her ex having a meal.
He had sent her messages that day to say if he ever saw her with another man he’d kill her.
I needed the break. And after a while she got in touch to apologise for disappointing me but that wasn’t it at all. It was then about me - I was fried.
You can still be there for your friend, but it’s the secrecy which gives him the power.
If she is genuinely returning to keep up a lifestyle I have little sympathy.
If she is going back because she is being controlled, then it could take time for her to leave, if she ever does.
There are lots of women who have been through DV who will give you great advice, but my view is as the friend.
You are not being disloyal by telling your husband, she has no right to expect you to keep this up alone. You can still be her friend but for your own sake, you need to take back your own sanity as well.

I don’t think it’s just the lifestyle he’s a “good dad” (no he’s fucking not, but he puts on a good show I’ll give him that). I think I am going to tell my husband because he knows something is off and he has asked why I’m being weird like three times now.

I think he is. I have photos, time, date ect. Logged, I recorded our phone call with her permission as well when she called me so I’ve got evidence.

Staying friends with her the first time was the right thing to do.

But she has thrown all of your support in your face by getting h back with him and is deliberately choosing to damage her children if they see him acting violent towards her again, which he will.

Don’t condone what she has done by holding h her hand again. She needs to be told in no uncertain terms that you are not going g to be dragged into HER mess again.

Many women that are in domestic violence situations are stuck because they can’t get away. She got away and it’s an insult to you and anyone else that helped her that she has gone back to him.

Makes me wonder if she just loves the drama.

Her poor children.

@PInkyStarfish You may be right on paper, but it's not that simple. The effects of abuse don't suddenly stop, just because the abuser no longer has access to the victim (which appears not to have been the case, as he has managed to persuade her to return to him), but it takes years before a victim is finally able to face the whole situation with honesty to herself.

You should read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. He explained the dynamic of such abuse in detail. It's a really complicated situation and trying to simplify it, only helps the abuser.

My main worry would be for the safety of the children. If he has no qualms about hitting her, what does he do to his children and how are they affected by witnessing their mother being abused by their father?

Keep the line of communication open and don't criticise him because people being abused tend to be defensive of and protective over their relationship.

The most important people in this scenario are the children. I doubt their father isn't abusive towards them and they will certainly witness him abusing their mum.

Is there anyone she listens to? Your mum or an aunt etc? Someone who can talk some sense into her.

One way forward is to talk about protecting the children. Victims of domestic abuse often care more about the effect on their children, than them.

Another way is practical. Can she support herself if she leaves? Can you encourage her to work on her finances if not?

You could encourage her to see her GP so there's a record of the abuse. She can download the Bright sky app which has lots of information on abuse, as can you. Hollieguard is a safety app she might find reassuring.

If she's in danger call the police. If the children start acting out, contact social services and their schools. If he strangles her, call the police and get her to contact domestic abuse services immediately.

So I’ve told my mum and she has said if she leaves again she can stay with her. My mum explicitly told me not to tell my dad because he would just go down there and batter him - which would make me feel good but it’s not good in the long run.

She is very scared to contact the police because he is a police officer and all his mates are police officers. Her kids are out our house regularly so I can keep an eye on them. They don’t act out and they don’t show fear around me or DH which I think is a good sign.

As for her finances I’ve been encouraging her to get more hours at work, but he isn’t keen on it. If she went full time she could probs support herself and the kids, it’s getting it up to that. When he battered her the first time she went to A&E.

One thing I learned in therapy is holding a secret like this is too much.
You get told ‘you can’t tell anyone’ but then get given too much of a burden. It’s not a past secret, it’s an ongoing, serious issue.
Tell your husband.
Edited to add: she needs to keep logging everything, even though things are ‘fine’ now.
If you can put together your own account of what you have witnessed so far.

This is a long read but may help?

www.policeconduct.gov.uk/sites/default/files/documents/IOPC-police-perpetrated-domestic-abuse-review-dec24.pdf

If she's already been to A&E both she and the children are in danger and she needs to leave.

His behaviour has now escalated and she may not be lucky to escape next time - and there will be a next time.

She needs to contact a domestic abuse organisation and have a safety assessment. They will provide support and advice.

She needs to pack a grab bag and keep it somewhere safe. It should include things like toiletries, a change of clothes for her and the children, important documents such as certificates and so on.

She should keep her phone charged at all times and if she thinks she's in danger and can't run, she has to call the police even if they know him.

OP she doesn't understand how dangerous this situation is and many victims of domestic abuse are in denial. I would contact school safeguarding.

Don’t criticise him directly, just make sure she knows you’ll help if she leaves. Offer practical things like childcare, transport, or a safe place.